I feel like I might not be getting anywhere. A friend pointed out that I am no better than I was a year ago. I know there have been changes and forward movement but I find them hard to point to and I can see where she is coming from. Because this is being pointed out from the outside, I am passing it along to my therapist for their input. I did the same with my panic attack and both of them grabbed ahold of it a lot more than I expected.

When I was living in Belgium with my fiance, both of my parents stopped tooting my horn and saying how wonderful I was and how I could do anything. It was an odd lack. I didn’t realize how much support was in every interaction with them until it was gone. It took a while to figure out what it was that was gone. Independently they both felt that when I hooked my wagon to C’s that I stopped being someone that could go out and conquer the world. They saw how I placed myself in his hands and was something of a puppet of his. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds (it would take a lot more words to describe it at the level it was) but my fire, the thing that makes me me was dampened.

I feel like maybe I am in a state where I am dampened down again and the people that care about me are holding back and not saying anything. Or it could be that I am not in a position to be able to hear it. I would rather learn from that previous lesson and be more proactive. But by throwing the question out there, it opens up so many possibilities that I don’t know what to do again and I don’t know if I will be losing what I have been working towards. I have stepped back time and time again when I have found that I went too far too fast. Just because it is hard, I don’t want that to stop me. I want to move forward in the way I can and in a way that is good for me.

I just ran an online tarot card reading asking what I need to do to resolve the situation I am in that the supporters I am thinking of have pointed out. My results were:

2 Swords
King of Wands
Judgment

The interpretation:

Current: 2 swords represents honoring and protecting your vision. It’s when you go after what you want in life with conviction and passion, regardless of who supports you or who doesn’t. The fact that this card is showing up in this position means you’re having a difficult time believing in yourself. You keep waiting for support from a parent or lover or coworker, when you really need to learn to support yourself.

Actions to take: King of wands represents a reliable, passionate and powerful leader who builds up those around him. The fact that this card is showing up in this position means you need to be a cheerleader for the people in your life. Use your passion and power to motivate and inspire them to reach their fullest creative potential. Be free with your love, support and compliments right now. Make everyone around you feel as good as possible.

Expected Outcome: Judgment represents that critical moment in your life when you decide who you really want to be. You’re ready to give up an old way of being in order to step into your greatness, to live your life’s purpose. The fact that this card is showing up in this position means you will make a decision to reach your fullest potential. Living the life you were meant to live will happen by choice, not luck.

I don’t take the online cards to seriously. But the 2 swords and what the interpretation is eerily close to just what I am feeling. It has been my belief that the reason I am stuck where I am right now is because I am working towards something better. That I have let go of defense measures that have taken care of me because they block where I want to be and I need to build new ways to do things. 6 years ago, I had what I want and was dependent on outside supports to keep it. They didn’t work out so well. I have spent all this time working towards getting to what I want again but with internal supports. That is a main theme to my Work, building internal supports. So the 2 swords hits that button pretty squarely.

I like helping others to reach their potential. I have no problem with this idea. I have no idea how to move forward on it. I have been trying to run with the concept that helping others helps me but it keeps loosing steam. I don’t know how to help others. I am not seeing this path and I want to.

I have been ready to give up old ways of being. I have been working on giving up old ways of being. I didn’t think I would survive being where I am now. I would like to give this way of being up too and feel I need to. I think the result of the Work that I am doing will be me living a real life instead of treading water waiting until I can finally die. This is a choice for me, one I made 7 years ago, one that I continue to work on every time I can. It has taken me to some lousy places and I don’t regret that. I really don’t like where I am right now but if it is on that path, then I am ok with it. I want to get better, be better. It may not look like anything has changed on the outside but the internal landscape should be vastly different.

Doing the one card tarot asking how to be a cheerleader for those around me and pump energy into others got me the 6 swords.

Interpretation: 6 swords represents leaving difficulty behind and forging a clear and quick pathway towards your goal. All obstacles blocking your way before have disappeared. The knowledge you have accumulated during past trials and tribulations will help you on your way forward. You are now able to move through life with ease and flow. Whatever you are focused on today, trust that every challenge you have endured so far, every experience you have had, has provided you with the wisdom and wherewithal to handle it with grace. Feel the fluidity and enjoy the ride.

Can’t say this makes any sense to me but I will keep it in mind.