Looks like a different brain is available to me today. There shouldn’t have been anything wrong with my brain last night but running things through what I have in my head this morning shows different paths that are a lot smoother and take care of a number of problems. I don’t feel any different happiness-wise but things are processing better. My tetris blocks can actually fit whereas yesterday it looked like they were going to pile up with lots of holes.

There is an email from my mom waiting for me in my inbox and I don’t want to open it. I wanted to touch base with her last night because things felt so unsettled. They still feel that way but I am worried that she will accidently hit a bad button again and blow a hole in my attitude for today returning me to that messed up tetris game.

It is interesting to watch how my head is working, how I feel about things, and the different results. I feel the same but my head is coming up with very different results. Don’t have a theory on why yet. It might be the same thing I always do but haven’t watched it as closely as this time. Or I might be blazing a new path to deal with the stuff I have been changing.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee.

It sure doesn’t take much to pop my happy bubble. Just something not going quite right has a larger than appropriate effect on my ability to enjoy things.

On the good side, there are happy bubbles. Those were really rare.

My activities and a window into my mind

I have been making things. I haven’t really finished anything yet but there is hope.

For Clockwork in Dec, I made a pair of long spats to cover my sneakers. They were Velcro-ed together and the plan was to put buttons on the outside. The velcro was attached with hot glue which doesn’t work real well on things that flex in cold weather. Now I need to figure out which closure method I want to use and implement it.

I have a vest I am turning into a waist cinch with suspenders. It is something I saw in the garment district and suspect will show up a lot in the next year. This one is a proof of concept before I do it to a really nice/cool vest. It just needs to be tried on to see if the cut is right and then stitched up, probably with bias tape (which I have found some that will work).

I have stitched up a split seam in a corset/bodice I wore to the PEERS Courtesan Ball many many years ago. Now I need to put something over the stitches so they look nice. I couldn’t find my black bias tape but I found wide black satin ribbon and hey, it works. It is pinned and ready for a sewing machine.

I have been going nuts over a pin I am putting together. I bought the basic part at the WESale. I hit the bead store on Friday but only got chain. I can’t find the charms I want. I plan to go to General Bead on Wed to at least get a tea cup before they go away (they are being discontinued). I have painted the gold pin silver, used India Ink to darken the cracks and lacquered the hell out of it. My thanks to the O’Hare household for providing me with the little supplies I needed and the expertise on what the bleep I am doing. I have ideas but not always the best way of accomplishing them. There is still more work to be done on the pin but it seems to have the dedication allotted to it for it to get a lot farther. Not sure why but I am willing to go with it.

I bought a bicycle to test to see if I will actually get around to riding. It needs a name. I had planned on painting it silver and distressing it so as to make it look a little steampunk and make it look like something people wouldn’t want. I am now thinking I might go with hammered black and make it look more like wrought iron.

So many people are doing the brass and brown leather for Steampunk, I have to be a little different. I am focusing on black and silver as a combo. The brown and cream and gold/brass do call me but there are some neat things that can be done with black/silver/pewter. My first thought is silver to replace brass but I am thinking maybe my thing will be black iron with silver accents (bolts and screws and such). I did buy a very expensive iron fence like four poster bed frame three years ago. It would just be an extension of that.

I have been surfing the web and keep getting caught on Instructables. There was one on night lites for bikes. One included a mod for lights from a dollar store. I bought the lights and that is the next project.

I saw a picture of someone doing a crop straight jacket and I want one. There is an Instructable from Threadbangers that shows how to make one. I think it would look neat with a red and white striped corset. I saw just what I would need at the Depot for creative reuse. I would need leather cutters, buckles and snaps for the leather. This one is more nuts because there is a lot more work involved in making this a reality. The corset would be good for pirate wear though…

I have a dress that needs to have the arm holes made larger. They are marked and need to be cut and then sewn.

I saw a Instructable (by threadbangers, love these guys) on making a picnic blanket out of 8 old t-shirts that has straps so it can be worn as a backpack. I am thinking of making this when I go visit by brother and get my niece involved (and nephew if he is interested).

I have the pieces to make a recharging station for my electronics. I just need to work out what goes where, measure, cut and assemble.

