I just had a dream where I felt untouched by the people I knew, logically, cared for me. They were so wrapped up in their own stuff and handling our relationship on automatic that it felt like the connection between us wasn’t real.

I have been wanting pasta for a few days and my mom made a pasta dinner but it was woven pasta that had a texture like yarn and felt fuzzy on the tongue. We were having dinner with guests and she hadn’t eaten all day and was running late and she was frantic. She called me over to help her take the pasta off the stove and drain it. I didn’t have any hot pads so I was using my skirt and not paying enough attention [I had other things on my mind, my own things] and ended up spilling and dropping the pasta. We heard a dish break and she was upset because it was her favorite dish. I couldn’t deal with the bad feelings I know I should be feeling about it so I took off. Later I realized that 1. We shouldn’t have been so rushed. The pasta could have sat long enough for me to get the right type of hot pads and the right approach so the dish didn’t fall. 2. Just because she hadn’t eaten all day and was running behind, I shouldn’t have bought into the crisis and rush at the moment. 3. The dinner thing was done “for me” but I wasn’t part of the planning or anything. It was something that others thought should be done for me but actually didn’t meet my needs at all. 4. The dish is old and there are a lot of other dishes and she isn’t around often to use them so when you step outside the situation, losing the dish is not that big a deal. It just wasn’t that important. There was also a section about my friends and I seeing a movie. I was in the back seat of the car and feeling the need to tell the pasta story, probably to figure out those points I listed. They kept talking in the front about something else that was a very light subject. When they didn’t seem like they were going to pay any attention to me, I continued my story just for myself in the back. It felt they they found even more to say than they usually did to keep talking over everything I was saying. I think that usually I take part in the light conversation and since I wasn’t doing “my part” they were filling in for me. When we got to the movie theater, they were surprised when I asked them when they wanted me to pick them up. I told them that since they weren’t really listening to me, I didn’t feel there was any point in being with them as they went to a movie but since it was my car and they would be stranded if I left, I would pick them up after the movie. They basically refused to understand and kept talking like my reluctance to go to the movie was about not wanting to see that particular movie and they just needed to solve that problem and everything would be fine. That is when we headed to my place and I decided to take off on my own. They were talking with my mom about my odd behavior and were trying to figure out how to watch out for me since I was being weird. They weren’t understanding the lack of connection or the lack of really being there. Everything was on automatic.

This is when I blew a gasket and stopped feeling and stopped reaching out to connect. I knew that I was in bad shape but felt there wasn’t anything anyone could do to reach me. Everything was fake. Even when they started to put effort into actually caring instead of phoning it in, it couldn’t touch me, I was too far gone.

I took off on my own, it didn’t really matter where. I was going to go on a long trip to visit a graveyard that I wanted to see and realized there was one in town, near the university, that I could try beforehand to see if that touched me at all. On the way, I passed a favorite professor of mine having car problems (he had a very fancy sports car stuck in the gutter filled with water). I passed him as not my problem but paused and debated back and forth if I should try to help. I didn’t feel it but logically, he was someone that I cared about so I eventually stopped to help. There were others helping at that time so I watched as they got his car out and working again. He was busy on the phone and didn’t even notice that they had gotten the car back on the roadway until they were done. He didn’t notice me and I wasn’t needed so I spent the time watching from the sidelines and left after I was sure everything was taken care of and ok. I wasn’t surprised or hurt that I was practically invisible. I felt that was the natural order of things in the mood I was in.

I made it down to the graveyard and decided to go to a section I didn’t normally visit. It ended up that there was working being done there by a group of students and instructors (sort-of). The student types were human and somewhat dense, the instructors heading the project were elfin-like fey types. I was familiar with this situation. I ignored them and felt they wouldn’t even see me or care if they did.

Everything was flat. I couldn’t see the tombstones but I knew they were there. There were markers where the stones should be, sort of like a map on the ground or as if the ground level was there but the things above that level were gone. I went up against a fence, away from the work being done, and messed with the location of the stones trying to figure out how I was interacting with them (I think this is a metaphor for how I was interfacing with the real world). I was poking around a rock hill thingy which should be the base for missing stonework when one of the students came over. He started to talk to me and I don’t remember what he did but he insulted me, or did something that I took as threatening and without thinking, in one motion, I pulled out a knife and swept my arm in an arc to slit his throat. When he fell, I thought that I probably shouldn’t have done that and should have walked away instead. I didn’t really care but I knew logically it wasn’t the right thing to do and his punishment was worse than his crime. But done is done so I went back to poking at my rock.

