Yesterday I made it to Dickens. By myself with no plans to meet anyone or be there for any one. I didn’t realize until I was there for a little bit that this was an event where I knew people and had no reason I had to be there. These are the sort of things I have been finding impossible to make. I will plan to go. I have every intention of going. Sometimes I will even get completely ready and still I don’t make it out the door. I just don’t go. No reason, no explanation. I just end up not going. Part of me that doesn’t talk to me or show up on the feeling side so I can tell what is up takes control and derails myself. Not really even a distraction where I forget the time and miss it. I just watch myself not leave. I am full aware of what I am doing, I just don’t seem to have the power to do anything about it. I had gotten to the point I accepted that was how I am right now.

The fact that I made it to Dickens is sort of a big deal (thanks to David for the free pass so the admission cost didn’t get in my way). I made it to Loscon but a lot of people depended on me so it was a requirement to go. I made it to the Pit O’Scorpions but since I am one of the guests of honor, it was sort of a requirement to go. I could have gotten out of it but it would have taken work. I didn’t make it to the former BGI dinner before the Pit. I wasn’t needed there but people would have been happy to see me.

I did make it to Fentons for Promise’s birthday party. I had planned my day so I would be near by. I was late which I think is part of this problem (not my normal lateness stuff). I did make it to FNW when I was working near by. I sort of beat on myself to go since I was under 2 miles away and I live 50 miles away. I was late to that because I didn’t want to go and I had to sort of shame myself into going. I plan to go next friday since I will be working at the same place. I wish I wasn’t aware of my issue so it could be like Dickens where I just go and figure it out later.