I do a better job at handling disappointment now than I used to but it is still not all that great. I think I get mesmerized by the face-plant I see myself falling towards and am not able to look sideways once I start down that track. I seem to be able to limit the despair/depression to the actual problems at hand even if I can’t see anything outside those problems. At least I have gotten to the point where I don’t end up coloring everything else in my life with the same brush. I just tend to have a hard time seeing the other things in my life.

In the past, it was imperative to distract myself from whatever could go wrong before I saw how bad it could be. And to make sure I wasn’t in a position to have any kind of disappointments. In order to work against the need to keep the risks minimal I would get worked up into a frenzy every time I stuck my neck out. This is how I dealt with finding jobs. Lately, I have been amazed at how easy it has been to write a cover letter and send in a resume and samples. This, and the low level job process of filling out applications, would fill me with such dread and since I had to do it to get a job, my energy levels afterwards would be at a frantic level. I had so much undirected energy at those times I had to things I couldn’t normally do just to drain it off. And it felt horrible. Once I got to the interview stage, I was fine. It was a weird quirk of mine.

Today I have been avoiding making contact with the people I met yesterday because I was suppose to hear from them yesterday afternoon about the two week job. I have known exactly what I was going to say and I also wanted to just hide my head and let it pass and do the non-confrontational assumption of “they didn’t pick me” because they blew me off. After 3 hours of watching TV and really wanting to just fast forward it all so I could get the story without all the pauses, I decided to bite the bullet and call. I knew that I felt miserable and it was just going to continue and therefore what is the worse that can happen? Since I would feel better even if they told me that I was a lousy fit for something I know I would be great at, it could only get better.

Turns out that someone who has done the work before that they thought was unavailable is available and is doing the job. They said they liked me and thanked me for waiting and would keep my info. I don’t know how true all that is. I would like to work with/for them in the future so if it is true, at least it is an open door. If it isn’t true, I haven’t lost anything and I can put it behind me.

I do know what would be good for me. Going out for a bike ride would help. Getting any kind of exercise/movement would be good. Getting involved with other people would be good. Going shopping would be good. But I am still stuck in my ways enough that I am not moving in that direction. My legs hurt from the walking yesterday (I think it is because I had the heels replaced on my dress shoes and that really stretched my calves) and this is the same pain I had after taking the bike out once. I don’t want to try and reach out to anyone because that is opening the door to more rejection and hurt. I don’t feel protected enough to put myself into that vulnerable position. Yeah, going outside could be good but there is the fear of what if it isn’t. Then I wouldn’t have any back-up plans that I can use as an excuse to why things aren’t better.

I am bull headed enough to follow up on some emails that are risk taking. There is a sense of distance when it is people you don’t know and it is via email. I need to be careful not to look too closely to the possibilities in that arena or I will collapse under the weight. One of the ways I deal with my troubles is by planning the future out. Well, since this is a risk and I am feeling like I need to be overly cautious, that planning would show me all the ways this could hurt and then I wouldn’t move at all. This is one way I have managed to change my process to the better.

Disappointment has had most of my life to be a habit of derailing me. So it still does. I just have to remind myself it isn’t as bad as it used to be and a result of the work I already am doing on myself, it has the possibility of having less of a pull on my mood.

Baby steps.