I have been working on projects and finishing up some stuff over the last few days. It has been great but I do realize it is somewhat manic. I don’t feel manic, I just feel like I can get things done. Of course, I can’t actually get around to doing the things on my list that I have already sabotaged but I seem to be able to do new things.

The change I have made is taking a little Clonazepam (Klonopin) every day when I get up. And I do mean a little. I cut a pill in half and then in half again. Just a smidge. I think what is going on is the med takes the edge off my general anxiety which give me the room to actually do something rather than feeling like it would be better to roll over and not deal with the day. I could probably use more calming down but I will admit, I am grateful to be actually making things again. I like being able to make things. I am very familiar with not being able to sit still and wanting to be entertained by either working or reading or watching something.

I want to continue to be Doing again. This is my old status quo. It is not sustainable in this form, I realize that. But it is nice to visit.

I notice that my typing has gotten worse. I misspell things and don’t realize it. Typically, I will catch myself mistyping a word and backspace to fix but when I look over things now, I will find flat out wrong words and wrong endings (like -ling instead of -ly) and spaces in the wrong place. It is sort of like things are happening with no one actually driving.

Maybe I am drunk Doing (instead of drunk driving).

At least I am more in the here and now. Long term consequences seem unknowable to me at this point. They are vague and far away. I feel like I can work on what is in front of me and then go to the next thing. I can plan for the short term but things like secondary consequences just don’t compute. Ah, the joy of being an observer in your own brain.

The best thing is that I am functional again. I would say my flake factor is still high but I have a little more control over things then previously. Hopefully this will lead to more.