Last week wasn’t so good. A number of plans fell through and I ended up in pissy mood. Part of this was body chemistry. Friday, a friend and I got together for breakfast. I had about 2 hours of sleep and I felt great. Life wasn’t bad anymore. It wasn’t good but I could appreciate the not badness around me and I felt ok about engaging with my environment. After I got home, things went down a little but not to the same level of ick that was the days before. Around 8pm, another friend that I handn’t heard from called and I enjoyed talking to him. It was enough to motivate me to make myself dinner (breakfast and dinner were most of the food I had that day). It was nice to be able to smile again.

I got together with a dear friend on Sat and it was like a switch was thrown. I was cheerful, happy, laughing. I enjoyed the day outside (and didn’t resent the clowdless sky exposing me to the big ball of burning gaseous evil beating down on me), walked a goodly distance and was excited by things. It was so nice to have myself back.

Sunday I was suppose to meet up with a new friend. When I woke up, I was bursting with energy and ideas and zeal. I was in top form. I made it there a little late (10 min) and far as I can tell, he never showed. He didn’t answer his phone and never returned the messages I left. I haven’t heard from him via email either. I handled it really well. I waited an hour and didn’t feel hurt or blown off, not really all that annoyed. It bugs me and I want to know what happened but other than that I am ok. I choose to go to downtown Berkeley because I knew going home would result in my crashing and being taken over by a bad attitude. I had a great idea about getting people together the way we used to and I put that into play while at the library.

Happily I picked up the entire set of A Distant Soil from the library yesterday and stayed up all night reading it to find out …. that the last book hasn’t been written yet. Arrgggggg!!!! The reason this is sort of a big deal is that I started reading A Distant Soil (aka Faraway Dirt) in the 80s. I loved it and was impressed by it enough that I still remember the storyline two decades later. It is an art style that I was seeped in when I started really drawing and I really resonate to it even as I know it is very dated to the 80s look. I decided to drop it back then because there were problems getting it published. The story went so far, then nothing and then it would show up again with a different publisher and started at the beginning again. I felt jerked around and very frustrated. I could see that any more investment in it would result in more disappointment and more frustration. I decided to wait to see if it ever finished and then I would invest in it again. At the library, there were 4 graphic novels and it I had only read up to partway through the second one. It looked like it finished in the fourth one. It could have easily finished at the end of the second but plans fell through for our heroes and there was more plot. Well, I have managed to find out there is only one more book. I have searched the internet and I can’t find what issue the comic is on to find out how close the story is to being finished. The last book was published in 2006, the one prior was published in 2001.

So here I am after getting no sleep facing the climax of the story that has haunted me for 25 years and then no idea if there is more (at least the author is still alive and producing). My wonderful big plan for getting a group even is not getting support (for good reason but that doesn’t stop it from being disappointing). My visit with the new friend is still poking at me as to why the lack of communication and I am working to hold that in the realm of reasonable instead of dissolving into drama. I have a couple of other places where I am not hearing from friends that should be contacting me and I am trying to hold that out of the drama-dip as well. I am facing a week with nothing scheduled but a therapy appointment. I am not sure but I think I don’t have anything ahead on my schedule, this week, the weekend, the week after. I refuse to look too far. There is a baycon coming up and that is a load of mixed emotions and issues to deal with.

I am too agitated to sleep and too exhausted to be active. My mood is sitting on the edge of a cascade of badness. I don’t feel I can even let it go and have a pity party. It either feels like there just isn’t anything to be more than mildly annoyed at or like it is too big and my self-preservation instincts won’t let go because I would fall too far.

I don’t feel I can reach out because I don’t feel like I can take adding another disappointment/frustration of a plan not working. I get so much energy when things work and lose so much energy when things don’t. I know I have the power to make things work for me but right now I feel like I am so out of tune that I will be stumbling over my own feet. I may get something moved forward but if anything doesn’t work, it will take the rug out from under me. I could follow someone else’s lead but I don’t think I can afford to drive right now.

So, I sit, alone, at home, again. Not daring to look into the future of even a few hours. And the way I used to get past times like this was to grab onto something in the future and plan it out. I need new tools. I am not doing badly (the typical scale goes a lot lower than where I am right now) but I sure as hell am not doing well. I want Sat and Sun morning back.