I have a hard time choosing an icon. The Scream has too much energy for what I am feeling. I need a bleh icon. I was looking at yellow smiley faces to get a straight line one and noticed I smile at some of them happy ones. I don’t know what it is about that yellow face, it hits something in me.

Tuesday was a full and good day. We got to a deeper layer in therapy and good things followed for part of the day.

Yesterday I slept for 18 hours and felt like crap because of it. I figured it was a recovery day. I did take the kolopin in the morning and was disappointed I still didn’t do anything. But I was upright on the couch and followed through on some job leads and played a new set of video games.

Today, I didn’t take the kolopin to see what difference it might make. I am lacking in interest and motivation. I felt like I could still do things I wanted to do and didn’t do yesterday but I didn’t move forward on it. Just like the last few months (are we to years yet?). I didn’t even get upright in bed (ok couch, I still can’t see my bed). I watched some TV, played on the computer, whatever. I don’t know if it is the lack of the bitty bit of med (I cut it in half, and then in half again, and sometimes in half again) or if it is the lack of people. I did some inviting yesterday and got mostly no from those I heard from. And those nos (how in the world do you spell the plural of NO?) underscored some other places where there isn’t support for something I am trying for which makes me sad too. And when I am sad, it is really hard to see the good side of things and the support I do have.

It is funny, when dealing with others, typically customers and fellow workers, I am honestly cheerful and helpful and a delight to be around. It isn’t fake, it is just the part of me that comes to the surface when I am in that position. But without others around, that part of me doesn’t have strength or it feels like I am denying the other parts of me. This is one of the major reasons I like being around others. I am happier. I glow when I interacting with others and the dark is farther away. When I am in the spotlight, I can’t even tell the dark is out there. When I am alone, the dark is everywhere and it is a battle. And I need my alone time because I get tired. So it is something I can’t get away from, only learn how to deal with.

But it is hard when I have to constantly work to arrange to get together with others. It feels like an always uphill push. The show up events like dances and social gatherings don’t feed me enough anymore. For things like parties it is hard work to get comfortable enough to be able to be fed while there.

This is one of the reasons I always had a job, even a stupid one while waiting for a real one to show up. I would be surrounded by people and not be stuck with just myself. It would get me away from the threat of the dark for awhile and give me something else to do. So this stint of unemployment is not a good thing for me. I have grown enough that I haven’t gone bug nuts in the 9 months I haven’t had work. But I am aware there is still a tax being levied on me by it. Looking back, even though I feel lousy and pointless and weak right now, I have actually made huge progress from how I used to be. I have lost some things I could count on to get me out of this sort of fix but I have gained a lot of abilities to control being in a situation like this which is a good thing. It puts things more in my control. Which is funny because I feel like I can’t control so much of the shit I am doing to myself.

Welcome to my head.

Later Note: Mr Joe Price, my inspiration for many things/activities, came over and worked on my bike. I got human contact and productivity and some exercise. Now I am really tired and really need to eat. Still don’t want to eat, but need it. Which I could drink this meal like I do my breakfast meal.