Someone told me that they wanted to correct something they did because they felt they didn’t act with integrity and they see themselves as a person of integrity.

I don’t get this. that people act a particular way because they consider themselves as something and they want to conform to that something.

I see myself as certain things because that is the way I am, not the way I want to be or am trying to be. I don’t consider myself a truthful person. I will lie like a rug if it suits me. I tend to be honest (more honest than a lot of people) because I want the consequences of telling the truth. The same goes for every quality I can think of that I have heard that people have used to define themselves (things like moral, ethical, good, etc).

I think the most appropriate approach for self identity is to accept and be who you are and not try to fit a definition of who you are. Instead of defining who you want to be and trying to act that way, I think it makes more sense/works better if you focus the consequences you want and what parts of you work towards or against those consequences. It feels like people are trying to mold themselves into an external form rather than work from the inside out. I couldn’t understand why people would want to do it that way.

And me being me, I was pretty sure I was doing exactly what I was saying I didn’t do but I couldn’t see where I was doing it.

I think I finely have unraveled it.

I tend towards being truthful, I tend towards integrity, etc. That is just natural and the way that I am. It is the parts of me that get me what I want. I also want to work at a high level of communication. I want people to feel safe enough to call me on my shit. I want to be reasonable when there is a disagreement and work it out. I want to know when someone has trouble with me and doesn’t want to deal with me. These are consequences I want.

The issue here is that my natural instincts don’t lead to these consequences. I have to think and choose to do things that are not completely natural to get what I want. It requires that I put aside my pride and ego and focus on the other person (this is the easiest to see the need for and is getting easier to do). I requires swallowing my hurt and my fear and choosing to pay attention to the solution to a problem rather than retaliation or protection. It requires stepping out on a limb and confronting someone in a way they can handle to find out the truth when the partial truth, figured out based on actions and possibly very close to the actual truth, would be more useful and easier and a less painful way to letting go and getting away from the problem. (how’s that for a long run on sentence?) It requires risking saying things that might hurt others or end options but would lead to better outcomes and better understandings. It requires risking that what I am involved in could continue to be something that I don’t care much for and letting go of things that might be better because what I am involved in could turn out wonderful. It requires facing my fears and sitting with them instead of instantly running away. It requires that I tell people how well they did when it bothers me that they did well (ok, this one is really easy but I do have to think it through and I do have to admit to my issues at the same time).

To get to the consequences I want, I have to fight my natural instincts. I have laid an outside template over my typical way of doing things and I try to conform. I have to watch how I feel and figure out if it is something I want to let go through or something I should suppress. I think this is doing what I couldn’t understand others doing but with different semantics. I don’t even have a name/description for what I am trying to become. I want to see myself as an ______ person and I am placing expectations on myself to conform to that definition to make it happen.

And I guess with me being me, I am not concerned over things most people would do it for, but came up with something else that doesn’t even have a definition directly related to it.