Inertia is not my friend. I feel like I am doing ok but I am noticing some areas where I am not taking care of myself. I am admitting them here to acknowledge them and maybe keep my mind from skittering off of them.
I am not getting up in time in the morning. It is an argument every morning with myself and I keep losing and staying in bed. I have tried many thing to try to change this and none of them are working. I have no excuse for it, I am just not doing it.
I am eating lunch very late. I know I need to go sooner but I finally drag my lazy ass away from the computer at work around 2-3pm. I know my life would be better if I ate sooner but it isn’t happening.
I am not cleaning up my apartment. Things are not going well there. Again, I know I would be happier if I did, but I am not doing it.
I finally checked the bank and I have hit zero twice since the 15th. I have my paychecks in my wallet and I just haven’t bothered to get them in the bank. Or even checked the balance online to see how desperate it was. I haven’t paid bills that are due at mid-month.
There are a couple of other places where I am doing very similar procrastination.
And I am eating sugar again. I eat a little and all I can think about is I want more and I find myself stuffing my face as fast as I can with macaroons. (homemade and burnt but that doesn’t matter.)
The trend I am seeing is that I want the consequences of said action, feel I need to do said action, and then refuse to do said action. It is a loop I am getting myself into. And I think the only reason I am refusing to do things is because I need to do them because I want the consequence of them. (The sugar thing is the opposite. I don’t want the consequence of the action, I shouldn’t do the action, so I do the action.)
In some areas I am really growing and learning. I am making really good progress in some internal things. I think this is an area where I am paying the price. Things are leaking out in this area because other areas are changing.
So solutions, just noticing. Not really even judging, just a tad concerned about the fall out from this.
sounds very similar to my own current existence… but I call it “depression” rather than “inertia”
I would call it depression if I stopped enjoying talking to people and having energy. Those are my normal depression markers. This is something different.
It isn’t that I can’t bring myself to do something because I lack energy. It is that I am just refusing.
It is so rough having a strong will sometimes. *le sigh*
But it is a form of depression. I think it is a defensive maneuver my psyche is doing and I am not sure how to convince it that the results are worse then whatever it is trying to protect me against. Nor am I willing to forego the growth I have gained because it is feeling like it wants to be wimpy. I wouldn’t mind slowing it down a little but it is coming in the pace being handed to me. Kind of like mid-terms or finals.
I know you have Ennearesources. Do you have any specific for a 9? Because the ennui (or maybe just malaise) you’re feeling is a classic good-9-gone-bad behaviour. Speaking as someone who’s been there and is still there.
The good news is that there are things you can do to get out of it. The less good news is that the solutions in your resources may have to be adapted for your particular situation moreso than for someone who actually *is* a 9.
Just an idea.
Let me know if you need a bit of help. Even if that’s just giving you a call at X am in the morning to see if you’ve gotten out of bed.
Ditto. I am perfectly willing to call you in the morning at start talking to you. Sorry, won’t be bringing you toast and juice these days
The talking in the morning thing doesn’t work anymore. About the only thing I can think of that might still work out of my old bag of tricks is feeding me first thing. And as you said that isn’t going to happen.
I am not sure if I am not back to the “feed me in bed to get me to get up” state of things. I seem to be just fine when I am finally up but that first hurtle is the hard one now.
Feeding myself is about the only thing that panics me enough to get out of bed on days when I have no plans with others. And that happens sometime between 1pm and 9pm.
This use to work but it isn’t this time around.
I use to just need to talk to get awake enough to get out of bed. Now I am fully awake and I still am not doing what I need to. And I don’t like wasting good pokes from friends on something I am not going to follow through on my side.
Ties into that whole are you ready to learn deal we talked about awhile ago. You can give me the good advice but I am not in a position to follow it at this time.
When it looks like a poke will do me some good, you are on my list to poke me. You strike me as someone that is good at poking and not taking any nonsense.
Okee dokee. When you need me to poke you, you can let me know.
And we’ll have to work out a “safe” word so I know when to really stop poking versus when you’re just not being motivated.
I don’t want to poke you too hard.
Sounds bad, good luck finding the key to breaking the cycle. Any help I can lend or bring to bear let me know.
when I have trouble completing things, I make to-do lists compulsively. If I don’t finish item 1 on day 1, it is the first thing on day 2, and day 3, until finally I’m writing it in all caps and I finally do something else on it, even if it’s just babysteps. Right now I’m stallling on cleaning the house and kitchen. Sweep the floor has been on the list for 4 days now, and I’ve done bits, like sweep the floor in one room; but then, not swept the pile up into the dustpan/trashcan… so then the pile gets scattered again… *sigh*
if I can help, let me know. I’ve been struggling with “the habit of completion” for years now…