The world out here, out side my head, is Craptastic. In my head, everything works. Out here I get hit. Inside I am safe. Out here I am vulnerable to the lightest touch hurting me. Inside, thing are the way I need them to be and wonderful and opportunities show up everywhere and there are things I can make with the turn of my mind and places to show them off. Out here, everything is uphill and I have to fight and I am mostly alone. The safest people are the ones that don’t know me well at all and are at a distance. The ones that are close are the ones that either aren’t there or I have to defend myself from being hurt by. No wonder I feel unconnected to those that should be close. It isn’t safe.

And today isn’t a bad day. It is an ok day. For a few moments there (yes, I got up half an hour ago) it was even a nice day. One sentence in one email that doesn’t mean much has sent me into a dive bomb. My structure is so fragile.

CRAP!

I would rather sleep until it is time for it all to be over. Just like I would rather eat through a tube. I may miss some good stuff but I wouldn’t have to deal with all the bad stuff anymore. I am just treading water until it is over.

I have a hard time choosing an icon. The Scream has too much energy for what I am feeling. I need a bleh icon. I was looking at yellow smiley faces to get a straight line one and noticed I smile at some of them happy ones. I don’t know what it is about that yellow face, it hits something in me.

Tuesday was a full and good day. We got to a deeper layer in therapy and good things followed for part of the day.

Yesterday I slept for 18 hours and felt like crap because of it. I figured it was a recovery day. I did take the kolopin in the morning and was disappointed I still didn’t do anything. But I was upright on the couch and followed through on some job leads and played a new set of video games.

Today, I didn’t take the kolopin to see what difference it might make. I am lacking in interest and motivation. I felt like I could still do things I wanted to do and didn’t do yesterday but I didn’t move forward on it. Just like the last few months (are we to years yet?). I didn’t even get upright in bed (ok couch, I still can’t see my bed). I watched some TV, played on the computer, whatever. I don’t know if it is the lack of the bitty bit of med (I cut it in half, and then in half again, and sometimes in half again) or if it is the lack of people. I did some inviting yesterday and got mostly no from those I heard from. And those nos (how in the world do you spell the plural of NO?) underscored some other places where there isn’t support for something I am trying for which makes me sad too. And when I am sad, it is really hard to see the good side of things and the support I do have.

It is funny, when dealing with others, typically customers and fellow workers, I am honestly cheerful and helpful and a delight to be around. It isn’t fake, it is just the part of me that comes to the surface when I am in that position. But without others around, that part of me doesn’t have strength or it feels like I am denying the other parts of me. This is one of the major reasons I like being around others. I am happier. I glow when I interacting with others and the dark is farther away. When I am in the spotlight, I can’t even tell the dark is out there. When I am alone, the dark is everywhere and it is a battle. And I need my alone time because I get tired. So it is something I can’t get away from, only learn how to deal with.

But it is hard when I have to constantly work to arrange to get together with others. It feels like an always uphill push. The show up events like dances and social gatherings don’t feed me enough anymore. For things like parties it is hard work to get comfortable enough to be able to be fed while there.

This is one of the reasons I always had a job, even a stupid one while waiting for a real one to show up. I would be surrounded by people and not be stuck with just myself. It would get me away from the threat of the dark for awhile and give me something else to do. So this stint of unemployment is not a good thing for me. I have grown enough that I haven’t gone bug nuts in the 9 months I haven’t had work. But I am aware there is still a tax being levied on me by it. Looking back, even though I feel lousy and pointless and weak right now, I have actually made huge progress from how I used to be. I have lost some things I could count on to get me out of this sort of fix but I have gained a lot of abilities to control being in a situation like this which is a good thing. It puts things more in my control. Which is funny because I feel like I can’t control so much of the shit I am doing to myself.

Welcome to my head.

Later Note: Mr Joe Price, my inspiration for many things/activities, came over and worked on my bike. I got human contact and productivity and some exercise. Now I am really tired and really need to eat. Still don’t want to eat, but need it. Which I could drink this meal like I do my breakfast meal.

I forgot the main reason I was posting today. My eyes have gone bad again. They are vibrating again and again and again. They seem to be stuck in the 3 second loop but before the 4th second is done, the cycle has already started again. They go off in groups so some times it is hours between problems, other times it if over and over and over for 15-30 mins. I can feel the pressure in my temples this time around.

