I debated putting it as a note on facebook but I think it is a little too much exposure and a little too much of a downer to put it there. I don’t seem to be able to edit things down when I really want to tell something.

I was bullied extensively in elementary school. I was the sensitive child that could be counted on to give a large reaction to any teasing. For over four years, my social identity was the school scapegoat. It defined a lot of my life and a lot of how I handle people to this day.

I was different than most which is one of the reasons I was targeted. One of these differences is, for me, Jr High was a godsend. I loved it. I learned how to turn my strangeness into social acceptability. My family life improved with my parents’ divorce. High School wasn’t as good because I was the same size fish in a bigger pond but it wasn’t bad. College was golden because I got to blossom into the weirdo I truly am.

Another difference I seem to have is I can’t say it gets better. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted out. I haven’t been selfish enough to do anything to myself but I have actively wished to have my life end for at least 26 years. From the time I was 18, I was only suppose to have to hold out until I was 42. That was an extremely hard year to deal with because I had hoped so hard it would be the end. I am still here and I accept that. My take on ending your own life is that no matter how much you hurt, you transfer that pain to every single person that knows you and it multiplies for those that love you. I am not that mean.

Life has its good moments and its bad moments. The thing for me is the good moments makes it good to be there just in that moment and the bad moments fill up all the rest of the time. The good moments don’t make up for the bad moments.

For one year, I had the opportunity to live life that felt like it was worth living. It came crashing down hard at the end of that time but it was enough to show me that it is possible to get there. It will take a change in me for it to happen, not a change in what is around me.

Life rather sucks right now. I have some bright moments and a hell of a lot of really crappy moments. Getting moving is really hard and I fail myself repeatedly. But I am working on it. I feel this is something I have to go through to get to where it feels like it is worth it. There is a lot of work to do and I have a lot to learn from this craptastic time. I don’t feel it is worth it right now but I have faith that it will be.

I cannot honestly say “It gets better.” I can say I believe that it is possible for it to get better and that it is a worthy goal to work towards while you are stuck on this ball of dirt waiting until the end.