When last we left our hero, she was running down from feeling like she could get things done. This was after sleeping off a sugar high with no other foods on that day. While typing the last entry, I had a hard time getting my hands to work right.

I had a handful of candy (mostly peanut butter cups) and felt ok. I actually wanted to eat real food. I then had a meatloaf and mash potatoes dinner with some fresh sugar peas. Felt ok but wanted more. I had a little bag of cheetoes and really wanted more of them but I know better. It left a taste in my mouth that I was getting tired of so I ate the rest of the bag of sugar peas (8 oz bag).

It has been a little bit and right now I really don’t feel good. I feel very toxic and all around bad. Head hurts when I think about it. Everything is effort. I stop noticing I am feeling bad if I can distract myself but then it shows up again.

While eating, I watched two episodes of Eureka and then did some online research for a new phone and a replacement TiVo. After that I hit the bathroom. When I came out, I did some work cleaning out the bag I took to Loscon and put it away. I then cleaned up around and under the bed. After that I dug around through the stuff on the bed and started to hang up clothes that were meant to go into the closet. That is when I started not feeling good. Like I need to stop what I am doing and lie down not feeling good. I was able to keep working on sorting and putting away stuff and distract myself over and over. I got a good dent accomplished.

Someone suggested taking the first step and the accomplishment from that first step will help motivate the second and so on. Nope. I get some done and mostly what I see is all the rest that needs to be done. I have to really shrink my focus to just what is in front of me and it needs to not affect anything else (that has to move so I can put this there). In a way, I created more of a mess out of part of my piles by cleaning up other piles.

I had the candy and felt fine for at least 3 hours later.
I had real food and felt fine for at least 3 hours later.
I had the cheetoes and the sugar peas (raw veggies) and felt fine for at least a little bit.
I dug around under a bed and kicked up a lot of dust and put things where they belong and I feel like crap.
The feeling matches being toxic after spending all day eating crap and watching tv (I did that enough as a kid to be really familiar with it).
The trigger seems to be dust/dirt or getting myself to clean up and put things away. It doesn’t feel like an allergy. I have been having issues with getting things done but they usually end up in anxiety attacks, not physical ick. Has my head given me toxic feelings because I don’t have access to anxiety at this moment? Or could it be a result of being active after not being active for so long? But when I show up at events, like Loscon, I don’t hurt when I start being active. I just wear out quickly or take a long time to recover(i.e. sleeping all the next day and being useless the day after that). I didn’t even feel like this at Dickens.

My logic is telling me it is related to the dust up or my mental reaction to putting things away. I am feeling a bit better lying here and not moving and not getting anything done. I did heat up when putting things away. Not so much that it would cause me to feel ick but it wasn’t helping either.

Thinking about dealing with crap that could easily send my mood into a dive also is spikes my ick. My current issue is my mom. Things could be ok or it could be all kinds of stuff I really don’t feel strong enough to deal with. Xmas didn’t feel like that big of a deal but the side effects sure seem to be lasting a long time. I am not bouncing back as quick as it felt like I should.

My attitude is still better than it has been the last two days. By a little bit and it feels very near the edge of going over. So I am not dealing with anyone. It would take so little, or to be blown off slightly to send me down that I am choosing not to risk it. I don’t feel like I have the strength of character to deal with the normal ups and downs of relating to other people. I am curious to see if I have any responses to things, any online interactions but I am not risking finding out at this time.

This is a snap shot of where I am right now. The clock says 7am but it is still dark like night outside. That seems wrong. I don’t expect it to be day but it should be somewhat light. Maybe it will be if I turn out my lights. I don’t feel good *whimper* (I don’t handle feeling crappy well, I tend to have a mantra of I don’t feel good over and over since there isn’t anything else I can do to feel good or distract myself from it.) *whimper.