One instructor raced to the side of the bleeding student and worked to fix his neck before he died. I was pleased that something was being done and then uninterested. Another instructor grabbed me and pulled me to the ground. They both were smaller than me but I didn’t put up a fight because I felt he was in the right. We talked. He seemed to understand that I didn’t mean to do it and that I was out of touch with the world. He felt bad for me but I still needed some sort of punishment because I had stepped over the line. He had a knife like thing and he lightly cut my face along the jawline and a few other outline type places. I wondered if I would be scarred or if it would even be noticed. But at that point he felt real. I was being seen for who I was, I was being touched at me instead of just having parts of bodies overlapping in space. I lay there as he got up and he put his hand on me and I felt cared for.

O, did I crave that. I realized that was what was missing before and I needed it. That was when I realized that everyone before was so caught up in their own stuff they didn’t realize that they hadn’t actually been in the same world as I was. Everyone else was an automatic and I was out of step and needing more. I craved more of this instructor but I also understood that it was a craving of being seen, heard and touched that I was craving not really him. He had his own life to live and what I was wanting was inappropriate. I needed to find other ways to meet my needs that worked for me.

I woke up at this point and started going over the dream. There were flavors of people/friends in each character. My method of transportation was floating as usual. I could go high or low if I concentrated as usual. The feelings from the dream were very familiar. It remains so clear and familiar that I decided to write it out. It is still very familiar feeling but not as strong or clear as it was in the dream. I think I know what it is about and I have slipped into autopilot somewhat myself, just to move around in this world and be willing to be awake.

My personal website has been offline for almost a year because it was hosted by a friend that had a system crash and he can’t seem to get around to fixing it. I have also switched the domain name over to Register4Less.com (recommended by Userfriendly.com) and have 5meg of hosting available to me. I will get more (it is a small site after all) after we get away from the end/beginning of the year money drain.

This means my drivers licenses are back up (and these now are the only copies that exist of them since my wallet was stolen). I have marked the index page with what sections are live right now. The links to my Labyrinth and Enneagram information are good to go. My Sailor Uranus stuff are back.

Next comes my professional portfolio website.

I exist on the web again. You can find me at thegina.com

So yesterday I dug a hole in my pillow and didn’t come out. I had plans and it felt like it was going to be a good day and it ended up be a waste day. Today started as a waste day. I finally got up around 3pm from a very drugged sleep. The interesting thing is that I got up and actually was motivated to do something. I called a friend to see if I could foist myself on them and their stuff.

I accomplished one task (fixing a chair) and have a major component of another task done (fray-check a rip in a bodice so I can stitch it up). Both of these tasks have been on the to do list for literally years. Probably since before my latest round of depression. It was really wonderful how I felt full of appropriate amounts of energy and could move forward. I received my UI check and it went into the bank. That is the fastest that has ever happened. The paperwork is all filled out and stamped and ready to post at the end of the week. I fed myself and filled the car up with gas.

I also received my report from the Brain Doctor. I think they did a good job nailing me down. They mention my unique way of being and think that I use up a huge amount of energy just translating between me and the rest of the world and that is wearing me down. I am so used to doing it that I think it is easier than anything else. Could be a touch of autism in there. Wouldn’t be surprised. A lot of things support things I have figured out for myself. There were also some things that were uncomfortable to read and find out about myself. Nothing really solid that stands out, more of a general feel I think (or I could be blacking it out in my memory already). They did get stuck on a couple of points that I don’t think are any big deal and that they are reading their own meaning into it. I am very tickled to have done this and to have this information as a resource. I think it is going to be very helpful.

I am reading this self help book that suggests setting up a reward for doing a task you don’t want to do. But what do you do when the reward ends up being yet another task you don’t want to do.

I was all set to volunteer today, but something hit me and I went into avoidance mode. I got massively tired and ended up sleeping the day away dressed and with my shoes on. I have been wanting a Big Mac for a couple of days (yes, I am a slave to marketing, every now and then I have the taste for on). So I was going to hit McDs on the way. It didn’t matter how much I hit myself with the “get up” stick or what reward I promised myself, I wasn’t moving. So 7 hours later, I finally am willing to become part of the world again and now I don’t want to even eat. What was a reward before is not something that is a struggle to do. Things that would normally be called a “reward” right now are the only things I am willing to do. My other choice is to slip back into not-this-reality.

