I am feeling more and more defensive and like I need to protect myself and really there isn’t a reason. Just as I sit and think the more it moves in like a fog and takes over my attitude and my brain.

My head is starting to hurt, the eyes are doing the on/off again dizzys, the neighbor is playing annoying music. I have screwed up my sleep schedule and I think it is catching up to me. I probably need to eat but I don’t know what. I don’t want what I have in the house, green bean chicken or chicken chow fun sound almost good but require me to spend money I “shouldn’t” and to get dressed to go outside. I have a hankering for Chevys sweet corn tamolito but I don’t want to go alone. Olive Garden has been on my list of places I want to hit but it is so North and another no one to go with. And of course there is the money “shouldn’t” issue.

I have been avoiding dealing with the family gathering. My brother is graduating with his PhD (he gets a lot more letters after his name than I do) Dec 19th. My dad is getting a condo in Pinetop AZ for the week before and I am invited. My brother told me that my dad mentioned that he wasn’t going to pay for everything (such great communication we have in our family). I have looked at the train schedules and found some that will work but are in the order of $400+ round trip. Which is fine if my dad is willing to pay for it, but not if he isn’t. Give how we last left each other, I have some sore spots related to him. And this is probably the root of my current state of ick. Options I thought I had are not working out like I thought they would and things are a lot less than optimal. I have been putting off dealing with this because I didn’t want to put the energy into it and to make things work will require yet more energy.

Some of my EEEEvil plans look like they will turn belly up. On one hand, Yay! less volunteering. On the other it is frustrating to plot and plan in your head and find out the landscape doesn’t match the map you have. And they were neat ideas as well.

I have thrown a lot of lines out there for contact with people and while I have gotten some tugs in response, there is silence from other quarters. And some of those need to connect so I can have the layout and maps for other ideas I have in staging. So I might have to throw some of those ideas away as well. A few of them don’t have backup plans.

Other things are up in the air. I feel like I have put energy into a lines of dominoes and I have a few choice spot where there is suppose to be connections that will let everything fall into place and those connections aren’t working out smoothly. It feels like I am going to have to punt and just work on each line individually and that not only feels like a waste but it feels like more energy than I can put together to get the different lines.

My groceries are still left out from yesterday. Frozen food and fridge food too. It is cold enough in here to not mind the fridge food (it isn’t like it is milk or anything) and the frozen food has been dubbed fridge food by me and ignored.

Instead of things flowing freely in that magic way I have, it is starting to feel like I am pushing uphill and against resistance. And I just want to quit. Quit everything. Just hide under the covers some more but I know it will make me feel worse.

I think this is the after affects of all the stuff that has come up and flowed out of me the last few days. There isn’t anymore of the concentrated good stuff so the crap is getting sucked up and out too.

I took some pain meds to try and stave off the headache before it takes over my entire head. I am pissy that it has been 10 minutes and it doesn’t seem to have done anything. I think if things aren’t exactly as I want them, I am going to be pissy about it. Which is not very useful.

Because my brother’s graduation is so close to Xmas, it is causing trouble with transportation. I would happily travel on the 24th but that would leave me at my brother’s for 6 days and there isn’t a room for me. My mom comes to town Dec 29th and I have to deal with that as well. These things are making me feel crunched for time to get things planned and put into play. I am beginning to feel like I am going to just say F^$k it and blow it off.

I HATE THE F#*(%$*%$# HOLIDAYS! I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM. I can’t even ignore them unless I crawl into a cave and pull a rock to black the entrance.

(hmmm, I didn’t start this post that bad off. I hadn’t realized my dislike for the holiday’s affect on the world around me had been building out of sight. Guess it is about time it showed up.)