Slept from 2am to 9am, got up at 10am for a 10am appointment. Ran out the door with shake in hand.

It was a big pull-it-all-together day in therapy. It looks like the 24 hours down on Sat was needed to process things that had been kicked up. The very detailed dream I had from about 9:45am to 10am as I fought to wake up and confirm that my appointment was at 10 seemed to be a story that provided a framework for understanding the different parts I am playing in my own process. We were able to define the roles of Guardian, growing young boy, younger sister and basketball hero. We didn’t managed to get the social worker fully defined.

Story (short version)
I am responsible for two children that had to grow up quickly in their life before me. The social worker was concerned that both kids were involved in activities that were beyond their years. This was based on typical kids and not adjusted for these kids individually. Years earlier, the boy had run into a basketball star that was his hero. The social worker talked to the star about how basketball took time away from the child’s studies and that he needed to play it less. The star suggested that if the boy could learn another language while playing basketball, then that would show that he could handle both studying and playing and should be allowed to. (The suggested language was one with a backwards consonant structure, I have no idea what that means). The basketball hero knows 4 languages fluently and has a full degree as well as being a basketball star so the social worker really listened. Before this the boy spoke with more of a street accent.

Now the boy wanted to go exploring for days, pushing the envelope of his world. He wasn’t ready yet but had lots of youthful energy that was ready to do it with permission or not. I pointed out how eloquently he spoke now and how he used to speak before following through on his hero’s advice. The reply was that he was young and foolish then. (He had a friend with him that was in the same position and in my view more in the background but would profit from the same advice and doing it with the boy.) I told him he was still young and foolish but at a completely new level and ready for the next step. If he approached this new step like he approached the previous one, then he would be able to accomplish this one with as much success as before. There wasn’t something set to learn like a language, he would have to create his own lesson plans which would be based on what exactly he wanted. I would be there to offer suggestions and options on where to look and what to look for when he wanted it. I could help provide milestones and some structure to the process and let him know when he had enough to move forward on.

The steps he needed to do were:

• Figure out what it is he wanted to do, get at least a vague idea of the direction he wanted to go, what need/desire was to be met by what he wants to do, what he wanted to accomplish. Set a goal.
• Start thinking on what he would need to fulfill/meet this goal.
• Work out how to gather the information/skills/materials needed to get to the goal.
• Periodically redefine the goal because as he learned more, the destination should become clearer and the process needed to get there could become more refinded (this is not quite the right word).

My job as his guardian was to present to him different options for him to try out and see how well they fit what he was looking for and help him define what worked, what didn’t work and what was missing or needed. I was a sort of guide. I was also there to support him and take care of him as he went through this process.

Since his sister would want to do whatever he does but wasn’t ready for the same step as him, we needed to come up with something for her to be interested in that she wouldn’t want to give up to follow him in his work. She could study with him if she wanted to but she needed a focus that was appropriate for her level of development to distract her.

The social worker approved of this process and was happy to leave it in my hands and would check in with us to be sure things were working the way we thought it would. She would step in as needed if not. She didn’t know what was best for the two children and didn’t have the time to learn them as individuals (she had other charges and other responsibilities) but would listen and see for herself rather than follow the rules in the book based on “typical” children. We were very lucky to have her.

What it all means
Since everyone in a dream is a part of yourself, here are the roles as my therapist and I figured them out.

Guardian: The inner Knower deep inside me, the one that can pull off the magic that makes things work when the odds are stacked against me. This is the sub-conscience working its way to the surface. It is the part of me that gave me the dream. This is the one that gives or works out the structure for goals/steps. Classes and teachers are elsewhere. It also knows how to deal with the frustration that will appear in the boy when he wants to just go and only sees classes ahead of him. This is my Advice Lady. My therapists are ones that support this part of me and provide mirrors so I can talk to myself.

Young Boy: My essential self. The part of me that is pushing to move forward with all this work I have been doing on myself. The part of me that is growing and changing. It is the one that is having growing pains that I am fighting with. The biggest part of me.

Younger Sister: The late developing, hypo part of me. The part that isn’t ready yet, that desperately wants to be taken care of. She is not ready for this step but will learn by being in contact with her brother. He will be a good role model for her for when she is ready for her step which will be completely different. When it is time her step will probably be much more subliminal and subtle.

