I have been on a real nostalgia kick lately, finding old friend I thought I left behind and would never see again, revisiting times in my life with different eyes.

A friend of mine from elementary school and I have been poking at things due to the recent attention to bullying. She was posting about her childhood nickname used to torment her and how she reacts to it now. I took a look at mine thinking it was academic and stepped on an emotional landmine.

I don’t think the bullying that happened to me was all that big of a deal. I managed to avoid all physical confrontations and it was mostly verbal. But how much it affected me was a huge deal. I learned to accept that people didn’t want to be my friend and that was ok. There is a lot more I don’t want to bother going into now. It warped a significant part of my underlying structure.

I have accepted the experience and absorbed it. No it isn’t right that I had to go through that crap but it did happen and what I can do is deal with the results in the best way possible. I sort of like taking people by the hand verbally and giving them a tour of the hell I went through. The tone of my voice when I talk about this stuff shows people that this is what I considered “normal” and I think it creeps them out a little.

I thought I had gotten that way with all of that time. I was poking at the fact that I can’t let people know what my nickname was because there are times when I can not deal with it being referred to without being prepared for it. In describing how hearing that nickname now makes me feel I got dumped ass first into an emotional mess. My friend said she had a hard time putting out there the phrase that made her feel isolated, embarrassed, and rotten. My nickname generates a sudden slamming of defenses, everything goes on alert, I feel like I am being attacked and I don’t feel safe. I noted that isolation felt like a comfort to me at that point. While I did not go fully into being triggered, it was like standing on a hill overlooking the battlefield and I could tell how awful it is.

I remember the decision that it was a horrible time and that I have many scars to work on because of it. I had forgotten the feel of it being a horrible time. I really don’t like this feeling. I am not even sure what I am afraid of. It isn’t like I have a problem with being disliked. Maybe it is the feeling of being disliked by everyone and there being no reason for it. Better to stay safe at home.

Which is really too bad because I am going to a friends wedding reception where a lot of my friends will be. Maybe this is an opportunity to get an experience that shows how much what I am afraid of isn’t true.