I am reading this self help book that suggests setting up a reward for doing a task you don’t want to do. But what do you do when the reward ends up being yet another task you don’t want to do.

I was all set to volunteer today, but something hit me and I went into avoidance mode. I got massively tired and ended up sleeping the day away dressed and with my shoes on. I have been wanting a Big Mac for a couple of days (yes, I am a slave to marketing, every now and then I have the taste for on). So I was going to hit McDs on the way. It didn’t matter how much I hit myself with the “get up” stick or what reward I promised myself, I wasn’t moving. So 7 hours later, I finally am willing to become part of the world again and now I don’t want to even eat. What was a reward before is not something that is a struggle to do. Things that would normally be called a “reward” right now are the only things I am willing to do. My other choice is to slip back into not-this-reality.

So far in three hours, I have managed to eat a leftover half of a chicken sandwich, one beef chunk (mom made them for me and they came out of the freezer yesterday), some sugar-free chocolate covered peanuts and raisins , and some sugar-free gummy stuff (fruit, worms, etc) as well as a can of fresca. I have watched 2 hours of DVR and played on the computer. I am trying to get my portfolio website uploaded but keep running into DNS snags.

Tomorrow is an empty day so I expect I won’t get much if anything done. I think it might be a success if I can bother to wake up before noon. Assuming I go to sleep before 8am since I got a long nap in the middle of my day.

And the doc asks if I am depressed, HA!