I have spent a lot of days alone in this last week. On monday, I tried reaching out and no one was available. People started showing up on Tuesday which I already had covered. It was really weird.

I don’t feel very competent and I can feel my shaking down to the bone. I don’t want to be around people because I have a hard time talking and getting my ideas across. Therapy was really good last night. We hit some meaningful stuff and I am wondering if this is part of that stuff. I wonder if I give into what I am feeling if I will be taking care of myself and get better or if I will just let it run away with me and get worse. I really wish I came with a diagnostics system that is better defined.

Saturday, I met someone that is a 7w6 like I am. Usually when I meet people that I know are 7s, we seem to slide off each other. I like them but there doesn’t seem to be much traction. This guy was different. It was so weird to have my methods of thinking reflected back to me but in a different form. I think he is enough like me to be on the same wavelength but different enough to be interesting. Or some mix of that.

I got notice for a job for the next two weeks which is about a brand that was launched when I worked at BGI. I did a good job writing the cover letter and modifying my resume. I am sure I could rip apart how well I did (and there are voices in the back of my head urging to do just that) but all of me concedes that it is better than I could have done in the past. I am surprised by how different the process feels now from how it used to. Hmmmm maybe that is where some of this shakiness is coming from. I used to be a basket case when doing the job hunt/paperwork thing. Once I am to the interview stage, I am much better. Now I feel like I won’t be able to do the interview part as well as I should.

It is good that I am having dinner with friends tonight. I cooked up an entire roast and have been trying to get the carrots and potatoes to cook but they just aren’t. I think I need to come up with a salad because the meat is very oily and something needs to break up the clogs. Bread will help soak it up but won’t do anything to unclog it. These words aren’t the right words for what I am trying to describe but they sort of pass on the idea. I just know what would work and what wouldn’t work with this food by instinct.

I am not feeling overly depressed but I am not feeling good. It seems like it would be really easy for me to slide right into depression. In some ways, I am wanting to crawl out of my skin. It would be good for me to have a physical activity that I enjoyed. I think it would help.