Basketball Hero: He is a symbol of a focus on the physical side without losing anything of the intellectual side. This represents my hard work on bringing more awareness to my body rather than running away in my head, my willingness to be present and feel my emotions/feelings and sensations. My intellectual level matches the Hero’s physical level. I am working on bringing my physical level up to his intellectual level. He is a star to reach towards that provides direction and focus.

After therapy
After therapy, I went grocery/gift shopping. I had lots of ideas and things running in my head. I got the bags inside and set down on the kitchen floor. I was so cold deep down. I had been cold from before I woke up. I had been doing the drugged sleep thing where I sweat and wake up freezing because I am wet. I had gotten a little warmer in the 4 hours I had been out and about (and the world had gotten warmer) but when I got home, I was freezing again. So I buried myself under a pile of covers until I felt like the inner core was warm again. I could handle surface cold if my insides would warm up. So far I only had some surface warmth and I needed more. Well, I feel asleep, imagine that. I feel asleep so hard that I have no recollection of the phone ringing just a couple of hours later and it is 5′ from my head. I started fighting my way out of sleep at midnight finally making it around 3am. I knew I needed food but couldn’t conceive of prepping anything. I managed to figure out something that would get me started and would be easy and ok to eat at this time. Avocado, dressing, vienna sausage and apple sauce. Not the greatest of meals but protein, fat, and fruit. After this settles I can eat something real.

I feel like crap, exhausted with over sleep. While I was in a drowsy mode, there is a list of a bunch of things I want to actually do. Even thinking about them right now makes me feel sick. I don’t feel like I have the strength or motivation to follow through on any of it. And no patience for anything that doesn’t work exactly right (I tried installing a set of remote headphones and it didn’t work). The grocery bags are still on the kitchen floor. It is too much effort to figure out what I should be doing about what has thawed. Anything that can follow an autopilot could be handled but anything that requires me to make a decision is right out. I am tired.

I looks like I really needed the down time to process everything I had kicked up. Yesterday was an outing and some social contact and was a good regular day. I also got a lot of info gathering for some ideas of mine accomplished.

Where all this might have come from
Some of this stuff could have gotten kicked up due to the discussion/argument/shit storm Friday morning. And/or it could be due to the flood of emotions moving through the system as a result of Alex’s passing that either flushed out a block in the system, or cleaned up a backlog of emotional processing, or just flat out wore me out so that I couldn’t block the incoming data. There is also the smoothness that I felt in handling the Loscon roulette wheel and the connection I felt with my people there. I think this was supportive. There was the stress of the program book before that which I handled really well, a lot better than I thought possible. And there is the issue I had in visiting my dad and getting a kick in the belly with that one (which is one of the reasons I think I was able to handle the program book so well, a lot of me showed up due to the drop kick I hand experienced).

Looking back, the past month has had a lot packed into it. I know that before all this, I felt the need for nourishment, to be taken care of. I still want to be taken care of but I feel like I am more capable of taking care of myself. Or really more able to find/provide my own nourishment rather than require it to be given to me by someone else. It doesn’t feel as satisfying but I know it is better for me in the long run.

The process of processing and describing
I gotta say, thinking these things out in a drowsy state is sooo much easier than it is to describe them when awake, harder is to write them out for myself and hardest yet is to write them out so that others can understand what I have as a clear idea in my head. Words are such a pain and spelling is so frustrating to the process. It sucks that I can’t write or type as fast as I can think. I am positive that everything is eloquently described when I first go through the process of thinking them into LJ post speak but when it comes time to put pen to paper / cursor to screen, I keep getting snagged on what exactly is the right word to describe this thingy and the structure of spelling the word. It keeps bring me to a complete stop and I lose what I had all laid out in my head. There is so much going back over the same line again and again, no wonder I hate to put it aside and re-read and edit later. I am already tired of it when I finished writing it the first time. I can really see the line between right brain process and left brain process at this time. Wow. I think of myself as enjoying the left brain process but right now I am so frustrated with it. I have to close my eyes to just type out what I am thinking to keep it out of they way.

Grrr bark arg.