I responded to a post and wanted to keep my response so it is getting put here.

the post etc

Logging in to LJ has become a pain and I haven’t been checking it often. Most of the people I know have switched to facebook so I am hanging out over there.

I have been taking a Mind-Body class at Kaiser. All stuff I already know but it has a good structure to the material. It seems to have gotten some of it from my head into how I actually work. This is a good thing.

I have been absorbing things from craft blogs and collecting project materials. I haven’t gotten anything worked on yet so I still don’t know if it is just a distraction or if my Maker side has woken up again. I feel like these things will come to pass. Still waiting to see.

Mom has moved back from Bali. We have gotten her new place fitted out from the free section of Craigslist. I am very impressed with myself over the things I have found and gathered.

I have a memory of something a friend told me. I can remember details like it was on a drive to my place to drop me of either after a trivia night at a bar or after the next time we saw each other. His vehicle was very open and stripped down, like a panel van or old Bronco. It was cold, not really much if any snow on the ground but were were in coats. I can’t remember exactly what he said or how it got brought up but I have always remembered the gist and it has been something so important and valuable to me.

I am not very good at trivia and my friend rocks at it. The night at the bar I remember feeling really small and useless. I don’t remember if he said something directly to me of if it was just his actions but my feet were taken out from under me. He wasn’t mean, but more careless and unthinking. I had resolved not to do another trivia night because it wasn’t fun and I was no good at it. When he was taking me home he told me that he had done it on purpose. He sometimes felt threatened by me and will go out of his way to cut me down in size so that he doesn’t feel so bad about himself.

I was stunned. As I thought about it, I was so incredibly pleased. He cared enough about me to be willing to tell me this thing that most people would consider dangerous to admit to someone. For me, it felt like a magic decoder ring. He gave me the power to see beyond his actions to what is going on with him and stop being affected. His actions weren’t personal, they were about him, not me. I was so grateful that he was willing to give me info that would take away one of the ways he had to protect himself. He saw it as just explaining why he had behaved poorly. It wasn’t an apology but he might have meant it to be as much of one that he could manage. I hadn’t labeled his behavior as bad, just that I had gotten hurt on some of his spikes and I needed to avoid those in the future. It was neat to find out those spikes weren’t always there and showed up because of me. That meant if they showed up again, I could avoid them and might even be able to do something to make them go away. I have felt like I am missing pages from my copy of the human operating manual and he allowed himself to be vulnerable and fill me in on some instructions. And I didn’t even ask him for it or create a safe place where he could tell me anything. I am guessing he felt he had been enough of an ass that I deserved at least an explanation. From my perspective, he acted the way almost everyone acts. Sometimes I get hurt, sometimes I don’t. I can’t tell the difference from their behavior.

I have always cherished this gift of his. He doesn’t see it as all that big of a deal. I wonder if he even remembers telling me. On the surface, he behaved like and ass and later owned up to it. A typical person might have been mad that he hurt them on purpose. For me in my wired backwards world, he behaved normally and then gave me a wonderful gift. The fact that he hurt me on purpose meant I had some ability to control how hurt I got. I could see that it was his thing and not take it on. I have used his gift over and over during the years and still am so grateful for it. I wish I could remember exactly what he said. I have taken it out and worked with it so many times that his words were lost long ago.

And no, I never went to another trivia night. They weren’t fun and I saw no reason to put myself in harms way. I never felt badly about it.

I was laying here thinking through an old memory from when I was about 25. I was going as deep as I could trying to remember everything about that moment while thinking out how I would write it up for a LJ post. It was another wired backwards thing.

When I opened my eyes, I was still on the edge of that time in my past. I was bored of lying around and was ready to put my groceries away. The groceries that had been de-thawing on the kitchen floor for the last 3 hours because putting them away was more than I could face when I got home. I was dreading dealing with sorting out where everything went and putting them there. Shopping had been at the top of my list every day since Sunday (4 days ago) so when I got to it today, I hit four stores, spent $120 and came home with three trips to the car worth of stuff. 7 or 8 bags I think. I really didn’t want to deal with them. I sat and ate dinner (which was one of the bags) and ate some new chocolate (never made it to a bag) because I was feeling alone and wanted to feel snuggly.