So far in three hours, I have managed to eat a leftover half of a chicken sandwich, one beef chunk (mom made them for me and they came out of the freezer yesterday), some sugar-free chocolate covered peanuts and raisins , and some sugar-free gummy stuff (fruit, worms, etc) as well as a can of fresca. I have watched 2 hours of DVR and played on the computer. I am trying to get my portfolio website uploaded but keep running into DNS snags.

Tomorrow is an empty day so I expect I won’t get much if anything done. I think it might be a success if I can bother to wake up before noon. Assuming I go to sleep before 8am since I got a long nap in the middle of my day.

And the doc asks if I am depressed, HA!

I realize that making the statement that it is too bad the economy isn’t worse is not going to be popular. But there are reasons which make me sorry the over all economy didn’t get anywhere as near as bad as it looked like it would. It had the potential to be a real game changer but instead it was saved from taking a real dive and sits only at the major pain in the ass level. I don’t think we learned anything. The banks that were too large to fail are even bigger. All the big car makers are still out there making more cars than we need. The housing market is artificially inflated due to government spending. We haven’t changed the system, we have just propped it up so it can keep going just like it always has.

The boat didn’t sink. Yes, we are leaking in a lot of places but we have enough holes filled in that we aren’t going to need to redesign the boat. When things started to look really bad, I was grateful we were getting a chance to change some things. I thought we were going to be forced to make healthy changes. Instead, we were saved from sliding into another Great Depression and now only have the same old, same old but in a painful way.

At least Americans are saving instead of spending more than they make. That was a step in the right direction. We are more focused on conservation rather than expanding. I am seeing so many things that are a repeat of the good things that came out of the 70s. I am hoping that this time they really will stick unlike the fade out that followed the 70s. But I don’t see anything that will keep most people from going right back to their overspending, overusing, wasteful ways once the scare is over.

On the personal side:
I am caught up in it as much as anyone else. My spending habits are about the same as they were beforehand. Right now the places were I could cut are my internet access and my two phones (landline and cell). But that seems to be cutting my nose off to spite my face. The internet is only $20 a month and it is such a major connection for me to keep me from sliding into my depression and out of contact with people. I have very strong opinions about maintaining a landline when a lot of other people are switching to cell only or VOIP. My landline will continue to work even if the power is out while the other two methods won’t. I feel my cell is necessary for getting work. It is $45 a month and that would be nice to drop but it is very hard to deal with not having one these days and it is so very useful. I am looking at smart phones but have no plans to buy one any time soon. TiVo could get the boot, it is $14 a month but it too is something that keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole. My food bill could go down somewhat if I was willing to actually cook. I find I will spend the day not eating when faced with boiling water for pasta. I have been spending money on clothes with the justification that they are for work matching my current size, the sale was massively cheap (75% off, shirts for $2) and my mom is giving me my wardrobe for my Xmas present. My meds, my car insurance, my health insurance, my credit card payments, my rent, my utilities are all set costs. Therapy might take a hit which would not be a good idea. My entertainment budget should be pulled in but again it is something that keeps me in contact with people and gets me out of the house.

Mostly I can manage to scrape along close to normal and am not forced to really change my ways. I wouldn’t even know how or what to change with the perspective I have now. I know a few friends that have been in the barely getting buy place for long enough that they have learned how to make the change. If I get there, I am sure it will be a good thing to learn. If I don’t, that means I figured out how to keep things the way they are. While painful and crappy, it still comes out to a win win situation. I will have to remind myself of that when I whine about how hard life is.

Mostly it is my depression that is my main concern. I really would like to get back to my frugal college days of a weekends worth of entertainment for $1 (probably $10-$20 now days). There is a lot of money I spend just because if I didn’t, I would get worse instead of better.

Both Baycon and Silicon have their dramas right now. Both of them have been pushed over the edge due to the economy.

I think we could have a great year. I can’t remember who I was talking to about it (and I really wish I could) but this is a fabo opportunity to have an EconoCon. Panels like Costuming on the Cheap, or how to create something from the closet. The costume contest could be done and the front row could be handed flashlights for spotlights and the overhead lights would be left on just for the fun of it. Budgeting with a fandom flavor (“maybe it is time to use those collectible Star Trek glasses instead of leaving them in a box,” “Wallpapering with Magic Cards”) Watching old old shows that have faded into fandom memory like Blake 7, Clockwork Orange, and such. Story telling, having groups sponser a panel and do something with it, like how to paint sheets to make a space theme backdrop or something. Things that focus on being a fan, how to save money, and still have a great time could make for a fabulous theme. I am seeing rags to riches (or riches to rags) costume ideas flash in my head.

