This is something I seem to be hitting hard lately. When an apology is given, it seems that many people then add the word but and fill in an explanation. This ends up negating most of the apology and makes it more of a defense mechanism. If the sentence end after the apology and a new sentence starts with the explanation, it comes across as a real apology and info rather than the apology as an opening to get the info out there and justify whatever the apology was about.
I am sorry I stepped on your foot but I couldn’t see where I was going.
vs.
I am sorry I stepped on your foot. I couldn’t see where I was going.
To me, the difference is huge. The first feels like the person is saying don’t be mad at me, it wasn’t really my fault or I couldn’t help it. The second sounds like the person really is sorry and they are giving the information of how it came about. I appreciate the info because that is useful in figuring out how to avoid having it happen again.
This seems so very obvious to me. Yesterday, I had two people that care for me a lot give me apologies that I very much needed and deserved with the word “but” included. And it added to the hurt already present. I think it took this big of an issue for me to see how deal the word “but” is. When you aren’t all that close to someone it is easier to absorb the difference between an real apology and a defensive apology. When it is someone important and the hurt is large, there isn’t any room to handle a difference.
I don’t know if this is just a me thing or not. It seems to me that the feeling of needing to put in the word “but” really is a feeling the need to defend ourselves and get out there that we didn’t mean to hurt or it wasn’t our fault or whatever. Our need to not be in the wrong is more important than the apology we are giving.
I am under the impression that I have avoided the word “but” in my apologies. I don’t know if I have because I haven’t been watching for it and can only go back a little to see if I have recently. If anyone knows otherwise, I would appreciate having it pointed out to me (gently) so I can go back and see what I might have been thinking or feeling at the time and see if it fits with this new theory of mine. I don’t know if this has always been my way, I sort of doubt it being as I am a human like everyone else but I do think I have been doing this at least since 2005 maybe 2004. A lot changed for me back then and I think this could be one of the things that got rewired.
I think I have avoided the “but” because I have owned that I have done something that has caused someone to need an apology and the apology is for them, not for me. If they deserve an apology, then they deserve one that is heartfelt and complete. After the apology is done, then I can go on to give them whatever more information I think is relevant. Sometimes the apology is about how things have impacted them and I don’t feel I have done anything wrong. There is no defense in it for me, it is all for them and making them feel better. I already know that I am in the clear and I don’t need them to feel the same way. Part of how I word my apology includes that. I know I was doing this at least by 2006. I tell someone that I am sorry they got yelled at when they showed up, they didn’t deserve that sort of treatment. I don’t say I am sorry I yelled at them because at the time there wasn’t any other way for me to deal with anyone. At times like that I don’t even add the additional information.
When you hurt someone you really care about, you really want them to know you didn’t do it on purpose. It would be really easy for the word “but” to come into play. Or if someone is really angry with you over something you have said/done then the word “but” gets used to put in a defense. Both times, the focus really seems to be defending yourself rather than taking care of the other. The first case is really hard because you think you are taking care of the other rather than yourself but you are actually trying to replace your point of view for theirs while they are hurt. Their point of view needs to be acknowledged and taken care of before your point of view can be brought forth. Since being hurt it an emotional thing, it is already too late for rational explanations to make it better.
The more you hurt, the most you need your feelings taken care of before you can hear what led to the hurt. To have your feelings taken care of means to have them seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. They are your feelings, there is no right or wrong about them.
(this last bit is/was hard to write out. I don’t know if that means it is too close to home to feel easy to say, if it hasn’t been chewed on enough to be a complete idea, if I don’t feel I have managed to write it out well enough for it to make sense to others, or if it something I am writing out not so much for myself but for someone else to see.)
So what I think I hear you saying is that you’re feeling “but” hurt.
(To be honest, I’m having a harder time not adding an apology that contains the word “but” than I am in not making the comment at all. I do realize this is a serious topic for you, and if my comment bothers you, I apologize.)
Adding the “but” does hurt because I feel it negates the apology. Sort of like neener neener, here is something you want/need…nope can’t have it. Or here is it, nope, you can’t have as much as you thought you were going to get.
Your (…) is so convoluted it almost seems like it might be a joke but I doubt that is the intention. Go ahead and give it to me. I am really curious as to what you are thinking of.
You comment doesn’t bother me in the least. Thank you for thinking about that.
I just had a hard time pre-apologizing, in case it was necessary, for the joke without using “but” in the sentence. That’s what I was trying to say. It was harder to do that than it would have been for me to not make the joke – and that wasn’t easy.
I totally missed the joke part of this. I got it now that I re-read it.
I think in terms of pre-apologizing, the use of the word “but” would work. It might even be more appropriate. If you are worried about offending with the joke, there have been no hurt feelings before the joke has been told/read. Using the word “but” allows the apology to ride in on the same wave as the possibly offending joke taking the sting out of it.
Interesting idea.
you’re feeling “but” hurt
Oh gods, what a wretched pun.