I have some shelves I want to put up on the wall but I want them painted first. I have the white and black paint to do it. I just need to paint them on a not windy or rainy day so they can dry outside and then hang them on the wall.

I need to fix the hanger on one of the sides of my cast (from when I broke my foot). One side came off so it can’t hang on the wall with the bent motorcycle handle bars anymore.

Sure would be nice if I ever got around to testing my old tv vs the new tv to see which one I want to keep. I am hoping to take the left over one to the electronic recyclers maybe Thursday. I need to pick up a new to me printer and get that off Sparrow’s hands.

I need to test LEDs to see how many I want in each light I plan to mount in my car. This project has stalled out at this point. I am not as excited about it as I am the costume bits. Other than that, the plans have been worked out for what to do with them.

I need to work on my portfolio website and get that to where I am not embarrassed by it. I sure could use help in brainstorming on what to do with it. I lack the focus to move forward on that right now.

I have a book with questions about how to get out of your own way that I want to work on. More introspection sort of stuff that I don’t do well by myself.

Oh, I also want to put together a puzzle that I got for my niece before I go so I know how many pieces are missing. I have a feeling that may not happen. Or it might be the first thing that actually gets finished.

I think that is it for the live projects I have on my plate. When I have this many things at work, I start to go buggy. I am doing fine right now. My weakness is finishing things. I get bored before the end and want to start something new. I can see the new things here that are keeping me entertained as the older things get dull. It will be interesting to see how each of the things on the list go.

Damn, this is a pretty long list. Although this is how I used to work all the time.

The world out here, out side my head, is Craptastic. In my head, everything works. Out here I get hit. Inside I am safe. Out here I am vulnerable to the lightest touch hurting me. Inside, thing are the way I need them to be and wonderful and opportunities show up everywhere and there are things I can make with the turn of my mind and places to show them off. Out here, everything is uphill and I have to fight and I am mostly alone. The safest people are the ones that don’t know me well at all and are at a distance. The ones that are close are the ones that either aren’t there or I have to defend myself from being hurt by. No wonder I feel unconnected to those that should be close. It isn’t safe.

And today isn’t a bad day. It is an ok day. For a few moments there (yes, I got up half an hour ago) it was even a nice day. One sentence in one email that doesn’t mean much has sent me into a dive bomb. My structure is so fragile.

CRAP!

I would rather sleep until it is time for it all to be over. Just like I would rather eat through a tube. I may miss some good stuff but I wouldn’t have to deal with all the bad stuff anymore. I am just treading water until it is over.

I have a hard time choosing an icon. The Scream has too much energy for what I am feeling. I need a bleh icon. I was looking at yellow smiley faces to get a straight line one and noticed I smile at some of them happy ones. I don’t know what it is about that yellow face, it hits something in me.

Tuesday was a full and good day. We got to a deeper layer in therapy and good things followed for part of the day.

Yesterday I slept for 18 hours and felt like crap because of it. I figured it was a recovery day. I did take the kolopin in the morning and was disappointed I still didn’t do anything. But I was upright on the couch and followed through on some job leads and played a new set of video games.

Today, I didn’t take the kolopin to see what difference it might make. I am lacking in interest and motivation. I felt like I could still do things I wanted to do and didn’t do yesterday but I didn’t move forward on it. Just like the last few months (are we to years yet?). I didn’t even get upright in bed (ok couch, I still can’t see my bed). I watched some TV, played on the computer, whatever. I don’t know if it is the lack of the bitty bit of med (I cut it in half, and then in half again, and sometimes in half again) or if it is the lack of people. I did some inviting yesterday and got mostly no from those I heard from. And those nos (how in the world do you spell the plural of NO?) underscored some other places where there isn’t support for something I am trying for which makes me sad too. And when I am sad, it is really hard to see the good side of things and the support I do have.

