I feel so drugged. I have slept hard. I went to sleep around 5am to be woken up at 10am by the fix-it-guy to fix my sink. Around 11 or noon, I was dropping off again. I finally woke up around 7pm and just want to go back to sleep again.

My sleep has been off for days. I think I have been getting by with 2-4-8 hours a sleep at odd intervals. I know that I have gone 36 hours without sleep and it felt just fine. I have been wondering why I feel drowsy at 6pm and wide awake at 10pm when I keep a normal schedule.

The dream this time involved me working with a danish guy (tall, thin, named something like John or Joseph, reminds me a lot of an old dear friend of mine that opted out of my life) on some spy type mission where we posed as a married couple in Denmark.

The part that is sticcking with me is my energy running down after a day spent exploring the town we lived in and shopping. I didn’t have any local currency and they didn’t take credit cards(the totals were given in powers of 2. Some very simple things I was buying ended up cominig to 2^30 which is beyond unreasonable. We were waiting for my brother (who was visiting) toget out of the bathroom and I woke up finding myself alseep on a store display and both of them gone. It was late and I had needed to eat when we were waiting before.

I went the few blocks to the car and found it was stil there. As I managed to get out of the parking lot and try to get out of the center of town, I spied him in the window of a restaurant. I stopped and confronted him. He said that he and my brother didn’t want to disurb me because it looked like I needed the rest and that they were going to walk home so that they could leave me the car so I could take care of myself and not need a parent. The parent thing got me. It was the idea that when I run out of energy, I need someone to step in like a parent and take care of me and that is sort of the way it really is. Life is so so so much easier when I have someone that can and will do that for me.

I thought that this guy would and I realized that he didn’t really know enough about me to be able to do that. He really thought this was a good solution and didn’t have an idea how bad it was to leave me in a foreign country with no usable currency, no way to contact him, and no idea where he went other than to eat.I had no backups and after I got back to the car, I realized i didn’t know the way back home either. I felt like I was not able to ask him for anything like money, directions or help. I felt like I was on my own and that I would eventually be ok but it was going to cost me.

I didn’t feel betrayed or hurt or anything. I felt mild disappointment like an entire branch of options just got erased and they had looked like really useful options and it was a shame they didn’t really exist. I was disappointed that I had depended on those options enough that I didn’t have other options worked out and I needed to do that while at my lowest point.

It felt very natural that I didn’t have any back up other than the most superficial (like what a store clerk would offer), nowhere to go for help and had to do everything by myself.

I don’t know if this is an attitude that is a goal I should be trying to get to or something I am trying to work to get away from.

“So I don’t need someone to parent me.”

Now that I am at the end of typing this out. I don’t feel drugged anymore and like all I can do is drop back to sleep again. I am getting the idea that the place where I ended in the dream was my logic only self with no emotional connections and not caring for any emotional connections. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I have not seen anyone for days and will not be seeing anyone for days unless I work hard to contact people to set things up. The thought of going into that mode again feels exhausting to me. Right now it feels like the only person that want to connect with me is my mom and I have to fight to keep her from not overwhelming me. Other than that, I am on my own. I feel right now that I want to just accept that fact and start working out what options I need to just take care of myself without having any space open to allow anyone else in. To prepare for only the most surface level of connections. To plan on anything more than that is to set myself up for only the type of things that happened in the dream.

I know one of my major life goals is to have real connection to people. I have put a lot of work and suffered a lot to have this. From where I am right now, I can’t see this working or have any purpose. I “know” better but the filter is thick right now. It is very much an abstract knowing.

I feel that I can get myself out of my hole that I have created if I stick to this attitude. I don’t know if this is true. It feels like a position of power. I believe that this is where I have lived most of my life and what I swore to not go back to because that spark that makes life worth living can exist in this mode. But that spark doesn’t show up much or doesn’t have a lasting effect if it has managed to show up living it the other way either.

I didn’t realize how deep this went until I started working it out via writing it out. I am very tired and want to either go back to being strong or get some of the reward of being weak. Because I know how important my Work has been to me, I want to just turn myself off, go back to sleep and see how things are later.