I feel completely worn out. I have been running full tilt Mon Tue and Wed. All this after weeks of high drama and pushing myself to be my best self. I was suppose to work either today or tomorrow so I was shoehorning into the other day what I could of this weeks plans and not making any new plans.

Well, work canceled out so now I am facing a completely free day today and tomorrow. I think this weekend is clear as is all of next week other than my weekly appt. I am standing at the beginning of a huge empty space after having everything crunched into such a tight space there was no room for things I wanted and no room to make plans to fill the empty spaces ahead of me.

I have been trying to help a friend of mine with some accounting stuff. I have wanted to do it because it was work that I felt I could do easily, help him out of a crunch which would make me feel good and might even make the stuff I have that is similar easier for me to face. But I think he is hiding from it which means I am having it taken away from me too. This hurts. It is so much easier for me to care and to do other people’s work rather than my own. I invest in it so it is hard when it is taken away from me without involving me. What makes it easier for me to tackle is also what makes me so vulnerable to it. C’est La Gina.

I really wanted to keep up the regular schedule that the last few days have pushed on me. Things were getting better for me. But here it is, almost 3pm, and I still haven’t gotten up. I have been fighting to stay awake and not just drop off to sleep again which deep in my bones I want to do.

I have watched TV, I have read some of my book. I have downed a hearty juice drink and eaten a tub of pasta noodles. Every thought towards eating involves “making” food and that feels too big. I don’t have any motivation to actually do something physical and that is just what I need to get me out of the zone where sleep can just steal over me and take me back under. This is why I make plans with people. That seems to be able to override this ability of mine to draw myself back to sleep for massive portions of the day.

I have a hard time going to sleep but if I have been asleep, usually it is easy to drift back into it. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how long I have been awake, a few minutes, a few hours. Doing something really awake, maybe something physical, something where I am interacting with the outside, something that sparks stuff inside of me (which is what having other people around does) is what assures me being awake. And then I get to face the other end when it is time to go to sleep and that spark needs to be dampened. I haven’t figured out how to make that easier.

Currently I find I would rather be asleep than awake. I can’t think of a time when that wasn’t true but it is really easy for me not to see things from other time periods in my life right now so I don’t know if this has been different outside of the last couple of years or not. The main reason I don’t sleep all the time is that I feel so ill when I have slept a lot and then am awake. Right now I feel like crap and I know I need to get up and move around and get out of the house and I really don’t want to. My body is telling me that I will feel better if I go back to sleep. And I will, until I wake up that is.

Enthusiasm is the only thing I know that overcomes my typical lack of motivation for me to get myself moving. This is why I set myself up using other people and tying myself to plans outside of myself. I can dismantle anything I create where I am the only stakeholder. If I am excited by it, then I sometimes can avoid taking my plans apart.

I need to get out of here and move.

I have been on the move for days. By stopping all of a sudden, I fall down and hurt. I would rather slow down in a controlled way, but right now I don’t feel I have that choice.

This is just another day in the life of The Gina.