I feel that fandom in the Bay Area has gotten spoiled. I have been to all sorts of cons when I lived in Denver and each one had something to it even without all the tech and sound systems and programming. The favorite cons in my memory are ones with very low tech. Four tvs in the center of the room facing out with the audience in a circle around them, getting to compare the green tinge of one vs the pink tinge of the other. The year we lost power for 9 hours at Akon and we came up with our own things to do. Even Creation Con which put on such a lousy managed convention that most of us spent the days outside the hotel lead to a major change in how a group of us fans interacted and lead to wonderful things. Remember when Flanvention fell through and the California Browncoats put together B3 and from what I heard it was the best experience I could wish for. We even put on a con, Trepidation 2009, for practically no money (the web domain was bought and the con suite was paid for, not sure what other money went into the con as a whole) in a week and it was fun.

This could be a great creative time instead of a time to cancel and look at what we are missing. But we need to embrace it and run with it. If what went before is attempted again, it will be sadly lacking because the resources just aren’t there. If Change is accepted and worked with, something really neat can come out of it. We are not dull people. We are very creative people that love creative things.

I am not all that keen on Silicon’s ideas of fundraising dinners only right now but I think there is potential for some interesting things once people get a chance to pool ideas and play with them. Just because there isn’t a full weekend convention, that doesn’t mean there can’t be a Day O’Fun. The con could go on the road and have a WOOZ day with water gun fights. Or maybe a deal with the Tech in San Jose to take over the Star Trek exhibit for just us (depending on how long it will be there).

This could be a time where we gather as a community and work together to make wonderful experiences or a time where we keep ourselves separate and limp through and hope it gets better in the future.

Well, I am going to miss the Tim Burton Ball because the trip to AZ has been rescheduled for this week. My mother has been getting the run around from her doctors and feels that she could use more support now figuring things out than for after surgury. I leave Thursday and return Tues. Guess it is a good thing that my weekend was free.

She is getting frustrated, confused and feeling like all her options are being taken away. She tried to set up appointments from Bali but they wouldn’t set up anything beyond her initial visit and that was set for a month after she got to the US. Now they keep losing her in the system and she needs leg surgury and back surgury and can’t get in touch with her primary doctor or the specialist. She has an alternative dr in Denver that has been recommended to her but that is more travel and more money. She is looking at returning to Bali and then coming back for the surgury. She can’t even get a straight answer out of people to find out if Medicare will pay for someone to come change her bandages during the 8 weeks of recovery.

My brother is nearby but he won’t even get involved with what is wrong with her let alone help navigate the system. It is a good thing that he doesn’t try to help because those two don’t work the same way and it would be a ball of frustration but it really hurts my mom that he doesn’t even care. (I got started on a rant that I don’t even want to bother posting. It just rattled on and would probably spur responses I would need to clarify or defend. So snip.)

My brother has switched from please come out to “we will be busy and you need ot be independent and we might be able to move the kids around so you can have a room.” My guess is that he still feels the same way but is wording things to protect himself. I am trying to figure out a way to inform him that is a bad idea when it comes to me and cut through the bullshit. I don’t want to make this trip. The trip is to see him and the family where they are and the timing is for my mom. The lack of enthusiasm really makes it harder to look forward to it being in any way a positive experience. I am already feeling regret that I ever agreed to it instead of just looking out for myself. I don’t have the money to toss away on the flight even though he and my mom are going to pitch in and I HATE traveling. I have been able to make LA work but even that doesn’t work all that well. I get enough high points from everyone at LosCon that it makes it worth it. I don’t see any high points for this trip and it is harder work. I am sure there will be good stuff but it sure is hard move forward without something bright pulling me onward.

While things weren’t going all that smoothly this weekend, I was handling things well and last week worked for the most part. It will be interesting to see how I handle this week.

I have pictures of my brain now. My dad gave me a brain scan for Xmas. Yes, my family is unique, I come by it naturally. When I can connect with, borrow, an optic scanner, I will get a digital version and post it somewhere. This is the thing that he and I am doing: http://www.amenclinics.com/.

They have you concentrate, shoot you up with some radiation that gets deposited in the busy areas and then take a SPECT scan of your brain to come up with a 3D image of the inside and outside. The next day they do it all over again but with you relaxing. The third day is talking to the Doc to find out what it all means in relationship to your personal history (they spent two hours taking my history on the first day).

