It is interesting to watch myself get upset when I am being jerked around by someone else but don’t respect myself enough to do anything for myself. I can get really angry and have loads of energy when I feel like someone else is messing with me and treating me poorly. But when it is just me, myself, and I, I don’t move or lift a finger in ways that would improve my situation.

I know better and I do try. I just don’t get anywhere with it. I start and then feel like I am facing a clif that is leaning over my head ready to crumble down on me and it is best if I don’t do anything to mess up the precarious balance of the system and I should just shut down until something from outside of me demands my attention again.

I have been focusing on helping others to help myself but that isn’t working out so well. And the part that isn’t working is not what I thought it would be. I am great when helping others but the others aren’t working out. I try to set things up and things keep coming apart. I admit there is a certain balance that works for me to help, a narrow band, so if something doesn’t work then there aren’t too many other options.

I have energy for others but no energy for myself. I am not sure why. I am at a point where I know that I am good and great and all that but I don’t like myself and I don’t like where or what I am. When I am with others, my natural defense structure automatically takes over and I am pushing energy out of me and having a good time. When I am by myself, the energy doesn’t move. It pools at the lowest point and gets stuck. Enthusiasm is the only thing that provides motivation and I am running out of any kind of enthusiasm.

I am pissed at a friend of mine because he is flaking and including me in his flake. I wouldn’t be pleased with him flaking but I would make room for it because that is what he needs right now. I am really angry over him projecting his issues onto me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t have a clue who I am and I don’t see options on how to work with him to make things better. My old self would have just cut and run by now. My current self wishes I could too. So I have all this energy when I think of him, I want to yell at him, sit down and talk things out, find out where this stuff is coming from and understand him better…all this stuff is all in relationship to him and us being in connection during the process.

So I think, why don’t I use all this energy for myself since he is flaking out on me. I had plans to take advantage of the day and they came to naught. I am sitting up now looking around and everything looks too hard to even start. It is sort of like that feeling of staring at a blank piece of paper and knowing you have to write/draw/paint/show something but have no idea what or even where to start. Everything is a starting point and everything is overwhelming. I feel a vague sense of what to do but nothing firm enough to act on. The computer is the only thing that seems to be able to get me moving. Even writing this was hard to start but I felt I had a thread so I started tugging on it.

I am missing the threads to tug on in the rest of my life. I don’t want or don’t like any of them and there isn’t anything to keep me occupied/distracted enough to just start working on something.

Yeah, I don’t like me much today. I don’t like my life and I know it is within my ability to change it but I don’t know what I want to change it into. I am full of I don’t wants right now and I don’t see an end to them. I am aware that there are moments when they aren’t there but I feel like I am sinking into the quicksand of them right now and I don’t have anyone I can trust to get me out. It would be easier to just detach from everyone and stop caring. Then I wouldn’t be so vulnerable to the quicksand. Again, I know that isn’t true but it feels like the truth.

I am so sick and tired of my drama and melancholy and shit. I wish I could just quit it but there is something in here that I need and I don’t dare let go. I wish there was a drug for that.