I called a time off on Reality and for Tues and Wed I didn’t bother with it. I slept and dreampt (I am pretty sure that is a word but spell check doesn’t know how to spell it either). After a 12 hour sugar induced sleep, I was able to count 7 epic dreams. That is the most I have ever had. Each had a full set of rules that I knew and would make a great story. I napped in the afternoon and had another one. It keeps coming up as a memory about doing a dissertation on corn.

I am back to at least dealing with reality and am pulled back into the internet. Sun and Monday were hard and I feel badly because I am either a bad person because I let my friends down or my friends don’t care much if I am there or not. I used to have things set up so it was ok if I showed up or not. But I wanted this bad enough I thought I would follow through. And I couldn’t make myself do it.

On Tues, I went to see my mom and she poked me in one of the areas I am failing at. I tried to hold my perspective and her perspective in my head at the same time to be able to explain to her why what she did is a bad idea and how we can work around it but I sprung a leak and lost all ability to manage anything. I had a bottle of water in my hand and when I threw it, yelling “I can’t do this,” it hit the floor hard enough to bounce off the wall at shoulder height and land on the tv stand. I grabbed my things and left crying. I wrote her a reasonable email when I got to the car, apologizing for my outburst and why it showed up the way it did. Then I did the shopping I needed to do. When I got home, I curled up and didn’t want to connect to the internet and haven’t until now.

I did get a call from Jennifer and Ken on Wed, and a txt from Kevin checking in on me. I appreciate those. Poor Jennifer got the full load from the corn dream because her call woke me up from it.

Now I have kaiser classes for the rest of the day. Maybe an hours work if it shows up for tomorrow. I feel better but not like anything has been resolved. Just that I need to plan for me to be at my most flaky again.

Didn’t make it much past the fix hair portion of the rest of my todo list. I ate lunch and that was it. Didn’t even get to the brush teeth line item. Although I did manage, later in the day, to do the Take out Trash (which includes loads of kittly litter droppings) line item. Yay! My nose thanks you.

I am thinking I just need to adjust to not being able to make it to the South Bay for the time being. If it was local, I think I could have thrown myself out the door and just dealt with it. But since it was a Long Trip (anything over 20 miles becomes a Long Trip) and planning was involved, it didn’t happen. Sometimes I am amazed I make it to Hilltop to visit my mom as frequently as I do.

I feel badly but there is only so much badly I can feel and then I send a shock through the system and short circuit the wires and give up. Many years ago I had friends all across the country. I hit a point where I had to draw a line and let go of all those below it. It hurt, I missed so many terribly, but now I don’t. LA was out for awhile but came back. South Bay comes and goes like cottages coming to to meet the sea and flowing back out again (HHTTG brain spike).

Once again, I chop another part of my life off and let it go. Seems I am good at that. Sadly, I think I end up chopping off pieces that are good for me in the process. And I am not sure chopping is the best way to go about it. I know I am tired of me and my flakyness. I suspect some friends are too. I wish it could be discussed reasonably so that lines could be appropriately drawn and worked within but that isn’t polite and it is an awkward conversation.

I am concerned that I am isolating myself even more. I don’t do well at parties and I have stopped going to most events. I do best one on one and appreciate those that have come to help me try to overcome my apartment but I wonder how many more times I can ask for help. I am glad I have my mom here. She allows me to bump heads with her and make things work.

I am doing better today but I wonder how deep the abyss I am standing next to is and if I am going to be sliding down its slopes or managing to walking away from it. The tv has been on for something over 4 hours on a blank station as I have lost myself in the internet.

I am probably being overly dramatic. That usually happens.

Paid Kaiser (missed last month) – check
Paid bills – check
Yelled at landlord for cashing my rent check early and set up electronic payment – check
Filled out CC timesheet and sent it in – check
Filled out KC invoicer and sent it in – check
Took shower – check (these days that is a big deal)
Cleaned out litterbox (do it all the time but still is an accomplishment) – check
Collected numbers to call two drs. – check
Checked on Kaiser apts for my birthday – check
Ate breakfast and took meds (again with the do this often but still counts as an accomplishment) – check.
Agreed to be submitted for a job for tomorrow – check

Gotten dressed – not yet
Fixed hair – not yet
Pick up more litter and kibble for foster kittens -
Pick up shirts from Target -
Pick up breakfast shakes from WalMart -
Get to South Bay for Fox Hollow (if this is a no go, then take stuff to storage) –
Check on job for tomorrow –

I am close to getting out of the house so I think I can make it today.

Yesterday I dissolved into a none moving puddle. I had to disappoint friends. I think the fact that I was pushed to cry about it is probably what is making it possible to move today instead of repeating the performance.

Today is much better than yesterday. I am still working on how to be functional on days like yesterday. Nothing really wrong that I can fix, just me being the problem version of me.

Misc comments I have wanted to post to the world (they go here since I am trying to wean myself off facebook):

The Hermit showed up twice today in two tarot card readings. Guess my mindfullness/meditation class gets priority time tonight.

