I am having trouble with motivations. If I don’t want to do what is on my list to do, I don’t get up and I sleep. If I really do want to do what is on my list, I don’t get up and I sleep. I wanted to get out and about yesterday. Enjoy the rain, get a sandwich from Subway, hit storage to see what is there. And I slept. I couldn’t move.

I know I am doing it to myself. I am making the choices that are leaving me with flipped schedules and shaky hands and eyes. I am undermining myself. I am well aware of this. The problem is that I don’t seem to be connected to the part that is making these choices. I can’t find the why to them or to feel what it is that is keeping me stationary. It does feel like I am somewhat of a victim to myself. It feels like something is disconnected and I am short circuiting. This is the problem that lead to me not having a job. It should be better by now. I should have found it and done what needed to be done. If I am on strike, then negotiation should have been going on to find out what the problems are and a solution can be worked on. But the striking part of me doesn’t want to tell me what is going on. It is just on Strike and not talking. I am willing to do a lot to make things better but what. I am feeling like the only thing that will work is putting my will into doing what I should and I find in the middle of a strike a lot of times my will is what is keeping me from moving.

Being around other people has worked well in the past. I keep trying to set things up with others so as to bypass my own issues and change from a Try model to a Just Do model. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. Volunteering should be working and I am blowing that off like I have a job. There is nothing that they aren’t giving me that I would need. They are supportive and grateful and not overly so. But I short circuit and am completely lame about it. And I am tired of working to set up things with friends. It takes a lot of effort to make it happen at the level I have needed. So now I do what I can and have days between that don’t work.

I went into the City on Thurs, had lunch with a friend and went to the library. I got a lot of research and scanning done at the library and it was good. I slept through Friday. Originally I was supposed to work the WES sale and pick up my mom at the airport. Last Thursday night, I worked out with her that she is staying in AZ for more dr appointments and probably surgery. In the morning, I wasn’t able to deal with getting up for WES. I was awake, I ate, but I couldn’t move towards getting ready. I felt awful about it and that lead to me rolling over and going to sleep. Even the pull that they could really use me that day and I wouldn’t be sitting around bored waiting for things to happen wasn’t enough to get me moving and that usually is.

I chalked it up to having a busy, productive and drama filled day previous. Sat a friend came over and I managed to convince myself that it was ok to be in my night shirt by the time she arrived. I had been awake earlier that morning but rolled over and went back to sleep. She was so ok with it, I never did change. We talked and I picked at the stuff on my floor. I did a good job of clearing away the clutter around the couch that I have been living with and I got friend time. This was good. My tv is now ready to have the picture checked so I can get one of the two tvs out of my living room. But I wasn’t able to get myself to do that Sat night. I am not sure why this is counting as a huge project but it is.

Then Sunday… did the same thing I did on Friday except I was listening to the rain and wanted to go out an play. I woke up that morning and ate. I looked out the door and the rain was perfect, my favorite kind for wandering around in. I watched some tv so I would actually be awake instead of slipping back to sleep. And the drowsy hit and off into slumberland I went to the point I was up all night.

Today, I managed to force myself out of the house to get food. I did a lousy job feeding myself Sat and Sunday. The only real food I had (besides my morning breakfast shake) was what I ate when my friend reminded me to make food for myself and a middle of the night bowl of soup. Those were good but only half of what I should consume. So I was hungry and needed food this morning. I was going to take a shower (I am to the stinking point) but decided to just put on clothes and get out the door. This was a good idea. I got done what I had wanted to do on Sunday. Sadly, I had made an appointment with one of my therapists for this morning for my mom and me and I hadn’t gotten around to canceling it. When I did think about it, it was late in the middle of the night and I was going to do it during reasonable hours and then spaced it (because I was doing the stupid sleep thing and worrying about that). She called me when I was at storage and I had completely forgotten the existence of the appointment.

So Thursday = productive, Friday = sleep/wasted, Sat = productive, Sun = sleep/wasted, Monday = productive. I have plans for Tuesday. I am going to WES to unload some of the stuff I have from storage and to work. Then I have a therapy appointment that evening and then the waltz class. Sadly I did find out the cute guy that I have been using as leverage to go isn’t going to be there tomorrow. I do find that cute guy leverage still seems to work like it always has. I need the exercise and movement so I want to go for myself. I have been managing to scare myself into not going due to my foot hurting but it is doing on right now and I need to find out if it will flair up again. I have put pads in my dance shoes that should help if my theory is correct.

So I have had a productive day today and my car is full of shit. I have productive plans for tomorrow and now have job plans for Wed. I need to keep myself from falling back into the sleep/wasted mode in response to productive days. I am very much in a depressive/manic mode of dealing with things even though the internal structures don’t feel depressive and manic, just the behaviors.

This lack of progress is eating away at me. I have two different ways of “knowing.” I have the knowing that is in my head. I understand things to be true and am good with that. Then there is the knowing in my body where I feel what is true and isn’t. I head-know that I have strengths and weaknesses and I am really good at my strengths and my weaknesses are not something to worry about. I accept them both and don’t depend on the weakness and work to get around them. There are some areas where I am really good and I am confident in my ability to do things. When I am in my head, I am very confident and can present myself very well. This is the part of me that has been in the forefront of my job search. I really like myself and think I am cool and I grok those that don’t care for me and that is cool too. I know that the current situation is temporary and I will be back on top when I get things sorted out and know where I want to go. I figure this is dark I have to go through to get to the brighter and better future I have been working on.

