New record. 24 hours down. Went to bed at midnight. Woke up in the morning, drank a shake, watched an hour of tv, rolled over and slept some more. Back awake at 1am a day later. There was no Saturday in my timeline. Down to one meal in a day.
It will be really nice when this phase is over. I wonder what the next one will be.
“It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams.”
Fireflies – Owl City.
*blinks* That’s kind of alarming, actually.
–Ember–
Thanks for noticing. That actually makes me feel a little better.
I think part of me wants people to see how screwed up I am getting and get worried. That is the part that wants someone to come in and save the day.
Another part of me knows that no one else can save my day and I wouldn’t put up with someone else’s idea of what I should do. This means I have to figure it out for myself.
What I really want is the smack upside the head to shock things back into place so I would be functional again. I have a theory that this self destructive behavior is the end result of some stuff I am doing that will lead to a much better balance. I just don’t know how long it will take or what crap I will be doing in the meantime.
I know I will take care of myself. I don’t know how but I have no real doubt. Which means it I am going to hurt myself somehow, I will have to break part of me to do it.
Blah blah blah.
Overly obvious question – do you have a “tour guide”. i.e. Do you have a therapist for this? Someone specific and professional to at least monitor the changes and your functionality level, so it’s not left to the nebulous social “them”?
–Ember–
I have two therapists at $150 a shot (I see each every other week, I pay more for the rent on my head than I do on my abode).
I have a psychiatrist, the drug dispensing head doctor at Kaiser that I am trying to find a replacement for. He pretty much does whatever I tell him to do.
Other than that, it is me poking sticks at me. Which I have done all my life. I have a pretty good framework for why I am going through what I am and a framework for where I am going. The stuff between point A and point B is unmapped territory. And the only time I can investigate it is one hour a week. Too dangerous otherwise.
Does that answer your questions?
(BTW thanks for asking them.)
Hm, yes. Further nosy questions:
Do your two therapists communicate with eachother, such that they’d catch a pattern that only shows up as a problem when the two data sets are combined?
I guess I’m wondering why you have two? But if they meet different needs, and are communicating with eachother so that any problems can be caught that might not otherwise, I guess it’s not problematic.
It’s too dangerous to map the territory between any more often than once a week? Because you’d become too non-functional all at once, or is there something else I’m missing?
–Ember–
Questions good.
My two therapist do communicate with each other if they feel the need. I manage to stir things up enough that each gets me where I am after I have worked with the previous one. The overview of the two different data sets is a good idea but at this time they don’t feel it is necessary. I trust them and they seem to trust me to let them know if there is a problem. Both of them are aware of the crap I am pulling in my day to day life. I am too self aware and too willing to own up to things I think for them to be concerned and need both sets of data. If the process diverged and went different directions with each of them, they trust that I would bring it up. It is sort of like a zigzag right now.
They do meet very different needs. I am not sure I can describe those needs but I can clearly see what I would be missing if I lost one or the other.
More then one session a week might be a good thing or not but either way, I can’t afford it. Each session is $150 a pop and I don’t have a job. I pay a minimum of $600 a month for this stuff. I also pay out a lot in terms of energy. When I am working, once a week is about right. I have more to give energy-wise right now but not in money.
Right after losing my job, I set aside $1,000 to do 2 sessions a week. We blew through that quickly and really didn’t get far at all. Looking back I feel it wasn’t worth the expense.
I honestly don’t know if I would become more non-functional or less so if I increased the number of sessions a week. It isn’t a rational thing so it could go either way.
How’s that for answers? I appreciate you questioning me and making sure I have stuff covered. I think I might have appreciated it in the past but it also might have annoyed me and I would have felt like I wasn’t being trusted to know what is best for me or that I wasn’t seen as I really am. Or I would have been frustrated in needing to explain myself. I am grateful for this change in me. Yay me!
*grins* Your answers are whatever they are, of course. I admit, I ask out of curiosity, trying to understand, more than out of a desire to prompt change in you or anything.
I guess the thing is – even if I trust that you know what you’re doing, that’s got nothing to do with whether or not I know what you’re doing. You’re always welcome to tell me you’d rather not share, of course.
–Ember–
Ok, now I am worried about you.
You need to get out and do something. Take a walk in the park, go to the mall, go to a museum. Find something you like and go do it. I got that advice from a friend recently
That is the thing. There is nothing I like that would motivate me. Only things I am willing to do. Generally it takes other people to get me to move.
I like dreaming. I like lying around thinking. I like tv. I like reading. Although tv and reading are starting to get dull. Dreaming is still great.
Most of the things I do it because I want the result, not because I like the activity.
Life sucks that way.