The emotional and physical reactions I hide from

I feel flush and cold/clamy. My stomache is clenching asnd feels sick. I feel somewhat faint and weak. I am overheating but only slightly sweating. I feel like I NEED a peanut butter cup or two to feel better. Caffeine sounds like a good idea. I feel like I need to speed my body up so I can mellow out and chill, to feel ok again. OK as I sit here, the sweating is increasing. Not because I am running away with the feelings, more like it started back with the rest and is taking this long to show up on the surface.

I know is this is part panic, part body flooding with chemicals (elements of PTSD of the mild sort), part of it is light excercise. It isn’t thoughts. I was on top of my thoughts and was watching them. As soon as I was not distracted, focused on doing and was stuck waiting for the computer to catch up with me, the physical feelings started flooding in. There were no conscious thoughts triggering those feelings, I was watching. I thought I was at a much more mild level. Then I was being overwhelmed with the “I don’t feel so good” body feelings and started on a list of what would make me feel ok again. This is the sort of thing having someone here to anchor me is for.

I was sitting down waiting for the computer so I could write out this part. I walked a block and a half to meet a casual social circle friend. The walk over was fine. It was good to be outside and I did note that it wasn’t hot and nicely cool while sitting outside. I started getting excited while we were talking and spinning up I realized it at the time and tried to keep a cap on it without squelching it completely. We talked for a little bit and we both needed to get going. He took the lead of ending it and I headed home. Following right behind being alone facing a block and a half alone, I wanted to call someone and keep talking. I did my breathing thing and focused on being in the now. I ended up on the verge of tears. The time to walk home loomed before me and I felt lost. I hurt and was loney and felt vunerable and in danger of losing it (I don’t have a description of this type of losing it, just that I am scared of it).

I noted this reaction and believe it is from being so wound up so high and, having no transition, falling a great distance. I think this is a feeling I avoid with my hiding, my being surrounded by people, my tendency to take forever to say goodbye, taking a book with me everywhere, watching way too much tv, losing myself in on the computer.

The walk home passed very quickly because I was occupided with composing this post. Sitting down and pausing that thought process was when I got hit with all the physical reactions. This has been a good thing to go through and observe. It is another step in understanding why I do what I do. Neither the emotional or physical reactions are rational but they drive me from very deep beneath the surface.

And yes, the sugar helps me feel better and mellow.

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