After opening my eyes and getting off the couch with my 25 year old self in my head, the feeling would start to slip away. I would close my eyes to preserve the feeling of being back then when I could and I also repeated stuff that I had been remembering from them. It worked long enough for me to get through all the groceries without me going buggy. The freezer was a piece of work. I am good at packing a freezer to capacity. I had it fully packed and then found something else that needed to go in. So I reworked it and then found something else I had forgotten. I even managed to do that. Nothing falls out when the door is open but it is pretty solid food and packaging in there.

The feeling wore off my the time I was done. I didn’t look at things that have been crutches for me lately, I just put them in the area they belong to find later when I need them. I am very proud that I fit 5 lbs of linguine in an Irish Cream Liqueur tin. That is feeling is from my past as well.

Now I am wired from the chocolate and the brief burst of activity. Looking at all the other things I could do, I have hit a wall and want to just flop in front of it and stop moving. It was really nice to visit how I used to be and be reminded that even though I have had to live with depressions in the past as well, I did have life in me and everything didn’t seem so hard and overwhelming. It gives me hope that I will come out the other end and be able to deal with day to day life again. Then I think about that and I feel hopeless that there is another end to come out of since I have been stuck here for years. I am 20 years older now. I feel like I if have it, then I should be able to bring it to my life now, when I need it. But back then, I just did. There was no work to it, it just was. Floating to the top, pushing me forward. I am concerned I broke that bit.

But it sure was nice to have a moment where it came to visit again. I can’t feel it now and can’t remember it directly, but I can remember remembering and appreciating it. I wrote this post to help with that.

I have been avoiding talking with my dad because it could be anywhere between no big deal to something really messing. I am in need of money and while I haven’t asked, I get the feeling he and I don’t agree on money like issues.

So here I am in a vulnerable position asking for help. I want exactly what I asked for. A lump sum of money. He starts charging to the rescue and wants to make thing happen for me. Which due to the way things are structure could make things a lot worse than they already are and make things harder for me to deal with. He is wanting to make things easier for me but is not checking in with me due to his own insecurities.

When he is feeling slighted or hurt, he retreats. When he helps he is there 120%. Having both of these going on at the same time is hard to deal with. And when you are up to your neck in other crisis and coming apart, it is really hard to manage.

Well the confrontation is done. It turned out to be on the low end of the scale and he is doing what I am asking him to do and seems to understand why this is the best way. There has been a huge build up of fear and anxiety over dealing with this. Now that it is over and no big deal and things are good, there should be a sense of relief. But my hands are shaking really hard and I don’t feel good. I think that is because I don’t feel seen and heard. I don’t think he realizes how hard it was to reach out and ask for help, how much I tried to take care of the problem he feels he got hurt feelings over, how much I am swallowing and keeping things one the surface so as to just deal with the immediate need, and how much it turns into him talking about his problems.

I am going through what feels like the worse crises of my life. This is all new areas for me and I am very scared and not used to dealing with feeling this scared. My old method of dealing with this is to get distracted and avoid and deny and I am trying to not do that. I realize that the crises is not relatively large. If it really was a Major crises, I might do better at dealing with it. It is these things that are under the wire of Major but big in terms of minor that seem to be my worst problems. One it croses into Major, it seems like some of my systems get disconnected and other usually non-active systems go online. Before that happens, I spend my time freaking out. Having others around to either hold space for me or help me focus help so much and sometimes seem to be the only way I can deal with stuff.

As I write this out, my hands are not shaking as much and I am getting more tired. Seems like a reasonable response. But I just got something else I don’t want to deal with tossed on my plate. Damn it, I want my sense of relief from getting through that icky confrontation situation I have been afraid of successfully. I sense of accomplishment is too much to ask for. (ooo look, the shaky hands are back, guess it is issue specific instead of general state of being).

