I have been avoiding talking with my dad because it could be anywhere between no big deal to something really messing. I am in need of money and while I haven’t asked, I get the feeling he and I don’t agree on money like issues.

So here I am in a vulnerable position asking for help. I want exactly what I asked for. A lump sum of money. He starts charging to the rescue and wants to make thing happen for me. Which due to the way things are structure could make things a lot worse than they already are and make things harder for me to deal with. He is wanting to make things easier for me but is not checking in with me due to his own insecurities.

When he is feeling slighted or hurt, he retreats. When he helps he is there 120%. Having both of these going on at the same time is hard to deal with. And when you are up to your neck in other crisis and coming apart, it is really hard to manage.

Well the confrontation is done. It turned out to be on the low end of the scale and he is doing what I am asking him to do and seems to understand why this is the best way. There has been a huge build up of fear and anxiety over dealing with this. Now that it is over and no big deal and things are good, there should be a sense of relief. But my hands are shaking really hard and I don’t feel good. I think that is because I don’t feel seen and heard. I don’t think he realizes how hard it was to reach out and ask for help, how much I tried to take care of the problem he feels he got hurt feelings over, how much I am swallowing and keeping things one the surface so as to just deal with the immediate need, and how much it turns into him talking about his problems.

I am going through what feels like the worse crises of my life. This is all new areas for me and I am very scared and not used to dealing with feeling this scared. My old method of dealing with this is to get distracted and avoid and deny and I am trying to not do that. I realize that the crises is not relatively large. If it really was a Major crises, I might do better at dealing with it. It is these things that are under the wire of Major but big in terms of minor that seem to be my worst problems. One it croses into Major, it seems like some of my systems get disconnected and other usually non-active systems go online. Before that happens, I spend my time freaking out. Having others around to either hold space for me or help me focus help so much and sometimes seem to be the only way I can deal with stuff.

As I write this out, my hands are not shaking as much and I am getting more tired. Seems like a reasonable response. But I just got something else I don’t want to deal with tossed on my plate. Damn it, I want my sense of relief from getting through that icky confrontation situation I have been afraid of successfully. I sense of accomplishment is too much to ask for. (ooo look, the shaky hands are back, guess it is issue specific instead of general state of being).

Just keep moving, one step at a time, baby steps. Things will change over time. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. *le sigh*