–Ember–
The one thing I keep running up against when I read these is how often I’ve been on the recieving end of what we sometimes call a “professional victim” where someone is pushing me into having to apologize for “hurting them” when they basically go out of their way to find lots of ways to be hurt, and it’s primarily a manipulation using the rules of apology as a social weapon.
Those are the situations where I really don’t want to offer an unqualified apology, because I don’t want to feed into the manipulation. But in those situations, if I have any choice at all, I’m unlikely to offer an apology at all. I might express sympathy in apology format: “I’m sorry you’re hurt.” without expressing guilt “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
For some reason – not sure why, since I never get this with you at all – reading your entries on this topic takes me there first, and to actual harm situations only after I stop and think about it.
When I play real apologies in my head, what I hear is “Oh no! I’m sorry I stepped on your foot – I couldn’t see!” and apparently I don’t put the “But” in. I think I only use “I’m sorry, but” when I’m being very clearly sarcastic… so yes, of course that’s not a real apology, and it’s not meant to be.
So I agree with you in terms of how apologies work in a straightforward context – when there’s no question in my mind that you’re hurt by what I’ve actually done, whether I intended it or not.
Where it falls apart very quickly is when the apology is being demanded. If someone is demanding an apology, then I’m going to feel the need to defend myself first, and resolve the situation second.
Does that makes sense?
–Ember–
[Edited because my phrasing in the first section was bizzare, and to streamline it overall]
I don’t think I have paid attention to demanded apologies. I don’t know if I have people around me that have that dynamic with me. I will have to watch and see.
I think we might actually be on the same page. What you count as sympathy in apology format is what I would call an actual apology. Ex: “I am sorry you were hurt by what I did.”
What I might actually be looking for is the sympathy aspect of apologies. My feelings are hurt. I want to be seen, heard, and understood. I want the sympathy. After that, I want to find a way not to have it happen again. That is where the information part comes in.
I think another aspect of an apology I am looking for is for others to own their actions. I don’t need them to feel bad, take blame, or anything. I need them to own what they have done and see what the consequences are. With an apology, either the sympathetic only or an full one, I think this is taken care of. Ex: I stepped on your toe. You are hurt.
From that point, it is possible to talk/work out how to keep it from happening again, is it appropriate, who is responsible, whatever.
With my mom, I told her I wanted an apology for what she had messed up on. She started and then added the “but.” I interrupted her and said I wanted an apology and told her the exact words to use. When I was done, she waited a beat and then gave me the apology I needed in a very heartfelt way. It felt very good. It lacked a lot of impact because I had to have her repeat me but it is what I needed from her. I needed the recognition that her actions had hurt me and she was sorry I was hurt. I could relax a wall after that.
After the emotions calmed down, I could talk with her about how she got into that mess and basically all the things that would be her defenses.
In your situation, the demand for the apology sounds more like an attack than a situation where you could freely give. Therefore, a defense first strategy would be appropriate. It sounds like they are trying to force you into taking the blame for something. Me being me would stop them right there and start poking at why the two of us were in a position to need an apology etc. Basically get to a point where the professional victimhood would be exposed. Yeah, I am not an easy person to play with.
If it is a situation where the contact is just social and not a real friend who would put up with my poking, then I would mentally pat them on the head and give them their sympathy apology and go on about my way. It would matter to me as much as saying “How are you” matters to most people when they greet you.
For those people, I think I might silently add “You really should consider not running in front of speeding buses” in my head.
I think we tend to have similar internal attitudes about this stuff, yeah.
Our external behaviors aren’t always similar, but that’s ok.
–Ember–
I’ve had a hard time expressing this very thing in the past before. I think some people just won’t ever get it.
To me? An apology is the opener for then *remedying* the situation or atoning for the offense. It is not the opener for explaining OR justifying the behavior.
In your example? I choose C.
Not
“I am sorry I stepped on your foot but I couldn’t see where I was going.”
OR
“I am sorry I stepped on your foot. I couldn’t see where I was going.”
But rather “I am sorry I stepped on your foot. Are you okay? Do you need any help?”
Unless someone asks you for the reason behind your action? It’s not the time to bring it up.
This is really useful. I think you’re right about the big difference that little change in phrasing makes, and I had previously been unable to articulate why explaining yourself is sometimes but not always okay.
I have actually had a specific therapeutic conversation about
communication wherein the therapist introduced the idea
that anytime the word “but” is introduced, everything prior to the but is automatically negated.
It’s not just you.
Ah Ha! Once I again, I invent the wheel!
Good to know, thanks.
I think of other times I use “but” and lately it is at the beginning of a new sentence. I will have to watch and see but maybe it is just a sign I am going a different way than before. (used the word here and I can’t really figure out if it negates anything or changes direction or doing something completely different and unrelated.)
Ah the joys of watching what we do so we can do it intensionally. I know that “but” is a conjunction and it will be interesting to know what roll it has when it is fully diagrammed. And to think teacher’s have to fight with kids to get them to do this sort of thing in school.
additional information via a post from tshuma
http://tshuma.livejournal.com/754813.html
The ineffectual role of half apologies.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/04/magazine/04fob-wwln-t.html?_r=4