I have always avoided my family if I could. I prefer to deal with each one of the separately. In mass, it just wasn’t ever workable. I didn’t have any hard reason, no facts to point to, that is just how I wanted it.
I have loads and loads of reasons why I should avoid my family now and not have anything to do with any of them when there is more than one. I have enough to justify every moment of past avoidance.
But I am to the point where I won’t let go. I have allowed myself to become attached and while I don’t like it and feel pulled through the ringer, I feel this is a good thing. Some of my problems are that I don’t have practice in how to deal with all this. Too many years of not being emotionally invested in my family members. I am aware that they are important to me but I don’t actually feel they are important to me, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the love and care and concern that I know I am acting on. I also don’t feel the dislike, aversion, threat that they used to be to me.
In a way, they are a chore. The type that I don’t question if I want to do it or not, I just do it and move on. I am sure this is all part of my work. Just keep Swimming, just keep Swimming.
I currently have Mother, Brother, and Sister-in-law emailing me for advice on how to deal with the others. In a way it is sort of funny. I have to keep each of their personalities and selves clearly in my head when I am responding to them so I actually say things in the way that one hears them and is honest about the others. If they would all just do what I told them they should do before I fricking left, then most of this shit would already be done with. Arggggg.
I just remembered my dad told me that I could call him when it got tough/aggravating if I wanted to vent. Sometimes he is a smart man. And sometimes he is stupid. I don’t think he realizes that he has an equal share of issue between him and my brother and is just as much a pain in the butt as well. I don’t think I need to add my dad to the mix of family I have going on right now. Thank god I am still distant from my Uncle, Aunt and cousins.
Why is it that when I finally get around to doing something I should do in life it has to be a tidal wave of stuff? I used to completely believe that I created the wave. That when I stuck my head out, I am so good at gathering things/events/people that I overwhelmed myself. This time I feel like I am the only one with her feet on the ground and am providing anchors for these other loopy family members. Maybe I have just leveled again. I want my +2 healing potions and sacks of gold and +5 sword of cutting through bullshit already. Leveling sucks. By the time you have everything in hand and have plenty of resources, you jump up a level and end up facing bigger issues without the abundance of resources to deal with them.
Well I guess the Universe had enough of me self sabotaging and decided to give me something else to chew on. Sure would be nice if I could leave the house. I don’t know when I have done that this week. Maybe Wed? Oh yeah, Thursday. Wed, the beginning of Thur, Fri and Sat were all focused on getting to a book store and getting my hair cut. So it seems overly long that I have been glued to the computer and feeling overwhelmed.
I had decided that the shoulder I had to lean on was not worth the fighting (not quite the right word because there is not anger, just the struggle of not being able to communicate what you need and working against what the other one is sure is right for you) to use it and I was going to let it go. Right now I could really use it.
Tomorrow I see friends from the South (So Cal). That will be a nice refreshing break in my current drama.
p.s. (because I’m commenting in reverse order)
If you need a shoulder to lean on that is *not* family? I am here.
I suck at phone calls, but for you? I’ll make it happen.
(hug)
Part of my problem is I feel that even if I had someone on the other end to talk to, I don’t think I would know what to say. It is so big and massive and complicated. It is sort of like taking a bite so big you can’t chew.
I am putting one foot in front of the other and changing directions as needed. Now mom is balking. I don’t blame her, she is tired, she has been metaphorically beat on, she is still recovering from surgery, she is still making choices that takes her right up to the edge leaving her no room to maneuver if something changes so when it does, she has to change everything. But a lot of what she wanted out of this is coming together behind the scenes and will need her to be ready to do her part when it breaks the surface.
Ah ha, I have figured out why it is so easy to blabber this stuff on-line when I feel emotionally constipated over the thought of talking to some one. On-line, I don’t have to explain anything that doesn’t make sense. There is no feedback saying “what do you mean” or “what lead to that.” I can just whine and bitch and moan about what ever part is sticking me in the backside.
Oh why can’t life be more like Math where there are right answers that can be derived from simple rules? I hate these soft sciences.
I don’t honestly know what I would do with a conversation about this stuff. My imagination keeps getting clogged up which means I am not processing stuff. This is a new feeling for me. If anything I tend towards over processing things. Going through it again and again and again. This has no clear line to untangle. Just messy. I think I may begin to have a clue how some other people see things that I didn’t grok before.