This is written in relationship to a number of friendships and other things that are in flux. It is mostly written about some guys in and not in my life and the ones that come up the most in thinking through this rant aren’t on LJ. It may hit buttons for those that are on my friend’s list. It may or may not apply to people who read it therefore I am putting it behind a cut tag. Those friends of mine that have had a discussion about this with me, be at ease, we are fine. We have mapped out the territory and you get to benefit of me being too easy without generating the angst.
Sometimes I am too easy, too willing to forgive, to willing to adapt, to willing to take the first step. There are times when this is not the right thing to do. Times when it is thought to be wanted but actually produces a repulsion affect.
I am the nice girl. The one that will pay attention to you and when I like you, I will go out of my way to adjust things to you and find things for you to do. I will call and be the one that sends the first email. I can and will do the chasing. I do nice things to make your day brighter. I let you know I am thinking about you.
I do things I would like for you to do for me. I treat you how I want to be treated by you. But it backfires. It shows you how easy I am to walk on, how you don’t have to work at anything because I will take up the slack. I come off as desperate and unvaluable because you don’t have to put any effort into it. I am not even taken for granted because that means I would actually have a place in your life besides the one I create for myself.
And I try going away and not being there all the time and I don’t hear anything from you. When we do run into each other, you act like you miss me and say we should get together and then nothing happens if I don’t instigate it.
There are times when I should be mad at you, or upset at the way you have treated me but I am understanding and willing to be there work it out and forgive. I wish I could be mad and have it matter but I really do feel that everything would end if I went this route.
Yeah, you like me, you enjoy my company, you think of us as friends and sometimes more. But are you really? And are you really worth it? How much am I attracted to what I can’t have and have to work for? And the flip side, how many people have this save viewpoint of me that I don’t appreciate? How many people work to make my life easier and treat me the way they would like to be treated and I don’t reciprocate? Yes, I am well aware that this happens in both directions and I don’t know what to do about it in either direction.
There are people that are just friends that I will run into and enjoy and visa versa and there is no chasing one way or the other and that is all well and good. Then there are the ones that matter to me that I want that don’t seem to care in return. And because of the way I approach the relationship, I set it up for them not to care. I pretty much chase them away and from my side it feels like I need to work harder which makes them run faster.
It is hard to sit on my hands and not respond when given an opening. I believe in communication so much that often I over communicate and spoil things. I also wait, and wait, and wait to hear something back which results in driving myself nuts.
Some of you don’t deserve me but I can’t seem to drop the investment I have in you. Some of you don’t want me, I wish I knew which ones of you are like this so I can just give up and go my own way. I keep waiting and working to make things balance with those that might actually care and want me around but I do wonder if any of you actually fit in this category. I have a couple of friends that we have worked out this level with and I am grateful for it even if sometimes it is more work than I can do and I lack having them in my life.
I used to make people prove they wanted to be around me by setting up tests and I was always ready for people to be done with me and leave. This worked well when I rarely had more than a surface level relationship with anyone. It doesn’t work so well now.
I am tired of looking around and seeing that I am doing all this chasing. I am tired of looking around and seeing that I am probably doing to others what I am experiencing. I wish I could find my balance. To just live and enjoy what is here. To react towards others in a way they need me to instead of the way I want them to react towards me. To enjoys those that enjoy me and let go of those that only see me as entertainment when I put myself in front of them.
I do acknowledge that I have an entire range of friends from surface to close. This rant is only about ones I want to be closer and seem like they could but I run into issues.
There is that saying to not let someone be a priority when you are only an option to them. What do you do when both of you are options for each other and neither takes the first step?
There is also the Marilyn Monroe quote of If you can’t take the worst of me, you don’t deserve the best of me. I use it a lot when I feel blown off by someone I am interested in but with a twist. If you can’t take this level of me, then you will never survive the worst of me and will never appreciate the best of me.
If anyone has a question as where I see the level of our friendship, feel free to post and I will let you know privately.
Human relationships are so complex.
Just about every time I think I’m getting a handle on them, I turn around and have to throw everything I thought I knew out the window and start over again.
It’s exhausting.
I’ve gotten rather blunt and less “I wonder” with people the past few years. I’m afraid that means I’d be horrid at the whole chase-me-chase-me aspect of being either single or poly. I’d be the one saying “well step up or step off – I like you, but I’m not about to do another one of these merry go rounds” and scaring all but the most self-assured away.
Then again, I’m also at the point where that’s what I want. I want someone to say “yep – I’m in” or “nope – not there – how about here?” when we’re defining boundaries.
I don’t envy you this weird limbo-slump where everything is kinda-off, kinda-on, not urgent enough to just go have “that talk” but also pressing enough that it gets depressing when it continues to go unresolved.
Hang in there. You are a complex person – moreso than most – your relationships require a bit more fine-tuning than most. But then, you deserve people willing to do a bit more fine tuning than most.
(((hug)))
I think I’m pretty clear that you know my not having time isn’t personal, but this post makes me ponder just how many of my friends I am effectively forced to neglect because I have too much on my plate compared to how many people I like and care about.
I joke that nobody warned me it’s possible to have too many friends, but this kind of thing really brings home to me that I’m not actually kidding. All too often the friends that end up closest are the ones who are the most convenient to what we’re doing anyway for unrelated reasons, or the ones who take the least effort, or the ones who are the most needy, and not necessarily the ones we’d spend the most time with if everything else were equal.
This last weekend I finally spent some time with old, dear friends I rarely see, and it was almost painful to me to realize how badly I miss some of them. And I still don’t have room in my life for all this.
I can’t help but wonder what the hell it takes to be a good friend in this world. I’m not entirely sure it’s possible anymore.
*sigh*
Thanks for giving me another angle from which to ponder what is, for me, an ongoing difficulty. I hope your friend-life can be sorted reasonably.
*hugs*
–Ember–
Yeah, this. When I was in high school I wasn’t popular and I hung with a crowd of about 8 weirdos and misfits. I think the capacity for friendships was set then – I can really only handle about 7 friendships but I’m trying to handle dozens! So the first 3-4 slots are filled by individuals and then slots 5-7 get shared by ALL THE OTHERS.
Wow, I relate to so much of this.