We were having me sit with a bad feeling instead of doing my story telling to get away from it. I told her I had reached my limit and her response was, “ok, what should we do about it?” I was at rock bottom. That was not the time to START to discuss how to deal with it. So I started shutting everything down (you know the Big Red Button that slams everything closed) and got angry and grabbed my stuff and started to leave and she yelled at me to stop. So I mashed my head into the wall. And she yelled at me like a child to come back and sit down. Since she obviously didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain, there was no way in hell I was going to do what she was telling me to do. She was going to leave me in that pit and I was already falling. So I threw my crap at the sofa and yelled at her NO. I would do one small step of everything she told me to do and it forced her to meet me where I was. She eventually got up to speed to see that I couldn’t/wouldn’t come to her and started allowing me to be angry and worked with me with what I could do. It reminds me a lot of when -other therapist- was asking me to do things during the session with you and I couldn’t even get close and she was surprised. -therapist- had never seen this before. I had never let myself hurt this much before. God it hurt and still hurts. I am letting it exist instead of shunting it away. She was completely unprepared to deal with it. And I think I trust her too much. She is all rigid on the session time and money and all that and I think that gives me the idea that she is good with structure and I am safe to let go. And that time she had nothing and was expecting me to have it all. And it was way tooooooo late for that.

We got back to a good ground from there but I think I am still dealing with backlash and will be for awhile.

Thanks for your understanding email. I was dreading opening it because I didn’t know what was going to be in it. I spent all of yesterday on the computer and haven’t been to sleep yet. Woke up at 8am and pretty much surfed the computer from 11am until 8 this morning. I couldn’t go to sleep so I went shopping.

I only had one thing scheduled for this entire week other than therapy and that is for tonight. I have tossed a number of emails out to people to get together and heard little to nothing. So, last night H calls me and suggests that he can take me to see a play tonight with his free passes. He works with R who is the one I am doing the enneagram cards with tonight. That hit me as a blow. And J called about doing breakfast this morning since this is the only time he has for a few weeks and he was responding to my email asking if he would be interested sometime. So from one thing after almost a week of very little contact with anyone I am friends with to three things in one day. I said no thank you.

Now I have an interview for some ongoing freelance work that was suppose to be in San Bruno (where I used to live and on the other side of the bay) but turns out to be in Sunnyvale which is in the south bay now that we are going into the hot months of the year. *Whimper*

I almost bailed on it and I probably should have but I feel like I have gotten so much better just having something set up that I was able to get out of the house today. I need to follow up on it and do what I can to do it. I have worked out with H to stop by his place after seeing R so I can work on his computers for a little bit to familiarizer myself with Mac and PC and the different versions of PowerPoint because that is what this job is about.

I am really getting frustrated. I would pop my head up and get overloaded and go hide again. I have been working on finding a way to pop my head up and only have a reasonable level of things happen. I had been doing relatively well with that. But this last week has been super hard. The people thing just hasn’t been coming together and then you and I hit a landmine and Anna hits another landmine and now things are starting to pour. NOT FAIR!!!!!

I figure the landmines are actually good things in the long run. This is the sort of thing I need to learn to deal with. In the mean time IT FUCKING HURTS and I don’t do hurt really well. So I am all pissy and stuff. And I don’t have anyone here to lean on. Fenn is massively busy. D told me she is feeling like I am not getting anything done in therapy, which I think might be part of what helped push things into this movement and so she cares but she isn’t really safe. I am concerned that anything that doesn’t look like I am getting better will not get approval from her and it sort of doesn’t matter if that is the reality or not, it is what I am afraid of. I feel like this is similar to when you and dad both stopped being my cheerleaders when I was with Higgins because you saw me going nowhere.