It is funny, when dealing with others, typically customers and fellow workers, I am honestly cheerful and helpful and a delight to be around. It isn’t fake, it is just the part of me that comes to the surface when I am in that position. But without others around, that part of me doesn’t have strength or it feels like I am denying the other parts of me. This is one of the major reasons I like being around others. I am happier. I glow when I interacting with others and the dark is farther away. When I am in the spotlight, I can’t even tell the dark is out there. When I am alone, the dark is everywhere and it is a battle. And I need my alone time because I get tired. So it is something I can’t get away from, only learn how to deal with.

But it is hard when I have to constantly work to arrange to get together with others. It feels like an always uphill push. The show up events like dances and social gatherings don’t feed me enough anymore. For things like parties it is hard work to get comfortable enough to be able to be fed while there.

This is one of the reasons I always had a job, even a stupid one while waiting for a real one to show up. I would be surrounded by people and not be stuck with just myself. It would get me away from the threat of the dark for awhile and give me something else to do. So this stint of unemployment is not a good thing for me. I have grown enough that I haven’t gone bug nuts in the 9 months I haven’t had work. But I am aware there is still a tax being levied on me by it. Looking back, even though I feel lousy and pointless and weak right now, I have actually made huge progress from how I used to be. I have lost some things I could count on to get me out of this sort of fix but I have gained a lot of abilities to control being in a situation like this which is a good thing. It puts things more in my control. Which is funny because I feel like I can’t control so much of the shit I am doing to myself.

Welcome to my head.

Later Note: Mr Joe Price, my inspiration for many things/activities, came over and worked on my bike. I got human contact and productivity and some exercise. Now I am really tired and really need to eat. Still don’t want to eat, but need it. Which I could drink this meal like I do my breakfast meal.

I forgot the main reason I was posting today. My eyes have gone bad again. They are vibrating again and again and again. They seem to be stuck in the 3 second loop but before the 4th second is done, the cycle has already started again. They go off in groups so some times it is hours between problems, other times it if over and over and over for 15-30 mins. I can feel the pressure in my temples this time around.

Changing focus seems to be a problem for them. There are times when it will set off a new cascade. Every time I change the focus of my eyes, they will start shaking again. This means it happens when I look at one item and then look at another. Or I look at something two feet away then at something right next to it but at 4 feet away.

Usually this isn’t a problem when driving. A car doesn’t change much between being stable and being blurry around the edges. But with the vibration getting bad when I change focus, when I am looking to see if a car is coming, I can’t tell very well. I have trouble understanding new information into my head. I can still do it but it is harder. I can’t read an entire field of view in a glance like I am used to.

I doubt I will bother with doctors this time around. By the time an appointment could be set up to test me with their equipment, things will have changed and I probably won’t be able to make it happen.

Something I am noticing, when it has been gone for awhile and shows up again, it seems really really bad. I don’t know how much of that is me getting used to it and how much is it is much worse at the beginning and then mellows out. I am leaning for the latter theory. I start out feeling like I am not going to be able to cope with it long (not being able to see correctly, losing my balance, little brain storms in my head) and later it is a eh, just something to tolerate, no big deal, don’t really affect my life much.

It sure would be nice to know what is causing it. I believe it is some issue with the Vestibular nerve and the vestibulo-ocular reflex. Again, mine is special. My eyes vibrate at a 45 degree angle. The ones the doctors know of are at 0 and 90 degree angles. So again with the very annoying, undiagnosable, not quite normal health problem.

I did the same today that I did the last few days but I haven’t really gotten anything accomplished. I do feel like I can accomplish something but haven’t figured out where to focus. I had nothing on the calendar for today. Tomorrow is Therapy and dance class (I hope I can actually go this week). Nothing for the rest of the week until Sat. That is PEERS and Lee Presson and the Nails. The next Friday is the Steampunk ball and I might have a good outfit for that. Actually, it might be a good outfit for a Firefly event/ball too. There are so many little things I could do. Some big things as well but something is blocking the next step and I am reluctant to dive in and try to untangle that mess.

I did read a book. It has been awhile since I have had a chance for a good long read. I finished this book in three days and that felt good. I have flipped my schedule again, sort of. I went to bed at 6am and got up at 1pm. This is better but still not good. I was thinking to try to ride my (new to me) bike but then it was dark before I noticed. I still need a chain for it. I have locks.

