I avoid pain. But I am learning to appreciate ways it can enhance things or is appropriate or can be part of growth.

At first I didn’t think I liked even the idea of being spanked. I have found out I do. I am not looking into the whys or where this comes from but I found it to be very inspiring in both practice and in thought. I am still a tender girl and so I can’t take it too hard. I don’t like it for the sake of pain. But I have gotten off on just being spanked before.

I have tried dripping wax and it hurt. We were using regular candles and it was dripped directly onto my nipple. The experience turned me off of that and it would take a lot of trust and coaxing before I would be open to it again.

I see no reason for nipple clamps. They just hurt and I haven’t found a way they turn me on.

No piercings. I can’t imagine what would make them feel good enough to deal with the pain involved.

When I have had too much pain, I crumple. I just curl up into a ball and lock everything outside. Anything that felt good before becomes bad. The way to deal with me is to hold me and comfort me as I get my emotions under control. It feels like I am battling for survival and there is a huge flood of adrenaline that needs to be worked through. Petting me like a child is useful. Nothing sexual at this point. Contact is good to maintain.

I fall very much on the submissive scale of things. I feel too unsure of my ability to read others and know what they would like to be the one in charge.

While I know how much I enjoy being on the submissive end of things and doing something for someone else, I have a hard if not impossible time believing someone would want to do that for me so I can’t tell them to. If they do it from their own volition, then that proves to me they actually want to do it. If they do it because I told them too, then it only means they are trying to follow my instructions, not that they are enjoying it themselves. This is a big deal to me and can totally throw me out of the mood if it goes askew.

I don’t like much being forced into doing things. Sometimes I can be subservient and do what I am asked with pleasure. Mostly the type of submissive activity I enjoy is being held down and being done to. Not having the power or the responsibility is wonderful to me.

And it is important for me to know that I can always say no and get out. That allows me to stay in.

My head is more responsive than my body so being spoken to can be very erotic. Stories, scenarios, roleplaying are things I like a lot. There are times when I can get off from just the idea and very little to no physical stimulation.

There are many times when my head is not engaged and it will start trying to control things and shut down the pleasure reactions. I think very fast and it gets in the way of just letting go and experiencing. This is why I think having something for my head to chew on/ponder while the body is enjoying works well for me.

I appreciate a man with a good imagination and story telling abilities. This is one of the reasons I think I am drawn to gamers.

I overslept this morning. Instead of getting up and dealing with my reality, I was dreaming that I was fighting zombies.

I was at a restaurant with friends (including fresne and capricious_k) having a nice dinner in a back corner. Then we heard the news about zombies. I rushed downstairs for some reason (the restaurant was on the top floor of some building). When the elevator opened, I had zombies on both sides (both sides of the elevator had doors that opened). I had prepared for them or thought I had. I was terrified and had tried to get my hand into a fist to sock whatever was in the door that opened. I didn’t know which door would open and it was hard to try to be ready to go either direction. When they both opened, I sort of froze and auto-pilot kicked in and I grabbed one zombie and threw it into the other.

I then I did whatever I needed to and went back upstairs. We found that taking wood and running it up under the zombie’s chin and into their head would stop them. Fresne, Capricious_k and I cleared the zombies out and the restaurant staff was very appreciative. They have us a dinner later and kept presenting us with little flags.

There was even one point where I kicked out at a zombie and I know I actually kicked the covers on my bed. That was startling.

The sad bit about this is in the dream I was scared. I was not the savior of the universe. I was not a hero. I didn’t feel special. But I still preferred that reality to this one when I woke up. Things were contained in the dream reality. They only went so far and no farther. There was nothing beyond the horizon. I shouldn’t be afraid or nervous or concerned by what is beyond the horizon but for some reason I am. All this added up to me being even later to work today than I have been so far. I need to get a handle on this soon.

I think I am starting to have a clue about what is going on. This getting up problem feels like it has replaced a defense I have set aside in my work on myself. I put aside my constant anxiety, my Emotional Debit Card and my need to know everything and plan three to five layers deep. I think this avoidance of reality when getting up is there to take care of something that was taken care of by those other things until I moved them. I don’t know what is being protected. I don’t know why I am having such problems. I just know that when I am moving, I do ok but when I am at a dead stop, I don’t seem to be able to get myself moving very well.

