Why would I ever want to wake up?

I have spent the entire day asleep dreaming incredible dreams. I was going to list out all the wonderful things that happened in my dream that are so much better than reality.

It was time for a phone call from my mom. she forgot to call yesterday. We spent most of the time going over something she has gotten wrong for over the last 20+_ years about my former ex0fiance and my relationship. She has chosen his delusion over mine and followed what she considered the “easiest” way of describing it based on the way “society” dictates.

I feel she hasn’t supported me, hasn’t really understood my perspective and my choices. Over the years, she has felt “chastised” by me over her way of presenting it. I found out tonight that she tells other people about it when there is no reason to talk about it to anyone.

I told her I wanted an apology once we seemed to be on the same page. She said she was sorry but.. and went on to defend what she was trying to say. I stopped her and repeated that I want and need an apology. I had to get to the point where I dictated to her what she needed to repeat to me. After that, she was able to give me a heartfelt apology that spoke to how I felt and what she was truly sorry about. It was hard for her to make it just about me and taking care of my hurt feelings.

I thing an apology should always be about the person on the receiving end. It is about something of theirs being stepped on. Any timed you add in but… and try to explain where you were coming from or what you were attempting or anything, then it becomes a defense about you and the apology is just about shutting them up long enough for you to make your statement. The explanation can come after the apology in a separate sentence. Or you can just let it go. When someone is really hurt over something you have said or did, then they need just the apology and knowing they and their point of view has been seen and heard.

I hope I have been able to do this for and with others. My mom has a damn hard time not adding in the defense. She feels that if you just understood where she was coming from, you wouldn’t be hurt anymore and if she keeps explaining then you will understand. And it ends up always being about her when she thinks she is making it not about her.

We finally go tot a point where she heard that her instance on how to present this idea, no matter how many times I told her she was wrong and it is my thing and I get to decide what is right and wrong about it, has hurt meover and over. She didn’t know it hurt me. It amazes me that she hasn’t been able to tell how much it hurts.But then again, I never showed her, I just got mad. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable to her because she can be so blind and set in how she sees things thinking she is being open minded. A lot of times she is very open minded so these pockets of blindness really surprise her when they are exposed.

So I hurt. I found out that I was even more unsupported than I thought, I was exposed even more than I thought, I was unheard even more than I thought. We are in a better place now than before. I think we are so much closer to being on the same page then ever before but it still feels like crap. It doesn’t help that her phone card ran out right after this and we were disconnected. It is a good thing it didn’t run out during it. Although if it did, then maybe I would still be behind my defense walls and angry instead of hurting.

Right now this living in the real world sucks. I have been alone and disconnected all weekend and maybe since Wed depending on definitions. The only real connections I have had were two new guys through OKcupid. One was a little too enthusiastic and going in many directions. He put my ability to set and maintain boundaries to the test. The other had a hard time even looking at me. Not the greatest of experiences for feeling connected. I have spoken to a couple of friends via phone since then and there has been a little email. I talked to my dad who turned me over to his wife who, when they got home told me they would call me back in a few minutes and never did.

I feel so tired trying to set up times to see people. I have my therapy on Tues and getting together with a friend on thrus and maybe sundy service with another friend for all of next week. I feel I keep pouring energy into having something to do with someone every day and I get about a 45% return rate on it. I have friends who would love to see me if I come to them which costs money and right now I have zero income and can’t justify it.

I feel sick and I hurt and I feel like crap. Crying almost always makes me feel sick and since I flipped my schedule again, the lack of proper food and such doesn’t help in the slightest.

This post was suppose to be about these wonderful fabulous things that happened in my sleep. Things that felt good and growing. The sad bit was that they weren’t in my waking life. Instead it is about what little waking life I have had so far since waking up really sucking.

I am really feeling like what is the point? Why bother? I know there is good out there but I don’t seem to be able to find it or make it manifest. I am getting beyond tired again.

(I am aware that it will be different later, I just need to wait. The sad bit is I usually go to sleep and wake up with it being different. I don’t have any sleep left in me probably for 18 if not 24 hours.)

Again I am on my own, needing to be my own support and not having it in me to do it other than what feels like the skin of my teeth.