Things have been on the upswing so much so that I forget what it is like when it is down. I know better but I still managed to put myself in the same positions that set me up for feeling lousy. And of course, I am pissed at myself because I know I am the one doing it to myself.

I was going to the Grace Cathedral Labyrinth night yesterday because I was in the City. But I managed to find things I needed to do online (mostly surfing) and left work around 8pm. I determined that I really didn’t want to go but I should eat. The original idea was to head to the 24th st bart station and get one of those wonderful bacon wrapped hot dogs for dinner before the labyrinth. Considering how difficult it has been for me to get around to eating lately I kept to that part of the plan.

I got a sugar free gelato and a hot dog and this was good. I did good and it was good. Then I headed home and I crashed. I curled up at 10:30 on the couch and dozed. At midnight I transferred to my bed. I didn’t get up until 2:30pm on Sat.

I could have gotten up at 8:20 or many times after that but did my refusal thing. I was planning to see Ocean’s 13 at 3pm (at the Parkway) having loaded my laundry into the car and doing laundry afterwards. I managed to get out of the house at 10 til and because of the route I took I didn’t make it to the Parkway until 3:15. I figured that this would be a bad movie to miss the first 20 minutes of so I headed home the short way. I tried to keep moving, the car needs to be washed, my clothes need washed (there is a spider in them that has already bitten me 12 times and I ITCH). Didn’t happen. I curled up on the couch and dozed some more. So of course I can’t sleep not that it is night and time to sleep.

I did managed to make some food (mac and cheese with grilled spam). Of course I had to let it sit out and get cold before I would consider eating it. I ate one bowl after nuking it. (I need a new microwave, this one has a hole rusted in the bottom.)

I did managed to talk to my dad and get some stuff worked out. That was painful but productive. I did managed to promote a website to a live status (http://sunculinary.com). There is more work to do on it (links to articles and a real index page) but it is mostly done. I have coded another idea I had and made the graphics (http://www.ginaleepalmer.com/sundog/sundog.html) and am waiting to get feedback and more info. That was productive of me and I am grateful for that.

I was thinking of calling some friends but managed to undermine that one over and over. I didn’t want to really talk to some friends, other friends would probalby be gone or unavailable, the ones I really want to talk to are ones I should not get to hooked on and need to let go or at least stop obsessing about. Pretty much whatever place a friend has in my life, I turn around and want the opposite.

It is my belief that this is a broken defense mechanism. Since I am messing around with my internal programing I think I have something plugged in backwards. I don’t know what it is so I can’t work on it but I do know it is layered under a lot of icky emotion. I wish I would stop being so self destructive. (I still have yet to make it to my new job on time).