I feel like I should be doing better than I am. I have the mental ability to think things through. I just don’t seem to actually move on things. It is like deciding to move your arm and noticing that you arm is just lying there like a lump. Everything feels ok, is just isn’t responding. The diagnostics say all pathways are clear and nothing seems out of place. But it doesn’t work. And I don’t know why.

And since I “know” I should be able to do better and I “want” to do better, I am really hard on myself when I am not doing. I am a firm believer that we are in control of our own lives and we have the power to change whatever. I want to change but I am not doing what I need to to make it happen. This means to me that somewhere in me I don’t want to change and I am undermining myself. I am causing my own problems. And I hate myself for doing that. Every time I get to that ledge of hating myself for what I am creating, I managed to talk myself back off of it. But it is hard work and tiring. But it is better than sitting there hating myself.

This would explain why I am craving sugar and chocolate so much. Sometimes that feels like the only thing that I can use to get myself home at night. I can curl up and eat some kind of cake. Cake makes me feel better. It soothes me out and settles me down. Sadly, distractions are wearing thin. I have lots of ideas for dinner but I have learned by watching that I don’t get around to actually being able to make anything. I feel like I can but I collapse before anything gets done. I wasn’t even able to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich last night. I conked out with a dinner of potato chips, baby tomatoes and marble cake edges. Dead asleep to sleep too late to then fight zombies and get to work at 11 am.

I am more healthy than I have been in some ways and have more problems in others.

And to top all of this off, I couldn’t get LJ to load for a good couple of hours. I almost didn’t post this because of that. Guess it is a good thing it has been such a slow day at work.

Things have been on the upswing so much so that I forget what it is like when it is down. I know better but I still managed to put myself in the same positions that set me up for feeling lousy. And of course, I am pissed at myself because I know I am the one doing it to myself.

I was going to the Grace Cathedral Labyrinth night yesterday because I was in the City. But I managed to find things I needed to do online (mostly surfing) and left work around 8pm. I determined that I really didn’t want to go but I should eat. The original idea was to head to the 24th st bart station and get one of those wonderful bacon wrapped hot dogs for dinner before the labyrinth. Considering how difficult it has been for me to get around to eating lately I kept to that part of the plan.

I got a sugar free gelato and a hot dog and this was good. I did good and it was good. Then I headed home and I crashed. I curled up at 10:30 on the couch and dozed. At midnight I transferred to my bed. I didn’t get up until 2:30pm on Sat.

I could have gotten up at 8:20 or many times after that but did my refusal thing. I was planning to see Ocean’s 13 at 3pm (at the Parkway) having loaded my laundry into the car and doing laundry afterwards. I managed to get out of the house at 10 til and because of the route I took I didn’t make it to the Parkway until 3:15. I figured that this would be a bad movie to miss the first 20 minutes of so I headed home the short way. I tried to keep moving, the car needs to be washed, my clothes need washed (there is a spider in them that has already bitten me 12 times and I ITCH). Didn’t happen. I curled up on the couch and dozed some more. So of course I can’t sleep not that it is night and time to sleep.

I did managed to make some food (mac and cheese with grilled spam). Of course I had to let it sit out and get cold before I would consider eating it. I ate one bowl after nuking it. (I need a new microwave, this one has a hole rusted in the bottom.)

I did managed to talk to my dad and get some stuff worked out. That was painful but productive. I did managed to promote a website to a live status (http://sunculinary.com). There is more work to do on it (links to articles and a real index page) but it is mostly done. I have coded another idea I had and made the graphics (http://www.ginaleepalmer.com/sundog/sundog.html) and am waiting to get feedback and more info. That was productive of me and I am grateful for that.

I was thinking of calling some friends but managed to undermine that one over and over. I didn’t want to really talk to some friends, other friends would probalby be gone or unavailable, the ones I really want to talk to are ones I should not get to hooked on and need to let go or at least stop obsessing about. Pretty much whatever place a friend has in my life, I turn around and want the opposite.

It is my belief that this is a broken defense mechanism. Since I am messing around with my internal programing I think I have something plugged in backwards. I don’t know what it is so I can’t work on it but I do know it is layered under a lot of icky emotion. I wish I would stop being so self destructive. (I still have yet to make it to my new job on time).

I just noticed that SciFi has a new show starting tonight, Wolf Lake. It takes place in a small Northwest town and the secret is that some of the townspeople are werewolves.

Another Northwest supernatural show to check out and see if it is any good.

I would think some place like Wyoming would be good for a werewolf show. But then again, they would have to compete with coyotes.

It is slow at work which is good for a first week, so you all get a job update.