I have been working the last few days and it feels great. Wonderful company in Emeryville. Sent home early due to no more work to do (but stayed and took care of my timesheet). I like it here and it felt good to work again. Before the work showed up, I actually finished some projects and had some good connection with other people which fed my soul well.

I am loving Heart of Dixie, Fringe, PanAm, and 2 Broke Girls on TV. They are shows I save so I can savor them. I am looking forward to trying Once Upon a Time and Grimm. Other favs that rank just as high are Plain Sight, Necessary Roughness, and Royal Pains (all which happen to be on the USA network). There are a lot of secondary shows I watch too. If I got BBC America I would be even more doomed.

Harry’s Law has been removed from my list of to watch ever. Loved it last season and they changed it so much I don’t like it at all. I watched the three part season opener and gave it one more show to see if it kept anything worthwhile. Nope.

I sent some stuff to my mom about me around her pushing info about myself at me without getting me onboard first. I wanted to save it here to archive it and because it does explain some stuff about me. It covers some strength/weaknesses about me and how I operate. It also lists something I consider very valuable and treasure.

“Helping me explore something is great. You have done a wonderful job and I think I have grown a lot from it. I really appreciate the walls you have given me as I let go of somethings and find new ways to hold them.

I think we run into trouble when you try to tell me something I don’t want to hear. I am sorry I can’t be the type of person that listens to everything and can take everything that is told to me. I feel like I fail at being a “good” person because of this and I know that is distorted thinking but I also acknowledge that does come up. I think I am great at being able to accept a lot about myself that most people wouldn’t be able to, that I can work on myself and others in ways that are rare and wonderful. I surmise that this ability is what I do in an attempt to not being able to handle being told other things. I am great if I can discover things for myself but lousy at having something pushed at me that I am not ready for. I am sorry if this means I am “less than” in your eyes. I am sorry that it means you don’t get to have your say the way you would like to. I am sorry it means you have to watch me run into the same walls over and over because I am not ready to see them as walls in my way yet. But it is me. It is who I am and how I work. This is a square peg thing that I am not willing to even attempt to change because I don’t think I can. It is an area that is way too vulnerable and fragile to modify. Being this way protected me from having my self esteem destroyed in elementary school as well as other parts of me in other parts of my life. I regret that I can’t pick up ways to get better from being pushed at but only because it causes problems, not because I think I shouldn’t be this way. I think my way is a good way even if it is square rather than round. It is who I am and I embrace, good or bad, it for all its strengths and all its weaknesses.

I would love it if we could find a way for you to lay out or present things you think would be good for me to learn but allow me to pick them up or walk around them. I do love finding new things about me to play with.

I have an idea how hard it is to understand me and meet me where I am with a problem I am having and helping me find a way out. I figure this is tiring and imagine there is some element of “why does it always have to be your way?” involved. My way has a lot of good to it, we have solved a lot of our issues by giving into my way. But that doesn’t mean my way is the only right way and it isn’t fair. I am doing what I can to learn other ways and try to make them work as well. Sadly, I think that it usually means that I learn someone else’s way and it becomes another one of my ways so I am not really changing at all. I can tell you it means a lot to me to have someone that can meet me inside of my way of thinking and help me bounce ideas around that I can’t get to myself. Something I also value enormously is people that have let me see how they really thing (this usually involves a lot of exposing vulnerabilities on their part) which allows me to adapt my ways to include what they need/want. I feel so honored when people trust me with that sort of info and when they allow me to help them. That is a richness in life I think it worth it and I find it very rare and only shows up infrequently. It is something I actively search for and in some ways makes it harder to be around for friends. It feels very risky for most people. This is why I want to find other people, people who value this. Of course, people that are like this a lot scare me and make me want to hide. I am aware of that too.

I may be narrow but that is because I am picky. I am picky because I am vulnerable and I hurt so easily. I am careful, oh so careful, to surround myself with things that will hurt me as little as possible. Yes that does make life hard. Yes, I probably making my life harder than it needs to be because of this choice. But I need it because I don’t know how to let it go and still not get massively hurt. You and I had email to relieve some of our issues and have reaped the rewards of not running into defenses. We were able to discuss our walls and make better, smaller ones and systems of notifying each other where the sensitive areas are so we could dismantle so much of our armory and we get to enjoy the juicy wonderfulness that was protected before. I can imagine that you can see this wonderful field of opportunity laying before me just waiting for me to step into it but I don’t have a safe way to get to it. Polton is a good example of how hurt I can get
by things that most people can just brush off.”

Watered down prune juice and ice tea mix is rather tasty.
The show I look forward to watching is Inspector Lewis on PBS.
Sure signs of passing middle age?

I can’t think of what food I would never imagine I would eat but might like as an old person. I never cared for prune juice when I have tried it before. I figure a show like Matlock might be a sign of old age. Maybe no tv would be my sign.

Back from the surgery clinic and having a “procedure” done. Not feeling all that great (pain does me in, imagine that).