Just keep moving, one step at a time, baby steps. Things will change over time. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. *le sigh*

I get annoyed with people that seem to post always happy things even when things are going badly for them. They appear to always look on the bright side. I feel like it draws more people to them and makes them more appealing to others. I resent that I am not that way. I get my dark moods and everything is crap and I feel untrue to myself if I pretend it isn’t crap to others. I feel like I will be creating a barrier that will keep me from connecting with others if I start pretending. I wish I could be one of those people that could always see and embrace the silver lining. But I am learning to live in the crap and be ok with that and that is where I am.

Then something big happens to me. This time around I fell and didn’t catch myself thereby using my face as my landing gear. Hurts like hell. Many times it feels like more than I can handle and I am surprised over and over by it not being as big a deal as I suspected it would be. As one friend pointed out, I look like I have survived a zombie attack.

As I get more of a handle on things, I find I am turning them into funny things. I left a message for a friend and later when she got back to me she asked if I was on drugs because I sounded so happy. When people would see me for the first time I strike a pose with a smile and ask “So, how do I look?” or “Don’t I look great?” I am working on a fun story to go with my face, like surviving a zombie attack, or losing a fight about gravity with the sidewalk, or having a new boyfriend.

When I broke my ankle/foot, it has a fabulous time. I was happy the entire month I had the cast. There were down times and miserable times but for the most part it was fun. I drew the bones on the outside of the cast and showed off the break. It is covered in signatures and stuff. Currently the cast is hanging on my wall as a reminder of how many friends I have.

When the chips are down, I am one of those annoying happy people. I will find a way to have fun with the crap in my life. The day to day stuff, it doesn’t make me happy. I want to get to a point where the day to day stuff doesn’t take me down/under. I do like what I do with the real emergencies/crap even if that behavior annoys me in others at other times. I am content with being a hypocrite on this issue.

Someone on fb made a statement that teachers paid plenty (based on the fact that some teachers are the highest paid in America) and we are not getting what we pay for (we pay taxes and the dropout rate is high and increasing). This hit a button of mine and I downloaded. Since I wrote so much, I figured it should be copied into my lj for a record.

Sorry, I don’t thing that “some of the highest paid” equals teachers not getting paid to little. Given what we expect of all teachers and the value they have in our society which sets education as a requirement for success, I think there are a lot of teachers that get paid too little for what they produce.

I think of the big reasons we don’t get what “we pay” for is the limitations we put on some of the good teachers. We expect no child left behind which means not being able to focus on the kids that are far ahead (so some drop out because school is too boring) and we mainstream problem students (behavior and learning problems) which cause the entire class to not advance well in learning. We teach to standardize tests instead actual learning. We are cutting back on education budgets so that we have larger teacher to student ratios which cause slowed learning and lack of supplies. There are a lot of cases where parents aren’t supporting teachers and making the teacher responsible fir Johny failing in school when Johny isn’t doing his homework and the teacher has done everything they can to engage the parents (I have actual evidence for this scenario multiple times over).

Yes, some teachers get paid well and may not be giving back the type of results desired. That would have to be looked at on a case by case basis. To average all results for all teachers and say we aren’t getting what we pay for and claiming their are getting paid plenty by looking at only a few is making a poor argument.

I would be interested in seeing how much money we are paying for teachers. Just because we pay taxes (and almost everyone thinks they pay too much in taxes), how much of that is really going to education for the results we are getting. I have a feeling there are a lot of other places that give a much poorer ROI than education.

A point that is under my skin lately is the true value of education. 60k is not a lot of money. I make that amount and all I do is push PowerPoint around and some graphics which is a hell of a lot easier than teaching. A teacher is responsible for the behavior and education of x students. To me this is a very valuable commodity in our society. But it is not valued as such. Football players, singers, actors, hedge fund CEOs, so many people that make things people like get paid multiples of a teacher’s salary and we don’t blink. For what a teacher is responsible for, the results of their effort and work, is not respected enough, IMHO, and they are not paid enough for what we are getting.

I know a few teachers that left the field because it wasn’t worth the pain and suffering. A lot of teachers don’t do it for the money. They do it for the love of teaching. The drop out rate hurts them as well. I bet a lot of them if not most of them would be interested in taking a salary bump in the form of funds to spend on supplies, support, equipment, experiments, some other way to help them achieve their own goals in teaching.

