Wed Sparrow came over and helped me do my laundry. Things that have been on the floor for over a year are not clean.

Over the day, I got to see how I handle things. I would start to get ansty and have a hard time breathing/thinking/moving. I know, if I was alone, to avoid getting to this point, I would have crawled into bed and dug up the computer or turned on the TV or pulled out a book. Anything to divert my attention and remain calm-ish. Because I had someone else here to catch me if things got out of hand, I would start breathing deep and focus on being calm and just getting through it without collapsing. Sparrow told me she could see me physically pull my self back down.

I don’t seem to be able to do that pulling down when I am alone. The fear is too great. I think what I am afraid of is a cascade. That if I stay with the feeling and work to calm it down, it could trigger a cascade where things get worse and then worse and then worse. When others are around it feels like I have something I can use as balance. Like when I am unstable and I reach out and touch the wall.I don’t need the wall to hold you up, I just need it for a point of reference. After I have that contact, I can take care of myself.

When I am alone, I start to panic. It feels like there are no walls around me for reference and the ground is tilting and I will fall and when that happens there is no bottom. This is terrifying so the best way to deal, the only way I know how to deal when I am alone is to not get into that position.

I have found that I am either full of lots of energy or I am collapsed. I am working on the middle ground but it is a long process. To avoid getting into that terrifying position of panic, I collapse before I get there. This is why I end up sleeping and hiding at home. Sometimes the terrifying point is getting dressed and ready to leave the house. For the most point, I have avoided that position. It was working with Sparrow and needing to pull myself back from going over the edge numerous times that illustrated what has been scaring me. I feel it is like being afraid of monsters in the closet without knowing you believe in monsters and thinking your closet is only a place for clothes.

Learning something new all the time.

Laundry and errands took up all of Wed. The clothes still need to be put away. That is one of the things Thursday was for. I found I couldn’t get out of bed. And it wasn’t even just thinking of the clothes and what needed to be done. I was wiped and wanted to hide. I think if I had someone over, it would have been fine but I couldn’t even work on getting someone over. Between Wed night and Thursday night, I watched 10.5 hours of shows from my TiVo. There was also sleeping and reading and fighting with the modem. About 7pm, I managed to cover my body enough to get over to the library and check my internet life. I was amazed that I was able to get moving because it was such a long haul all day. I ate leftovers from Wed, which I am very grateful for. I am not sure what I would have eaten if they weren’t there.

Still trying to figure out what to learn out of this beyond a down day follows a big day.

Today was a little bit of a hard started. Dorothy called and needs stuff from me and that motivated me to move. I called tech support for my modem and am not attached to the internet again. I have showered and started to collect witch dr stuff and zombie make up and dress clothes. I paused to write this out before I blow it off and never get around to it.

I was feeling itchy after being set to my tasks by Dorothy. I could feel the panic coming on. I plugged in music and it seems to keep things calmed a little. Sort of like creating interference so that a pattern lock can’t be established. Talking to people does that really well for me.

Now on to continuing to get ready and maybe food.