I am in a pissy mood today. I was in a pissy mode yesterday. The hard part is I know it is all within me to change my mood and I try, it works for moments and then it goes away.

I know that talking with other people would help. I know that getting up and getting something done would help. I know getting out of the house would help. But right now I don’t like other people. I don’t want to get up or go out. I have strong feelings of motivation to curl up in a ball and hide.

Sad bit is there are people I probably would enjoy talking to. But they are the ones I need to wean myself off of because I like them a lot more than they like me. I probably like them as much as I do because of the difference in our mutual respect for each other. I am trying to recognize when I like people because they are unavailable and to appreciate those that are available more than I do. I am changing but sometimes it just doesn’t affect how I feel about people. But it has added in the layer of when I am talking to someone that is on my like a lot list, I now also have a running commentary wondering if they are just putting up with me or actually enjoying the connection and how long before they forget all about it.

It doesn’t feel worth it. But if I don’t reach out and connect, everything is worthless. And if someone reaches out to me, there is a good chance it will annoy me. I am also afraid of uncurling and reaching out in case it bombs and it feels even more worthless than it does now. Without trying it, there is still a little hope of it could be a good thing rather than proof that it isn’t.

I was able to go into xmas day without any of this crap and there ended up being a blow up. Most of the day was fine. Then I said something that pissed my mom off and she went into her mad mode and pushed me until I got defensive (I am proud to say I didn’t react that way but it took three pushes to get me there). After I felt the need to resort to being defensive and trying to be calm about it, pretty much all my patience was used up and I blew. I was really pissed and unhappy about having anything to do with her and with visiting and with the damn holiday. I wrote everything out (this is my current attempt to deal with emotions) for a half hour and then played solitaire and nonosweeper to delve into working only in a head space for another half hour. Then I spent another 2.5 hours with her behaving nicely. It was ok afterwards (more trial and error and practice) but the feeling after it all is that I wish hadn’t gone and I don’t have any good feelings about it at all. I feel like her reaction to this will be “why can’t you just take the good and leave the bad like I do.” Stuff it mom. I am not you, I don’t work like you and you ask me to help you because I work hard to understand how to translate between us and you find that I can explain things to you. I HATE how you are so good at grokking somethings between us and this lack of believing we are different in these areas and that is ok seeps in and you have no idea it is there.

Hmmm, I didn’t realize how much anger I have under the surface about yesterday. Add the negative side of me is pointing out that “see, it was a bad idea to go against your instints and agree to visit on xmas. don’t you feel stupid for looking forward to it?”

I really hate my life and I don’t know what to change it into. I feel like every path has negatives down it and it is safer to just curl up here. I know it isn’t bad, it is just my attitude and I don’t feel like I have the power to change it. I want it to be over and I am not allowed to end it.(I think I need to admit that I am sort of grateful that I don’t have to face that decision because it would probably be one more thing I would beat myself up over).

I feel very alone in all this and feel that I probably have chosen that route and that I should be able to have my anchors in-bedded in myself instead of others because others won’t be there for you. Only when you can stand on your own will others stand with you. You can’t count on others because they can’t always be there. They have their own lives/desires/needs. The more I have tried to find true connection instead of the surface connection with multitudes of people, the more I seem to have isolated myself.

I did have one moment of delight today. I sent a link to my dad of a gingerbread version of the spaceship Serenity. He responded that he isn’t going to send my bother the link but will probably make one and send it to him for his birthday. He is currently working out how to use candy sticks and gumdrops to build his grandson a geodesic dome for his birthday in Feb.

The story as to why this delights me:
My dad and I were talking a couple days ago about his thing he does with the grandkids building gingerbread structures. First year it was a house, then a train. This year he didn’t get to see them so he built them a gingerbread geodesic dome (something he is working on elsewhere). He used straws and wire to build the dome and then covered it with gingerbread triangles and frosting for glue. I suggested that he use candy canes instead of straws so the entire thing is candy (that is the kids favorite part of course). He said he didn’t know how to get the candy to stick in the formation needed for the dome (3, 4, 5, or 6 pieces coming together at a point). I suggested candy sticks and gumdrops or gummy things.

My dad also has a big thing about me and my bother agreeing on something because we would take opposite sides of issues and fight when we were kids. Dad would set it up that we would have to agree in order for something to happen (like agree on what to get for a picnic so we could eat lunch). Disagreeing seemed more important to us then working the system and agreeing to what the other wanted so they would agree to what we want (gee, we sound like congress). Well, my brother and I both love Firefly. We had no idea until after Serenity came out on DVD (probably a good thing we were clueless so as not to affect how we really felt about the show).

My dad taking the ideas I gave him and incorporating them into what he is doing delights me tremendously. More than any present that he has ever given me (I evaluated that as I was experiencing the feelings, he has given me some real great gifts and some real losers). I love being able to add something that comes from inside of me to someone else’s idea and make their thing into something they love even more. It sort of sounds like it is about my ego and getting my stink on their project but I don’t feel it is. I love being able to add something that adds to them being more them and adding to there interest in it. It is sort of like being able to take something of mine and have it turned into something of theirs that adds to their pile and makes it bigger. I fell good that their pile is bigger and is more about them. This is why I tend to not like my name attached to the things I give away. I don’t need the credit for my ideas. I just love to see them when they come out. And they can be twisted about by input and ideas from others and it makes me happy. If my idea was something others could build on, it makes me so very happy to have been able to put it out there so they could build and that they liked it enough to build on it. It means I did something right, that I hit a sweet spot and added to the life of others.

I am not looking at my email because I expect my dad has replied and it will burst my bubble. He doesn’t know how to respond in a way that is good when I am in a sensitive spot. I am so thrilled about him taking my idea, I am ready to hunt down pictures of Serenity and blueprints to send him to assist in building the ship. I also came across a 5lb gummy bear link that I had thought to send him. I doubt if gumdrops will be big enough for his purposes and the ridiculously huge would be funny and could possibly be a source for gummy connectors. I am not really interested in building gingerbread things (other than I want to eat some fresh gingerbread and I can’t find any to buy) but it is something my dad is into and I can use what I have available to me to make his thing happen more.

I don’t think we have a good name for it name for it but some of my friends are very familiar with this thing of mine. An idea will come up and I will say something. A lot of times what I say is either stupid or just funny or whatever. Every now and then what I say will ring a bell in someone’s head and turn their idea into something really really cool. And they get excited about it. I will use what is available to me (and I have lots of connections, links, info and stuff because that is what I collect for my own use) and add to their idea. They only keep what they think works and the rest falls to the wayside. I am grateful for that because I don’t want my stink on it. I don’t want it to be about me. I want their idea to grow. I like being a part of their idea and helping it to grow. I like being the water and fertilizer. That isn’t included in the final flower but it helps the flower grow big, strong, and beautiful.

Hmmm, I am not sure but I think the biggest projects I have been a part of either creating or just helping with have not been things that I really am interested in. They weren’t my things, just things that got to be important to me after someone else thought they were good. I think the things that are mine, based off of my ideas, and powered by me are things that are just for me, no one else is involved. But that may be part of the definition of them being mine vs someone else’s.

I am sure there is more thought to be had but I am tired and I don’t want to look at where my idea about good things has holes in it. I wouldn’t be nice to myself with that information.