I think I might do some of the cutting on my sewing projects tonight. I also might start on a jigsaw puzzle I got for my niece. I want to know how many pieces are missing before giving it to her. It is one of those mystery puzzles where you don’t know what the picture looks like and it contains the solution to a mystery. For some reason I like those.

I am tempted by online computer games. I feel a desire to get lost in a match three or hidden object game.

If I actually want to accomplish something, I will cable my two tv sets to test them to see which one is better and then cable it up so my DVD player and more is functional again. Once I get my dvd player working, I will have more stuff to watch.

I have been working on projects and finishing up some stuff over the last few days. It has been great but I do realize it is somewhat manic. I don’t feel manic, I just feel like I can get things done. Of course, I can’t actually get around to doing the things on my list that I have already sabotaged but I seem to be able to do new things.

The change I have made is taking a little Clonazepam (Klonopin) every day when I get up. And I do mean a little. I cut a pill in half and then in half again. Just a smidge. I think what is going on is the med takes the edge off my general anxiety which give me the room to actually do something rather than feeling like it would be better to roll over and not deal with the day. I could probably use more calming down but I will admit, I am grateful to be actually making things again. I like being able to make things. I am very familiar with not being able to sit still and wanting to be entertained by either working or reading or watching something.

I want to continue to be Doing again. This is my old status quo. It is not sustainable in this form, I realize that. But it is nice to visit.

I notice that my typing has gotten worse. I misspell things and don’t realize it. Typically, I will catch myself mistyping a word and backspace to fix but when I look over things now, I will find flat out wrong words and wrong endings (like -ling instead of -ly) and spaces in the wrong place. It is sort of like things are happening with no one actually driving.

Maybe I am drunk Doing (instead of drunk driving).

At least I am more in the here and now. Long term consequences seem unknowable to me at this point. They are vague and far away. I feel like I can work on what is in front of me and then go to the next thing. I can plan for the short term but things like secondary consequences just don’t compute. Ah, the joy of being an observer in your own brain.

The best thing is that I am functional again. I would say my flake factor is still high but I have a little more control over things then previously. Hopefully this will lead to more.

I have a crush on a guy I know. I am aware that it is mostly based on who I imagine he is rather than on who he really is because I don’t know him that well and there are a number of things that should signal to me “run away” that aren’t working. I do enjoy his company and he has a lot going for him that I like. He fits well on my list as a friend.

But there is evidence that he is a withdrawn type and is it is likely that he would pull away from me when he gets to much of me rather than let me know. I have been burned by this a lot in the last 5 years and I don’t want to walk into that again. He also has this idea that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship ever again. He has been married a few times and I think his view point is that when he was married that was his life and now that he is on his own, he is having the time of his life. My viewpoint is that the two are not mutually exclusive and his experience is based on not knowing how to have both. But that is my idea, not his and I can hope I can show him otherwise and teach him how to but that doesn’t mean it is true. I am also very concerned that I can easily overwhelm him with my attention, energy and nosiness and I am very careful to not go too far. This is a ridiculous situation to try to maintain if a relationship happens. Eventually I will be completely me and if he can’t handle it, then so be it.

The biggest sign that it isn’t a good idea is that our lives have overlapped since at least 1996 (attending the same cons and such) and he doesn’t remember me at all. I spotted him a little over two years ago and was aware of him each time out paths crossed. He remembers signing someone’s cast a year+ ago but not that it was mine. That was the year I had hoped I could get him to sign it with is phone number, I was that aware and interested in him. He knows me now but not from before I made a point of getting to know him.

This lack of awareness is unheard of in my experience. Not that there aren’t people that don’t know me but that I generally only deal with those that have seen me as sparkly and come up to me. Almost any guy I have dated has noticed me before I noticed him. There was one other time when I went after the guy (P) I was interested in rather than the guys that were interested in me. It was back in college and I remember it as not going so well.