I also acknowledge there are teachers out there taking up space, doing just the minimum they need to in order to cash a paycheck or get their pension. I just think there are a lot more out there that are really invested in making things work. I don’t think throwing more money at our teachers is going to fix anything. If we are going to throw more money at the issue, I think there are a lot of places that money could give us better results because we are so deep in the hole already. Teachers are already willing to work for their too small pay. Give them what they need and can use to improve their results. The system is pretty messed up and needs work.

A lot of times I feel I can clearly see the point of views of both sides of an estranged couple and it is obvious why there is a problem. I may not agree with a point of view but I can see where they are coming from. I will try to explain to one side how the other side is not the way s/he is thinking they are, that they are making judgments and assumptions that are more based on his/er values rather than on the other person’s values and have it all wrong. In some cases it is like watching paint hit a wall and slide off of it without leaving a mark. It is soooo frustrating. I don’t mind if they don’t understand or agree with the other point of view. It is the unwavering attitude that they are right about the other person’s motivations and it can’t be otherwise. I would be happy with a “well, that doesn’t make sense to me but I will grant that I probably don’t know why they do what they do.” I would be tickled if I managed to get them to see how they could be projecting their own stuff onto the other. But nope, in these cases, it doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it or what evidence I bring to bare, s/he stays convinced that the actions of the other person is for certain motivations. I feel like banging my head against said wall because I can see how many more problems are going to arise out of this lack of empathy for both parties. I also feel my ability to communicate is failing.

My attitude is one of the main reasons they aren’t working as a couple is because they don’t understand where the other one is coming from.

What I wonder is those that seem to be able to hear the different point of view or at least consider that there is a different point of view that is just as valid even if it isn’t understandable, are they just humoring me so I will shut up about it? Or do they really get it?

Also, I wonder how I am when I am upset and angry at someone I cared about. Do I have the same sort of blind spot where I can’t allow another point of view to exist or give it any validity. I can see where it would be a survival mechanism. It would be very important during the heat of an argument but months and years later, it should be able to be released for your own sake, never mind the past other. How can you understand what really went on and how to grow from it if you don’t allow things to be different than your kneejerk reaction.

I think I have the ability to accept that others have valid points of view that aren’t mine when I am on the opposite side. It would be sad if it turns out that I am deluding myself and I am a wall that paint doesn’t stick to either.

Today I worked out how to start a blog on my portfolio website and deleted it learning it takes over the entire site. I have a support email in asking how to make it just one of my pages.

I have the blank house key cut as well as another house key that I have been keeping my eye out for years. After two locksmith failures on monday, this is sort of big. I still need to get gate keys made but I have a plan for that.

If I count staying up overnight and working on this this morning, then I also figured out how to create the tapered line I wanted for my Illustrator vines. It isn’t turning out to look like I wanted so it got put away to think on some more.

On Monday I did the basic construction of the charge station I have been planning. Today I hooked it up and am using it. It still needs either plastic grass, pebbles or felted wool pebbles (ideas I am working on) but it has reached a milestone.

I decided that I am tired of watching myself and stepping carefully and feeling tied up in knots. I am going back to my attitude that I don’t need to fix everything I can find out about myself all right now and people can just deal with me being me like they have to this point. And I found myself trying to work out apology/not apology but info swap communication standards with two separate people (maybe three if you count my mom and her Ahhhhh I don’t know what is up with you and I am sure you must hate me because you aren’t getting a hold of me question.) Guess that is just part of who I am right now and I am going to continue to work on it. But I think I will rest the mantle of babble and overly long story telling back on my shoulders and say tough it, you put up with me this long, you can last a while longer. And those that don’t like it shouldn’t be around me anyway.

I got out of the house and protein into me. On the down side, that was the last food I have eaten and I am long overdue for another meal. I was planning on pizza because I would actually eat it but managed to put it off until too late. I am slowly working my way back to the mid ground.

I took pictures of my key success. I have plans to take pictures of my charge station. I have plans on how to organize my Palace of Fine Arts photos before that fever wears off. I want to post in my new blog projects I get to milestones. I may take forever to finish something, or never finish it but I am actually doing things again and that is important to note.

