I really dislike it when I do everything correctly and I still crash. I don’t have any reason to feel this crappy today. I ate/drank my breakfast, I had a hamburger and fries at 1pm. I sat in a court room (I was supporting a friend) from 2-5. I had a dried fruit snack after getting out of court. On the way home I stopped at Grocery Outlet and did some shopping. While shopping I really started feeling crappy. I was overheating and starting to sweat. While waiting in line, I started to get confused if I was hot or cold. I felt somewhat nauseous and really had to focus on “I feel fine” to finish shopping. All I wanted to do when I got home was lay down.

When I got home, I peeled out of my clothes because I was so hot. The internal temp at home was 68 degrees F according to my thermometer. I ate a fudgesicle to cool off and focus on something other than how I felt. I read for a little bit and then just wanted to zone out. A little while later, I got cold and pulled a blanket over me. Now everything feels cool.

The back of my neck is tense. I have a feeling this is where the problem lies. I have been skirting a headache for days and I am sure the tension in my neck is the source for that symptom. I am pretty sure I am clenching my teeth.

After resting for two hours, I am feeling better enough to consider eating but am still a little sensitive to light. This sort of stuff is normal for when I abuse my body by pushing it hard at a con or by not eating. I really hate to think I hurt like this because I got up at 11am and spent the afternoon hanging out in a courtroom. I listened and learned what other people’s lives were like, I worked on ideas for my portfolio and read my book. It was warm when we started but by the end it was fine. (The judge did note during his opening statements that he hadn’t seen a fan in a long time and it looked very Victorian. I wasn’t trying to be noticed, I just carry a small hand fan with me when I don’t know what type of environment I will be stuck in.)

It could be a food issue, I haven’t had the greatest of food intake but I have had just as bad or worse many times before and it didn’t go this way.

It could be the neck tension. I am trying to relax and let it loose. There isn’t much I can do about my stress, it is at a normal level. Not much is going on, I am pushing myself to move in a better direction, I have a hard time finding ways to get myself up and out of the house, I sleep too much.

It could be the heat. It was warmer today and I was in Marin. But it hasn’t been that much warmer and it is no where near as bad as it will get.

It could be my environment. The courtroom seemed to be ok and the grocery store seemed to be ok. It is very sad if this is the source because it means I am getting more fragile.

I am already feeling badly about what type of work I am looking for. Some of the people today made $80 in a week, stand on a street corner looking for manual labor work, tried retail and fast food locations with no luck. I noticed that KFC is hiring and I imagined working in that greasy smell again for a very low wage and I am not sure I could. I have gotten soft with a 9-5 office job where I sit all day.

For the record, my eyes have been bad lately. It seems I am constantly needing to readjust for not being able to see clearly because things are blurry due to the movement or because they don’t want to focus. It isn’t too much trouble for large object but things like text is a little harder. It is sort of funny (ironic?) that my main skill set is using a computer to do graphic arts and I need to be able to manipulate details.

Some of this is to just whine, some is to record, some of this is because it is really bothering me that I don’t feel good and I don’t have a reason/source. I handle things so much better when I know where they are coming from.