I plug my computer in to check out what hydrocodone is like and find that my offsite job has yet another edit for me and is needing it immediately. They keep telling me it is done and they email me after I check my emails in the morning and not again for a day or so. It is magic how they managed to squeak in the longest time between email checkins that I have. I also have two other phone call message that are demanding my attention.

I wasn’t expecting to have anything done today and this other stuff is sort of out of the blue and I am out of good spoons to deal with them. I have to resort to reserve scratched and dented spoons in order to deal and it makes me pissy. I had a good chocolate high going before I opened my email. Now my head hurts some more. grrrr bark bark.

(BTW) I am trying to wean myself off facebook and do more over here. Having LJ log me off after one day and getting hit with the overriding ad does not help their case.)

Fresne and I saw the final show of this season’s Shakespeare in the Park’s production of Cymboline. It was great. Steam punk costumes and focus (custom utilitkilt knock-offs were included), rain earlier to lift my spirits and clear out the day, overcast for most of the show making it a comfortable interlude to sit on a blanket in the middle of grass, sun showing up near the end to bake us and remind us how much we appreciate the cloudy day. It was not crowded, which surprised me, probably due to the rain. We stopped at Safeway for sandwiches and other picnic food to augment our supplies. Because I didn’t really know exactly where we were going and the main roads were crowded, our path was circuitous and scenic. An event and a day that makes you pleased to be part of the Bay Area.

The other quote we loved was, “Posthumus, where art thine head?”

Question: What do I need to focus on to deal with the big things (i.e. not being able to do dishes, laundry, filling out timesheets, get wireless set up, and ultimately go to work in the long run)?
Current situation: The Magician
Action to take: 9 of cups
Expected result: The World

Reading:
I am having a hard time creating the life I want. I am not in alignment with myself or I don’t trust my power. I don’t know what I want or am unwilling or afraid to do what I need to in order to get it.
I need to stop searching for happiness outside of myself, stop focusing on externals, stop confusing channels with source. I am the source.
I will learn a lesson that has been eluding me for some time and I will finally be ready to move on.

This reading fit my question really well. I can see where I am too afraid and unwilling to do what I need to in order to have what I know I want and how I am not sure what else I want. I know that I am the source and I have been looking to externals to lead me to what it is in me I need to find. I would love for this phase to be over and move onto the next phase. I do feel that I am missing the piece that will help me not be afraid or unwilling to do what I need to. There is a strong feeling of having my hands in close to my chest and pushing outward when it comes to doing these “hard” things. Like a little kid pushing something she really doesn’t want away from her. I am not a kid any more. I want to figure out how to resolve this issue and grow up rather than suppress it and have it undermine me some more.

So my next question is why am I so unwilling and afraid and how do I get past it.

I have been reading some stuff about women running into low self esteem today and for the last month chewing on how men can get away with shit that if done by a woman, it is seen in a negative light. She gets called annoying, a bitch, hard, cold, etc.

I found a link to a challenge (http://karenhealey.livejournal.com/871457.html). The challenge addressed to women, to write why you are awesome.

I am great at PowerPoint, Excel and Word. I can make them do my bidding.

I am awesome in tutoring others, I can get an idea of how they see the world and translate things into their speak, sometimes even when I don’t know the material myself. I like spreading information around and providing people with stuff they want to know.

I am incredible at Line Management. I make standing in line a good experience. I keep my line informed as to what is going on, I optimize things so things are the best they can be for everyone, I work with those in line to take care of needs like maintaining a fire lane or a gap for a doorway. It is a superpower and I can’t resist doing it when I see the opportunity.

I have legs that go on forever. I love these legs and my ankles that make them look great.

I have an oddball coloring which allows me to wear almost anything and look either good or great.

I love the fact that I am an oddball. Weird is a delightful compliment to me.

I have a fast brain. I jump from thought to though quickly. I process a great deal of knowledge.

I can be wonderful in a crisis. I have handled deadlines with ease and have been a calming influence on others around me. I tend to make these things fun. (I am unsure if this is still the case so I can’t say so with confidence at this time but it has been there in spades in the past so it counts.)

I have great clothing fu and a huge amount of clothing to choose from in various sizes.

These are my things, not things others have complimented me on until I believe them. These are all things that grew into place from inside me.

I have the other side too. Things I don’t do well, weaknesses. There are huge quagmires of low self esteem that I fall into sometimes. But this post is about where I am awesome and things I admire about myself. Many find it hard to write these sorts of things out. Not sure why I find it rather easy. That is another thing I find awesome about me. I can own up to my own stuff, good or bad, wit relative ease. I accept who I am in all my shades.

(there is a little part of me that is now worrying that I look egotistical and not humble. It says I don’t want to appear like something I am not really. The rational side tells that little part to sit down and shut up. I never give the appearance as I really am, it is impossible via text like this. So what if this time I appear to have a bigger head than reality when other times I appear to have a smaller ego than reality. I tend to like cocky men, this is my chance to be a cocky woman. So there.)