I have a crush on a guy I know. I am aware that it is mostly based on who I imagine he is rather than on who he really is because I don’t know him that well and there are a number of things that should signal to me “run away” that aren’t working. I do enjoy his company and he has a lot going for him that I like. He fits well on my list as a friend.

But there is evidence that he is a withdrawn type and is it is likely that he would pull away from me when he gets to much of me rather than let me know. I have been burned by this a lot in the last 5 years and I don’t want to walk into that again. He also has this idea that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship ever again. He has been married a few times and I think his view point is that when he was married that was his life and now that he is on his own, he is having the time of his life. My viewpoint is that the two are not mutually exclusive and his experience is based on not knowing how to have both. But that is my idea, not his and I can hope I can show him otherwise and teach him how to but that doesn’t mean it is true. I am also very concerned that I can easily overwhelm him with my attention, energy and nosiness and I am very careful to not go too far. This is a ridiculous situation to try to maintain if a relationship happens. Eventually I will be completely me and if he can’t handle it, then so be it.

The biggest sign that it isn’t a good idea is that our lives have overlapped since at least 1996 (attending the same cons and such) and he doesn’t remember me at all. I spotted him a little over two years ago and was aware of him each time out paths crossed. He remembers signing someone’s cast a year+ ago but not that it was mine. That was the year I had hoped I could get him to sign it with is phone number, I was that aware and interested in him. He knows me now but not from before I made a point of getting to know him.

This lack of awareness is unheard of in my experience. Not that there aren’t people that don’t know me but that I generally only deal with those that have seen me as sparkly and come up to me. Almost any guy I have dated has noticed me before I noticed him. There was one other time when I went after the guy (P) I was interested in rather than the guys that were interested in me. It was back in college and I remember it as not going so well.

I managed to get it to the point where we were dating for a few months before I left for the summer. I was taking a class overseas and then working at a summer camp. My idea was do whatever you want during the summer but be here when I come back. Well, half way through summer camp he sent me a Dear John letter. He found himself interested in another girl and felt he couldn’t allow himself to be interested in her while still connected to me. So he broke up with me to see if he could even pursue her. I felt he was silly for permanently ending it between us before he found out if there was anything worth pursuing. We weren’t that serious. I sent him a letter back and never heard from him. Eventually I ended up with an old friend from college that came for a visit and that led to my being engaged 6 months later.

When I got back to school, I found out the guy that broke up with me felt so awful about the breakup that he couldn’t even read my response. He would ride his motorcycle up near the reservoir in dangerous ways because he was really messed up about it. We cleared that up (I smacked him upside the back of his head) and he started pursuing the girl he was interested in. They eventually married.

What I figured out from that is that I can be very shiny but when the one that I am interested in is away from my shine, he can stop focusing on me and finds a reason that we don’t work. This theory has been supported a number of times since. It is nice to be shiny but I would much rather have the guy be able to think clearly when I am around so that what works is really working for all of our needs.

This leads me back to my current crush. Part of me thinks that maybe the fact that he isn’t all “wow, you are shiny” might be a good thing. It has been months since we became friends and I haven’t really done anything other than be a friend (which is forever for me) so I am trying to take things slowly and see what happens instead of pushing things one way or another. I plan on asking him if he would be interested in going out but am waiting for a good time. I am thinking that won’t happen for at least a month or so. But I am also trying to kill this crush I have on him. If I can make the crush go away, then no harm, no foul. I have had crushes before on guys that are a “bad idea” (like a boss or co-worker) and found when they run their course and I get over it, I look at my former crushee and wonder what drugs I was on. I keep wondering if this is one of those crushes and I will “get better” in time and should keep my mouth shut.

This post topic has been on a back burner for awhile and the thing that pushed it to an actual post is that I heard from the guy from college. I went looking for him and found a possible email address and sent off a query about a month or so ago. A few days ago I heard from him and we confirmed we were who the other thought we were. Today I found him on facebook. I could see one picture and damn, he looks good. He was sort of silly looking in college (not in a bad way but not heart melting yummy either). This picture looks very melting and I find myself thinking about him again. In our email chain, he is referring to a lot of things we have in common that I didn’t know we had in common because he wasn’t into them until after I lost track of him. I would have kept in touch but when he graduated he had some super secret clearance job and wouldn’t tell me where he was moving or give me an address or anything.

I had a weird pattern that developed after he was gone that made me think of him. There was C that I hung out with, I was very interested in, and we almost became an item but it didn’t work out. Then I dated J for a year. After that I was dating P (the guy in this post from college). After P, I was engaged to C for about a year, after that I dated J for 4 years. I figured I was doing a repeat cycle. That would mean P was next but I lost touch with him. Much life has happened since but now that P and I are in touch again, I can’t help but wonder if he still has a repeat turn to take. (yes I am aware that humans make patterns out of things that really don’t follow patterns but that doesn’t keep me from wondering). Him having a melting picture and so many common interests feeds that idea. His marriage only lasted two years as well.

A point against him is that he is located on the East Coast. If it wasn’t for the GUD (geographically UnDesirable) status, he would be a lot more likely possibility than my current crush. I have been able to see more of his photos on fb and he is still as funny looking (he has wild hair and a very broad face with a wide open expression). I like his look but it isn’t as instantly heart melting. It can become heart melting when mixed with the actual person. I will be finding out more about him and his current life so I will see if I calm down with more info or develop more of an interest.

Crushes are sort of nice. They are a great source of energy and motivation that I don’t seem to be able to sabotage but damn, the tension of not being able to do anything about them and needing to be patient is not a comfortable feeling. At least P will help distract me from my local crush. I am concerned that my actions based on my crush (because these feelings do feel like they can runaway with me) will end up driving him away as even a friend and that would make me very sad.