Asleep at 2am, awake at 10:30 for an hour. Dozed again between noon and 1 or 2.

Feeling almost completely unmotivated. There are some emails I should send for networking and a phone call or two to make and I dread doing it. I think I am about done with the kittens. I doubt I will be fostering any more. They are still cute but I have been playing email and phone tag with the coordinator since Monday and I am tired of it. As they grow, they get more annoying. I used to wish cats grew into kittens. Not anymore. I am still enjoying them one at a time but the chore of them far outweighs my appreciation and the responsibility I was hoping would snap into play, isn’t snapping.

I don’t want to do anything, be anyone, go anywhere, even exist. I make a little bit of progress and then fall back into the pit. I managed to scare my therapist good a few weeks ago and brought to light the need to focus and I think I have managed to diffuse that focus already. I am really good at undermining myself and I warn them over and over. I don’t know what I am doing to get things back in my hands after I give away the reigns over and over again. I think they should take some direction from me but not keep letting me take over. I pay them to provide me help. I don’t think they are helping.

Although, it could be I am just coming up with a smoke screen with these ideas because I don’t like where we are right now and progress really is happening. I am known for not liking transitions.

Waaa waaaa waaaa. Life sucks. And I have no reason for life to suck. I wish I could give it away to someone who would appreciate it. I really do.