There are times when I am amazed by how much I hate myself. I have managed to completely wipe these times from my memory, even the short term memory. But it is a very familiar feeling and that means to me that I have been here over and over again.
I know I am a massively wonderful person and I generally have really high self esteem. I believe any problem people have with me really is their problem. I have things to work on, yes, but they don’t invalidate me as a good person.
Times like this all that seems irrelevant and I really do hate myself. I don’t normally notice this and will distract myself from it. But I am learning to live with the day to day and the moment to moment and this is one place this really sucks. To avoid this feeling, I would have to do something that would screw up my life (like run away from work) and I can’t afford this right now. So I am trying to learn how to acknowledge these feelings and not let them overwhelm me. And it hurts. And I hate the choices I have made and the consequences they have lead to. Even while knowing that the consequences aren’t all that bad, it is only my feelings that are making them so. They are still my feelings and I have to learn to live with them.
I realize this is a momentary thing. It might last until I get some productivity under me. It seems to be part of the inertia problem I have. Part of Transitions.
This is a post of acknowledgement, not one looking for solutions. Part of that whole ickky “feelings” crap I don’t like to deal with.
Sounds like you’ve got your own 5 streak.
–Ember–
I do have my own 5 streak. I seem to go there to avoid my 7 issues. I am curious what you see as 5 and what isn’t 5.
Mrf, you’re probably better at seeing what’s 5 and what’s not than I am. I can tell you what I consider applicable to my 5 streak, but I don’t think my 5ness is prototypical.
Specifically, I got the impression a lot of what is making you so unhappy with yourself is feeling like you’re not productive enough, or not skilled enough at your current job – insufficiently competent.
That’s a 5 thing, no?
–Ember–
Your comment made me realize that it could be that you are seeing what I wrote through a 5 filter and getting something complete different than what I see. I have always known that language is a very limited way to communicate but I don’t think I really realized how much the filter has to do with it so this was very interesting.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t productive enough, it was that I had these feelings of being able to do something and I wasn’t able to actually make myself do them. I knew I could but I was blocking myself. I felt completely competent, that wasn’t even a question in my head. It was that I was causing problems and not doing what I should.
From what I understand of 5s, when this sort of thing starts to happen, they get more dense and force things to happen and damn the price they will have to pay. If they have to bash their head’s into the wall to make it work and prove the competency they know they have, then so be it. For me, I feel like I am missing the drive to get dense and make things work. I am all light and flowy. If I can’t make the situation light and flowy then I can’t make it work. And what I was doing was making the situation hard. Basically working against myself and I couldn’t stop.
I will admit that being competent and getting stuff done was a way to get out of it. I think that is a factor of things are moving therefor they become easy again and I am distracted and less likely to get in my own way again.
Does that make any sense?
Absoloutely!
And honestly, yes, when I get fed up with myself I just start pushing. But a lot of times when I’m too depressed, or tired, or undermotivated to push I feel wretched, because I feel like it’s not that I couldn’t do it, I just can’t seem to get it done.
*shrugs*
Most likely I read into what you wrote because I wasn’t entirely awake the first time I read it
–Ember–
Those are hard feelings to deal with, and I can understand how much it hurts to poke at that tender part of your psyche. Good on you for working on it nonetheless.
I hope you work through this with minimal icky-ness.
Would you be bothered by some advice about icky feelings that seems to help me? If not, consider this to be an expression of sympathy and hope you work through things with minimal ick.
Sigh. Obviously, “if so, please consider…”. If you *would* be bothered, I wouldn’t want to do so much as offer to give the advice.
Since this is all feeling stuff, I feel I already know everything but can’t put that knowledge into play because the emotions refuse to listen. Ergo, there isn’t anything you can tell me that would be useful. This is probably a defense structure to protect myself when things are yucky (that is the profession term I am sure, Yucky)
But the way you approached this was very good. It helps me set aside some of my defenses and makes me more open to possible advice that may actually be useful.
If nothing else I would be curious what prospect you would be coming from.
**HUGS**