I was laying here thinking through an old memory from when I was about 25. I was going as deep as I could trying to remember everything about that moment while thinking out how I would write it up for a LJ post. It was another wired backwards thing.

When I opened my eyes, I was still on the edge of that time in my past. I was bored of lying around and was ready to put my groceries away. The groceries that had been de-thawing on the kitchen floor for the last 3 hours because putting them away was more than I could face when I got home. I was dreading dealing with sorting out where everything went and putting them there. Shopping had been at the top of my list every day since Sunday (4 days ago) so when I got to it today, I hit four stores, spent $120 and came home with three trips to the car worth of stuff. 7 or 8 bags I think. I really didn’t want to deal with them. I sat and ate dinner (which was one of the bags) and ate some new chocolate (never made it to a bag) because I was feeling alone and wanted to feel snuggly.

After opening my eyes and getting off the couch with my 25 year old self in my head, the feeling would start to slip away. I would close my eyes to preserve the feeling of being back then when I could and I also repeated stuff that I had been remembering from them. It worked long enough for me to get through all the groceries without me going buggy. The freezer was a piece of work. I am good at packing a freezer to capacity. I had it fully packed and then found something else that needed to go in. So I reworked it and then found something else I had forgotten. I even managed to do that. Nothing falls out when the door is open but it is pretty solid food and packaging in there.

The feeling wore off my the time I was done. I didn’t look at things that have been crutches for me lately, I just put them in the area they belong to find later when I need them. I am very proud that I fit 5 lbs of linguine in an Irish Cream Liqueur tin. That is feeling is from my past as well.

Now I am wired from the chocolate and the brief burst of activity. Looking at all the other things I could do, I have hit a wall and want to just flop in front of it and stop moving. It was really nice to visit how I used to be and be reminded that even though I have had to live with depressions in the past as well, I did have life in me and everything didn’t seem so hard and overwhelming. It gives me hope that I will come out the other end and be able to deal with day to day life again. Then I think about that and I feel hopeless that there is another end to come out of since I have been stuck here for years. I am 20 years older now. I feel like I if have it, then I should be able to bring it to my life now, when I need it. But back then, I just did. There was no work to it, it just was. Floating to the top, pushing me forward. I am concerned I broke that bit.

But it sure was nice to have a moment where it came to visit again. I can’t feel it now and can’t remember it directly, but I can remember remembering and appreciating it. I wrote this post to help with that.