Changing focus seems to be a problem for them. There are times when it will set off a new cascade. Every time I change the focus of my eyes, they will start shaking again. This means it happens when I look at one item and then look at another. Or I look at something two feet away then at something right next to it but at 4 feet away.

Usually this isn’t a problem when driving. A car doesn’t change much between being stable and being blurry around the edges. But with the vibration getting bad when I change focus, when I am looking to see if a car is coming, I can’t tell very well. I have trouble understanding new information into my head. I can still do it but it is harder. I can’t read an entire field of view in a glance like I am used to.

I doubt I will bother with doctors this time around. By the time an appointment could be set up to test me with their equipment, things will have changed and I probably won’t be able to make it happen.

Something I am noticing, when it has been gone for awhile and shows up again, it seems really really bad. I don’t know how much of that is me getting used to it and how much is it is much worse at the beginning and then mellows out. I am leaning for the latter theory. I start out feeling like I am not going to be able to cope with it long (not being able to see correctly, losing my balance, little brain storms in my head) and later it is a eh, just something to tolerate, no big deal, don’t really affect my life much.

It sure would be nice to know what is causing it. I believe it is some issue with the Vestibular nerve and the vestibulo-ocular reflex. Again, mine is special. My eyes vibrate at a 45 degree angle. The ones the doctors know of are at 0 and 90 degree angles. So again with the very annoying, undiagnosable, not quite normal health problem.

I did the same today that I did the last few days but I haven’t really gotten anything accomplished. I do feel like I can accomplish something but haven’t figured out where to focus. I had nothing on the calendar for today. Tomorrow is Therapy and dance class (I hope I can actually go this week). Nothing for the rest of the week until Sat. That is PEERS and Lee Presson and the Nails. The next Friday is the Steampunk ball and I might have a good outfit for that. Actually, it might be a good outfit for a Firefly event/ball too. There are so many little things I could do. Some big things as well but something is blocking the next step and I am reluctant to dive in and try to untangle that mess.

I did read a book. It has been awhile since I have had a chance for a good long read. I finished this book in three days and that felt good. I have flipped my schedule again, sort of. I went to bed at 6am and got up at 1pm. This is better but still not good. I was thinking to try to ride my (new to me) bike but then it was dark before I noticed. I still need a chain for it. I have locks.

I think I might do some of the cutting on my sewing projects tonight. I also might start on a jigsaw puzzle I got for my niece. I want to know how many pieces are missing before giving it to her. It is one of those mystery puzzles where you don’t know what the picture looks like and it contains the solution to a mystery. For some reason I like those.

I am tempted by online computer games. I feel a desire to get lost in a match three or hidden object game.

If I actually want to accomplish something, I will cable my two tv sets to test them to see which one is better and then cable it up so my DVD player and more is functional again. Once I get my dvd player working, I will have more stuff to watch.

I have been working on projects and finishing up some stuff over the last few days. It has been great but I do realize it is somewhat manic. I don’t feel manic, I just feel like I can get things done. Of course, I can’t actually get around to doing the things on my list that I have already sabotaged but I seem to be able to do new things.

The change I have made is taking a little Clonazepam (Klonopin) every day when I get up. And I do mean a little. I cut a pill in half and then in half again. Just a smidge. I think what is going on is the med takes the edge off my general anxiety which give me the room to actually do something rather than feeling like it would be better to roll over and not deal with the day. I could probably use more calming down but I will admit, I am grateful to be actually making things again. I like being able to make things. I am very familiar with not being able to sit still and wanting to be entertained by either working or reading or watching something.

I want to continue to be Doing again. This is my old status quo. It is not sustainable in this form, I realize that. But it is nice to visit.

I notice that my typing has gotten worse. I misspell things and don’t realize it. Typically, I will catch myself mistyping a word and backspace to fix but when I look over things now, I will find flat out wrong words and wrong endings (like -ling instead of -ly) and spaces in the wrong place. It is sort of like things are happening with no one actually driving.

Maybe I am drunk Doing (instead of drunk driving).

At least I am more in the here and now. Long term consequences seem unknowable to me at this point. They are vague and far away. I feel like I can work on what is in front of me and then go to the next thing. I can plan for the short term but things like secondary consequences just don’t compute. Ah, the joy of being an observer in your own brain.

The best thing is that I am functional again. I would say my flake factor is still high but I have a little more control over things then previously. Hopefully this will lead to more.