I have three things I plan to focus working on:

Learning/creating a near boundary so that I can deal with having people closer to me. I want to get away from always being drawn to really busy people, people with too many friends, and people that are emotionally unavailable. I want to be able to appreciate people that come to me instead of running away scared of not being in control of the interactions.

Learning to be ok with being uncomfortable. Right now, if I don’t feel good or if I am uncomfortable, I do whatever I can to change that situation for the better. It doesn’t feel safe to stay uncomfortable. I need to be able to be all right with being uncomfortable or feeling poorly because there are things I need to learn that require going through that process. I believe I need to practice being uncomfortable in a safe setting to get used to it.

I need baby steps for adding movement into my life. There is the typical “I don’t want to exercise and I have to force myself to do it” with added ingredients of “I hate being in my body normally, exercise is much worse,” and “I have trouble with heat to the point of panic and when I exercise, I over heat,” and (there is a third one that came up but I can’t remember it now). It has created a wall that makes it especially hard to face adding exercise to my life. I have all the rational reasons why it is good for me and will make me feel better but I think my emotional self (which can’t communicate in words) thinks I am trying to do damage to myself when I push to get some exercise in. So I need baby steps to add at least something and feel ok about it.

This is the current stage of my Work that I am at. I feel like I need it all done now. I have already been in this funk for 2 years, when will it ever be worth the work going into it? I feel like I am a pre-IPO. There is all this development where resources are being used up and not replaced in the hopes that a point will be reached when the outgoing resources will be balanced by the incoming resources and the system will be self sustaining. And then there is the potential for the incoming to be much more than any outgoing. I would like to get to the self sustaining part.