I managed to get it to the point where we were dating for a few months before I left for the summer. I was taking a class overseas and then working at a summer camp. My idea was do whatever you want during the summer but be here when I come back. Well, half way through summer camp he sent me a Dear John letter. He found himself interested in another girl and felt he couldn’t allow himself to be interested in her while still connected to me. So he broke up with me to see if he could even pursue her. I felt he was silly for permanently ending it between us before he found out if there was anything worth pursuing. We weren’t that serious. I sent him a letter back and never heard from him. Eventually I ended up with an old friend from college that came for a visit and that led to my being engaged 6 months later.

When I got back to school, I found out the guy that broke up with me felt so awful about the breakup that he couldn’t even read my response. He would ride his motorcycle up near the reservoir in dangerous ways because he was really messed up about it. We cleared that up (I smacked him upside the back of his head) and he started pursuing the girl he was interested in. They eventually married.

What I figured out from that is that I can be very shiny but when the one that I am interested in is away from my shine, he can stop focusing on me and finds a reason that we don’t work. This theory has been supported a number of times since. It is nice to be shiny but I would much rather have the guy be able to think clearly when I am around so that what works is really working for all of our needs.

This leads me back to my current crush. Part of me thinks that maybe the fact that he isn’t all “wow, you are shiny” might be a good thing. It has been months since we became friends and I haven’t really done anything other than be a friend (which is forever for me) so I am trying to take things slowly and see what happens instead of pushing things one way or another. I plan on asking him if he would be interested in going out but am waiting for a good time. I am thinking that won’t happen for at least a month or so. But I am also trying to kill this crush I have on him. If I can make the crush go away, then no harm, no foul. I have had crushes before on guys that are a “bad idea” (like a boss or co-worker) and found when they run their course and I get over it, I look at my former crushee and wonder what drugs I was on. I keep wondering if this is one of those crushes and I will “get better” in time and should keep my mouth shut.

This post topic has been on a back burner for awhile and the thing that pushed it to an actual post is that I heard from the guy from college. I went looking for him and found a possible email address and sent off a query about a month or so ago. A few days ago I heard from him and we confirmed we were who the other thought we were. Today I found him on facebook. I could see one picture and damn, he looks good. He was sort of silly looking in college (not in a bad way but not heart melting yummy either). This picture looks very melting and I find myself thinking about him again. In our email chain, he is referring to a lot of things we have in common that I didn’t know we had in common because he wasn’t into them until after I lost track of him. I would have kept in touch but when he graduated he had some super secret clearance job and wouldn’t tell me where he was moving or give me an address or anything.

I had a weird pattern that developed after he was gone that made me think of him. There was C that I hung out with, I was very interested in, and we almost became an item but it didn’t work out. Then I dated J for a year. After that I was dating P (the guy in this post from college). After P, I was engaged to C for about a year, after that I dated J for 4 years. I figured I was doing a repeat cycle. That would mean P was next but I lost touch with him. Much life has happened since but now that P and I are in touch again, I can’t help but wonder if he still has a repeat turn to take. (yes I am aware that humans make patterns out of things that really don’t follow patterns but that doesn’t keep me from wondering). Him having a melting picture and so many common interests feeds that idea. His marriage only lasted two years as well.

A point against him is that he is located on the East Coast. If it wasn’t for the GUD (geographically UnDesirable) status, he would be a lot more likely possibility than my current crush. I have been able to see more of his photos on fb and he is still as funny looking (he has wild hair and a very broad face with a wide open expression). I like his look but it isn’t as instantly heart melting. It can become heart melting when mixed with the actual person. I will be finding out more about him and his current life so I will see if I calm down with more info or develop more of an interest.

Crushes are sort of nice. They are a great source of energy and motivation that I don’t seem to be able to sabotage but damn, the tension of not being able to do anything about them and needing to be patient is not a comfortable feeling. At least P will help distract me from my local crush. I am concerned that my actions based on my crush (because these feelings do feel like they can runaway with me) will end up driving him away as even a friend and that would make me very sad.

I am having trouble with motivations. If I don’t want to do what is on my list to do, I don’t get up and I sleep. If I really do want to do what is on my list, I don’t get up and I sleep. I wanted to get out and about yesterday. Enjoy the rain, get a sandwich from Subway, hit storage to see what is there. And I slept. I couldn’t move.

I know I am doing it to myself. peek behind the circus tent, otherwise known as click this for more whining.