I have a memory of something a friend told me. I can remember details like it was on a drive to my place to drop me of either after a trivia night at a bar or after the next time we saw each other. His vehicle was very open and stripped down, like a panel van or old Bronco. It was cold, not really much if any snow on the ground but were were in coats. I can’t remember exactly what he said or how it got brought up but I have always remembered the gist and it has been something so important and valuable to me.

I am not very good at trivia and my friend rocks at it. The night at the bar I remember feeling really small and useless. I don’t remember if he said something directly to me of if it was just his actions but my feet were taken out from under me. He wasn’t mean, but more careless and unthinking. I had resolved not to do another trivia night because it wasn’t fun and I was no good at it. When he was taking me home he told me that he had done it on purpose. He sometimes felt threatened by me and will go out of his way to cut me down in size so that he doesn’t feel so bad about himself.

I was stunned. As I thought about it, I was so incredibly pleased. He cared enough about me to be willing to tell me this thing that most people would consider dangerous to admit to someone. For me, it felt like a magic decoder ring. He gave me the power to see beyond his actions to what is going on with him and stop being affected. His actions weren’t personal, they were about him, not me. I was so grateful that he was willing to give me info that would take away one of the ways he had to protect himself. He saw it as just explaining why he had behaved poorly. It wasn’t an apology but he might have meant it to be as much of one that he could manage. I hadn’t labeled his behavior as bad, just that I had gotten hurt on some of his spikes and I needed to avoid those in the future. It was neat to find out those spikes weren’t always there and showed up because of me. That meant if they showed up again, I could avoid them and might even be able to do something to make them go away. I have felt like I am missing pages from my copy of the human operating manual and he allowed himself to be vulnerable and fill me in on some instructions. And I didn’t even ask him for it or create a safe place where he could tell me anything. I am guessing he felt he had been enough of an ass that I deserved at least an explanation. From my perspective, he acted the way almost everyone acts. Sometimes I get hurt, sometimes I don’t. I can’t tell the difference from their behavior.

I have always cherished this gift of his. He doesn’t see it as all that big of a deal. I wonder if he even remembers telling me. On the surface, he behaved like and ass and later owned up to it. A typical person might have been mad that he hurt them on purpose. For me in my wired backwards world, he behaved normally and then gave me a wonderful gift. The fact that he hurt me on purpose meant I had some ability to control how hurt I got. I could see that it was his thing and not take it on. I have used his gift over and over during the years and still am so grateful for it. I wish I could remember exactly what he said. I have taken it out and worked with it so many times that his words were lost long ago.

And no, I never went to another trivia night. They weren’t fun and I saw no reason to put myself in harms way. I never felt badly about it.