This place is great. I am having a hard time appreciating the good things about it because it seems to be too good to be true and then the hole will open up below me and swallow me when I am least expecting it. I am not excited about things like I would at previous jobs but the little things fit my way of doing stuff very well.

There are three of us in the Publications room. We had a discussion today that all three of us don’t like offices. We rather be in an open seating arrangement than closed away from other people. We are all Microsoft Power Users and are trading ideas and tips and getting excited over a new way to force a page break before a paragraph. We can get giddy over it sometimes. We have a fourth member has been here for years, works part time and will be moving away around Nov. We drag the two Proposal people into the trainings we are having and we all Geek software and file structure. It is soooo cooool!

We had a office potluck yesterday and almost everyone showed up. Someone from Walnut Creek who happened to be in the City managed to come by. There was food galore and people talked and enjoyed each other.

There is an office Bingo game. Different terms used around the office are put in a grid and if you hear one of them or get them in a new email you write down who and when and cross it off. This time around you win when you get every box around the outside crossed off. When you get the last box, you get on the office phone system which is like a paging system and announce Bingo. When I came in for one of my interviews, someone won the game and so the conference phone announced Bingo! Not the top of professional but a much better easy going nature that I appreciate.

They love that I ask questions. I try to rotate them. In some respect this job is below my skills like most of the work I have done over the last 8 years. In another respect, they are keeping me on my toes by asking me hard questions like how to get a Word table to behave the way it should and keep those settings when saved and reopened. And these guys know so many things I don’t. I am used to being the Microsoft Goddess so it is a little hard not being huge steps ahead of those I work with. But I think I can learn to fit in.

They don’t have snacks and food in the kitchen (unless someone brings in something which has happened a lot this week due to the potluck). The money is not great (about half of what I was getting before or I should say just over what I was getting before but twice the time). I am getting fewer vacation days. I have been very spoiled in the past with benefits and perks due to working for Financial companies. But here I am working for a company involved in Transportation Planning which I feels is a product/service that actually adds the betterment of the community instead of focusing on just moving money around. The people here are much more my type of people and work the way I like to work. They offer Kaiser which was a HUGE deal for me accepting a job. I will get over the last bits of being spoiled and fully appreciate where I am.

I am still having a horrible time getting up and getting to work on time. This place has flex hours so I am getting away with it and I am not sure that is helpful. It is something I am continuing to work on.

I feel that I am in a good place. A lot of the depression dried up when I started working. It is exhausting though. I get home and all I want to do is sleep. This is probably the first time in 3 years that I have worked full time and continuously. Another thing to get used to.

Brain wants to dribble out of my head through yawns. I was not a good girl last night and stayed up way to late playing with a website I am doing for a friend so I am very tired today. Which is my first day of work.

We spent the morning in training getting more information that our heads can hold. This afternoon, they are having pity on us and letting us actually do work. This is good.

Still like this place. This is a good start.

yoiked from yndy

Str: 5
Int: 15
Wis: 16
Dex: 13
Con: 6
Chr: 11

http://www.thehaws.org/add_quiz.shtml

The strength and con may be a little low but not by much. I am a wimp in strength and with my weird sensitivities, my con would be low even though I seem to last through all these things. Other than that, I think it is about right. A tad above ave for chr and highest in Wis and Int. Those would be my strenhths.

Went to see Colma the Musical last night and it was lovely. I had a nice time giggling through the movie with Fresne, Sandpanther and Capricious_K. I want the soundtrack. It is an art house film done by rather young actors/writers (they pull off portraying 18 year olds) in and around Colma, CA. There is a lovely cemetery scene that is just so surreal that we want to find a way to make it into an event.

Had a long talk with Sandpanther afterwards. When I got home all of a sudden my lower back hurt. I think it was a culmination of everything that had happened since Tuesday. Very stressful, mostly good but still stressful. I even noticed today that my beautiful ankles are gone. They are swollen. They don’t hurt but they look so funny to me. I never realized how used to thin ankles I was until I noticed that they have actually changed shape and it is bugging me.

So I am home taking it easy and pampering my back and staring at my ankles. I have a date tomorrow (squeee) and a dear friend visiting on Thursday (another squeee). I am suppose to be taking it easy before I start my new job on Monday but I figure I need to at least have some activities to get me up and moving.

For the last week or so, people have been telling me I am looking good, better than I have. I think I am actually getting better enough that it is ok to be good and it is showing.