A couple of days ago I hit a bad spot where my head started to try to convince me that no body liked me and that no one cared. I know that isn’t true, intellectually but emotionally I could find “proof” all over the place. I have avoided facebook because there is just loads of “proof” there of people not paying any attention to me or the only ones that do comment are ones that don’t know me well. The later feeds into my complex that as people get to know me better they stop being as interested in me and go away. I know this isn’t true. I know why it seems to look that way and am aware of my part of setting up that particular situation but when you are emotionally hurting, reason and rational thought don’t matter. Only what is perceived by what is already a loaded deck is what matters. So I opted out of giving myself the opportunity to make a case for the negative side of things.

I am better understanding the mechanics behind the concept of your thoughts dictate your attitude and you have control over your thoughts. Yes, this is true. But when you are depressed or having some big negatives pressing on you, it gets tiring watching what you are thinking and continuing to constantly pull your thoughts back from the dark side. And you can’t think deeply either. Putting real thought into something means wandering inside the dark areas and it is so easy to get caught and you lose all the traction you have built keeping your thoughts in the light areas. So my life the last couple of days have been full of light happy things that skitter on the surface and I can’t talk about the dark because it takes my legs out from under me.

I have found than when I do start talking about the dark and how hard things are going, I can start to sweat. I was telling a friend how things were really going and the room got a lot hotter and I went from being perfectly ok (San Jose at 1am) to needing to keep wiping my face and having drips down my back. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal and then I realized that I must be working hard to overcome whatever mental stuff I have going on. I think this is the same reason I overheat and sweat walking three blocks to the library to start work on stuff and it takes me half an hour to stop feeling horrible and another 15 minutes before I can stop using my hand fan. Walking back many many hours later seemed fine. Just a physical symptom of whatever I am fighting with inside my noggin.

I know my life is mostly good, in some ways it is great, in other ways not so much. But I hate it. My attitude has always been if you don’t like your life, change it. We all have the power to change our lives to work better for ourselves. But I have no idea what could be changed to make things better. I believe that it is me that needs to change. I am still working on fixing myself and it is still a long road ahead.

I did managed to make it out of the house this weekend. I visited some surface level friends I really like and a relatively good friend I can trust on Sat. On Sunday I met a guy I had met on OKcupid and that was interesting. I think I found another variation of a 5. Imagine that. He seems to focus on not so much the intellectual head knowledge/learning but on practical things, like fixing walls when you break them, driving forklifts, building things. Lots of knowledge, just in a different way of learning it than I am used to. I am used to school learning and thinking on theory. He is more of a does type of guy. No idea how it went. I didn’t get a feeling that he was all that interested other than we had a good time talking. But if I am right and he is a 5, then he will need to review his recordings of the experience before he knows how he felt about it. I dislike not having the immediate feedback but this is how some people work. Having yet another 5 in my life to end up overwhelming and having them run away is not that great of a thing, but I am not going to shut down possibilities for that reason. It is a risk, a higher one than I am used to taking, but I could be wrong and I could learn something. There are always lessons to be learned.

I think I still feel somewhat crappy if I lift up the edge of the carpet where I swept everything but on the surface I seem to be doing ok. I am trying to keep it there until the lump under the carpet deflates somewhat and it is safer to prod those areas again. The extremists need to leave the building.

I wanted to post something to facebook saying I was staying away but that would require logging into facebook and seeing how many comments/messages there were or weren’t for me. Livejournal can be done and walked away from without needing to be exposed to other people living their lives without me. I can still be reached through normal channels but I am not tuned into the broadcast channels. Sadly, there are some people I would like to be aware of this info that don’t read LJ. I honestly don’t know if anyone cares that I am not on facebook right now other than in a general concept. One side of me says nobody cares at all (which I know is too far one direction) and the other side says that it would be in good form to let people know that I am not following standard patterns (which could be too far the other direction). I don’t know if it would be a good idea or not for someone who reads my lj and overlaps with friend of mine on fb to post something or if that is just a waste of time/effort and might even be more “proof” that it doesn’t matter if/when I go back to it and there are crickets about me being gone. Can’t ask for it, even worried about putting the idea out there. But hey, I thought of it so there it is.

I am making a point of telling someone things that have the label/reaction of “I don’t wanna tell”