Friday:
I slept.
Then I slept some more.
I watch some TV.
Slept.
Read a little.
Slept.

Saturday:
Same as above but with less sleep and more reading. I finished my book.

I had plans. I had things I wanted to do. Things I was excited about. Things I wanted to have done for the next day. But I couldn’t do them. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the spoons. It felt like I had more than enough spoons. It was because it hurt to try to do anything. I can’t even describe the type of hurt but it is related to depression. It shows up whenever I try to force myself to do something. In a way, I am taking damage for using my will power.

Finally, Sat night I was so disgusted with myself, I managed to get out of my apartment and visit next door. I am kitty-sitting. I brought my charge over to visit and she was very nervous. When she decided under the bed was the place she wanted to stay, I found it very easy to forget she was even in the apartment and decided that she should go home to her litter box and food/water bowls. I think we lasted less than 15 minutes.

I did managed to throw myself into the car and find a restaurant that was still open at 9:30pm. I had dinner and was thinking about a movie when my body said I had to go home immediately. So that was it for Sat.

Sunday:
A guy that I have been seeing came to visit. We had an awkward time to begin with but during our picnic (in a cemetery of course) we fell back into a comfortable rhythm. After we cleaned up, I got the “I just want to be friends” speech. Ouch. I kinda felt like I knew it was coming. I had been trying to unattach myself all week but I thought I was doing that to protect myself, not because I was going to be right. Again. Sucks. We had a nice long talk and logically I feel good about it. I think we did everything right and I can’t see anything I would want to change in how we approached it. Honestly, I am not that attached to him. But emotionally, I feel like I have been dumped. All I lost was the potential of a really good match for me. It hadn’t really gone anywhere. So I think my hurt feelings are for the loss of that potential more so than the actual person. He honestly thinks we will be able to remain connected and talk for hours on the phone and such. The patterns I have seen the past point to him feeling like he likes me but his actions closing himself off more and more. It will be interesting to see which path this takes.

So after he left, I laid back down on the couch, again. Watched TV and slept.

All in all, I would have to say my weekend sucked. It wasn’t the universe that made it suck, it was this damn depression. I have had a few signs that it could be lightening up but I find if I pay attention to them, things go back downhill.

Bahhh, I used to be good at letting go. Now I find it really hard. That is what I get for actually caring instead of only investing superficially.

I so dislike holidays.