I managed to get past the fighting of myself I have been doing and sent in the final of a freelance project I have been working on since Aug. I am soooo tired of this project. Next time (if they actually want there to be a next time) it will need to be structured as little bitty projects that wrap up, go away and come back with the next stage instead of this feeling of the endless return of the same thing with another level of futzing to be done and it goes away again.

I also took back the kitty supplies. It was planned for monday, then tue, then… and didn’t happen as I fell down the rabbit hole. It looks like I probably have agreed to take on two 6wk old kittens. The bathroom has been bleached and cleaned up. Clearing the way for the kittens should be a lot easier this time. I miss the responsibility and structure. But three weeks was reaching a limit. I will see how it goes this time. I am glad it is two so they can be rowdy with each other and leave my skin alone.

I still have serious stuff I have been avoiding but I am getting closer (I am choosing not to look at that stuff since it will really harsh my mellow). Considering that this morning I felt like a complete failure at everything, ending the day in the mode and mood I am in is a drastic improvement. Still feel like crap and still want to quit but I am a moving pile of crap instead of a lump of crap doing nothing but making myself more miserable by wallowing in my misery.

Probably pasta for food and hopefully sleep. Maybe I will help out the White Elephant sale tomorrow and pick up some frames. I am in a Maker mood. Although I think I fall under Crafter rather than Maker.

My Life:
I put mom on the plane last night. Emptiness ahead.
Morning: Call to get foster kitten, set up for afternoon.
Hour later: Call from a friend in need of ppt help (how can I resist) but I need to go to her cause she is in pain.
Later: Calll from agency about a job. Later client wants to meet today.
Argggg

Result:
Picking up kitten soon, driving to Dublin to help friend, job thing set for tomorrow (note: changed to today maybe even right now), maybe get help to clean apt tomorrow. Work prob Mon. Empty to overly full in 3 hours.
Arggg.

I try to ramp up slowly and ramp down slowly. But things seem to come together all at once. I am riding the waves of the Universe. I don’t think this drastic up and down is good for me. My normal operating procedure was full speed all the time. For the last couple of years I have learned what it is like to live at almost full stop. I used to stick my head out o my shell and gather too much at a time since that is what my skill was. I am focusing on trying to even it all out but the Universe seems to still be handing me full plates when it hands me plates. I don’t know how to moderate it.I even feel guilty taking the time to write this up.

I have been waiting for a foster kitten for two weeks and they were the first call this morning so I said yes. Then my friend called and she can’t make it to me (too much pain), she is in much need for what I am good at, people flake on her a lot so I find it that much more important to support her, and it isn’t that hard for me to get to her with what I have going on today so I say yes. Then I get the job call. I am not all that fond of the job possibility but beggars can’t be choosers and it isn’t bad, just not good so I say throw my hat into the ring. Well it turns out that the client wants to have candidates set up before tomorrow so they want to talk to me today (note: in person tomorrow turned into phone call today). Work is pretty much my top priority so I have to say yes. Everything is loaded onto today. The only thing that was my doing was cleaning the bathroom. I had been putting it off and had to do it right away for the kitten. Everything else was handed to me in an order that would get me to add it to my plate.

I know I have the possibility to say no but the only thing I want to say no to is the job thing and I am in no position to do that. The easiest thing to say no to would be the foster thing but I have worked to set up it up and after today it might be the only thing left. I could say no to my friend but she needs evidence that she deserves and can get supported when needed besides it is what I love to do. I can managed today without too much problem but it doesn’t help my focus of learning how to keep things in the middle ground between empty and full. It is my skill to handle multiple things piling on top of each other. Maybe writing this out is helping me see the parameters of my choices so I have more clear data for the next time the Universe hands me a plate and I can continue to work on finding the appropriate process. (I now am actually using this time to dwaddle to allow the work phone call to happen if it will happen right away instead of after 2).

And here I thought that today was going to end up being about catching up on tv shows I didn’t watch because I spent time with mom or recovering from time spent with mom.

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