Turns out that my brain shows that I am prone to depression, mood swings, and ADD. Anyone surprised? For what I have going on, I am on the proper meds (I still don’t think I am on the right strengths since drugs affect me oddly). What they are suggesting is a laundry list of supplements at which the top is Fish Oil (Omega-3).

The eye shaking thing doesn’t show up. The hypersensitive thing would be on a microscopic level and this isn’t that detailed.

One thing I didn’t know from before was that I am about equally balanced between anger/irritability and internal oriented sadness. I am very aware of the sadness part and thought I had avoided the anger/irritability. Part of my current process is to own up to and process my anger and irritability instead of suppressing it. I wonder if that is why it is showing up as equal when the sadness seems to be much larger in my life or if it has always been equal and I just did a good job of suppressing it before.

Supposedly I am not an addictive personality. I have assumed I was but I haven’t really gotten caught on anything yet. I may just look a little like it but not really be one.

Another funny thing is that it seems that I have much more brain activity at rest than when concentrating. At rest, my cerebellum lights up brightly. When concentrating, it almost goes away and it is my Thalamo-limbic area that becomes almost the only light in my head.

Another interesting odd note is that issue that show up on the right or the left tend to flip between the two different states.

Interesting general brain info includes that sensing your internal state is located in the Temporal Lobes and sensing your external state (data from the 5 senses, being able to close your eyes and point to something specific in the room) is located in the Parietal Lobes.

Also I have more variation in mood compared to a “healthy” brain which leads to creativity. And creativity shows up at the beginning and ending of an up or down swing. To me, this means when you are switching from one direction to the other, that is when I am my most creative and knowing that, I can capitalize on it.

I have issues with organization and motivation. I want to find out how to jump kick motivation. I lack discipline and motivation is how I lever myself into doing things.

The way to improve a lot of things is stuff I have done for years. Own your problems, avoid blame, kill off negative thoughts, focus on joy and being happy, etc. The problem is that I do those things as a survival mechanism so they aren’t as useful as someone that is coming to them fresh. I over use them and block other things with them. What I am doing now is letting those systems go offline so I can lean how to handle the negative stuff better. When it is all Happy Happy Joy Joy, when the bad times show up, and they always will, I have no way of coping. I go way down when I get hit with bad times. When you have a full spectrum of coping skills then you can choose the Happy Happy Joy Joy version when it is an option and deal with the bad things as needed.

I tried to explain all this to my dad and he can’t make heads or tails of it. And he is into this stuff as much as I am. So I don’t expect others to grok it either. But I am putting it out there anyway. (How many sentences can I start with conjunctions?)

I took a waltz class today. I found out that I am not as good at dancing as I thought I was. I am good at faking dancing a waltz. The actual techniques are harder and I find there are so many thing I have to remember to correct that I lose my footwork. It is good to learn this.

I was planning to take tonight’s lesson to test how much stamina I have. If it worked out ok, then I would take the February swing lessons in prep for March PEERS with Lee Presson and the Nails. The jury is out on if I can make it. Be the end of the hour, I had to sit down and sweat was pouring down my face. I need to think out my dance outfit. I need something very light because I so easily over heat but I don’t want my partner(s) to have to deal with a sopping wet dance partner. I didn’t used to sweat when I danced. No matter what a handkerchief is in order. This is one of the reasons I look to water aerobics for exercise. The water helps me maintain my temperature.

I am also pondering switching from follower to leader. I want to be a girl but with my height, it is somewhat uncomfortable to dance with the people that show up. I feel like I stick out all over the place. Sometimes this does not bother me but when I am finding out I am not as good a dancer as I thought I was, I don’t have a lot of room to absorb other areas of uncomfortability. Besides, I think I have more and better suited clothes as a guy than I do as a girl right now. I could look really cool if I could stand to wear a hat and vest. But those are too hot.

So it looks like things will go smoother for me if I just give up on my sense of being a girl and take on the leader role as my own. I may have more curves now but I don’t know how to dress those curves. I know how to dress a guy in my size. I will have to see if I am as good at that as I think I am. With my current haircut I probably will make a good dyke.

I still want to be a girl and I still wish I didn’t sweat so much or overheat.

The new movie seems to be a very different version of Sherlock Homes. The fist fighting scene is one that struck me as not how I picture Sherlock Homes. Someone from my FL posted this link http://community.livejournal.com/221b_bakerst/439718.html that lists out things from the movie that fit the Sherlock Homes canon. It shows that the fighting scene does actually fit.