The world out here, out side my head, is Craptastic. In my head, everything works. Out here I get hit. Inside I am safe. Out here I am vulnerable to the lightest touch hurting me. Inside, thing are the way I need them to be and wonderful and opportunities show up everywhere and there are things I can make with the turn of my mind and places to show them off. Out here, everything is uphill and I have to fight and I am mostly alone. The safest people are the ones that don’t know me well at all and are at a distance. The ones that are close are the ones that either aren’t there or I have to defend myself from being hurt by. No wonder I feel unconnected to those that should be close. It isn’t safe.

And today isn’t a bad day. It is an ok day. For a few moments there (yes, I got up half an hour ago) it was even a nice day. One sentence in one email that doesn’t mean much has sent me into a dive bomb. My structure is so fragile.

CRAP!

I would rather sleep until it is time for it all to be over. Just like I would rather eat through a tube. I may miss some good stuff but I wouldn’t have to deal with all the bad stuff anymore. I am just treading water until it is over.