But the body-know is getting worse. I don’t feel confident anymore. I feel like I will undermine myself in my strengths and screw myself over. I feel like I can’t pull things out like I used to because of whatever is eating at me. I dislike myself and really dislike living my life (I am avoiding using the word hate but it floats to the top now and again when I am not looking). Things are not looking good in here. I don’t feel like I am going to be able to change things since I have been trying and so far failing. I can see that I have made some positive changes but the cost is so high and I don’t know how to go backwards and I don’t see where to go forwards. My ever resilient good self-esteem is getting corroded away. When I have to rely on my body-knowing, I don’t do well. I am not taking pot shots at myself like I have in the past. I am able to keep a lid on that but I do wonder how many of them are true to at least some degree. I don’t let myself go there because I am mean to myself when I go there but the acid seems to be seeping under the crack in the door and eating away slowly at myself confidence. I don’t know that I can do things any more like I used to. My primary motivation is fear of not being able to do. when I am in a situation I am able to respond ok but I don’t have faith that I will be able to do anything anymore. I am afraid of being put into situations because of this. I don’t feel the fear, just that I am acting on the fear being there.

This is an effect of the lack of work. This is why I have always had a job so that I wouldn’t seep into this mess. But I am not even doing the volunteer work to keep me going. I have let it all go to so that I can work on the crud under my outer layers and learn how to deal with this negativity. I am not doing a good job dealing with it. I shut down. I don’t have new methods to replace the old methods and the old methods don’t work anymore either. When I am around other people, mostly I can pull out the head-knowledge and that keeps me moving. When I am by myself, it is usually the body-knowledge that shows up and I do nothing. Everything is uphill and rarely things are back to the natural ease and I am so grateful.

I want to love myself. I don’t think I ever really have, or at least not outside my head-knowledge side. There is a lot I love about myself, from the head side but right now I got nothing. I refuse to look to deeply at that pit because I am worried I will fall in. It isn’t less that what I am feeling and I don’t want to find out it is more or how much more it is. I have too many voices in the back of my head that assure me that I am worthless and unwanted and it doesn’t matter how many real people tell me otherwise, I can see the cracks in their arguments and they aren’t here around the clock. Their lives do not revolve around mine and I am cut off from their positive assurances.

To deal with things I feel like I am cutting myself off even more from people. I discovered how much connection meant to me so I stopped focusing on surface level friends and worked towards making deep connections with a few people. This was good but it didn’t last. I have had to let go of each of those connections for a variety of reasons and I found myself too alone. So I opened back up and started adding friends at the other levels that are available. But to do so, it appears that in order to do that I have closed off my openness and don’t feel the connection. My head knows it is there but the body doesn’t feel it, or isn’t willing to relax enough to see if it can feel it.

Jadecat9 posted about the possibility of a portal opening up in front of you or the good Doctor appearing to take you on an adventure. I have worked too hard to get where I am, as sucky as it is, to leave it now. I am too afraid of trying to deal with the “adventure,” I want to stay home and be safe. (a main axiom of mine is if you act out of your fears, you create what you fear)

But I did realize that I don’t feel like I have any reason to stay. I could pack up and go. I am even getting to the point I could leave most of my stuff behind and it wouldn’t matter. I am trying to whittle it down and many things would go if they had homes to go to. I feel like I did when I was getting ready to leave Colorado. Sad to I wouldn’t see good friends anymore but not tied to them that I would even consider staying. I was more then willing to let them all go, including my boyfriend of 4 years. I was bored and ready to move on. I am not ready to move on now but I do recognize the lack of ties. I just don’t want to have to put the energy into finding new friends. I don’t want to have to maintain long distance lines to people here. I don’t have anything drawing me away. So in a way I am a balloon whose only tether is the lack of a breeze. I am sure this feeling isn’t all the time but it is there when I have had time to look. I know people matter to me but I feel very cut off from those feelings.

This is me right now, this is my status. I can’t even get excited about things. I can have an overlay of excitement but when I pull back the cover, it seems dull inside. I try not to look often. It is depressing. On the positive side, it is not as dark as it has been in the past. But I am also not as functional as I have been in the past when it has been dark.

(even now my head is working on this saying that while I still have days I am sleep through to avoid, when I am on the upside, I am more functional than I was. I have washed dishes and that was something I haven’t been able to do for over 6 months. I have cleared my floor myself instead of having someone else clear it like I have every other time I have seen my floor in over a year. The head, she takes care of me and works to not let me go too far down. Now if only I could get the part of me that is the down side to show up for the meetings to air its grievances so we could take care of them, then things would be much better. I have a feeling I don’t understand that side of me that is hiding and my very approach is what is pissing it off. *snerk* my head just informed me that I could be too privileged to understand the other point of view. I agree that is a possibility but I never will if I am not exposed to it.)

Note: I have not gone back through and edited this writing much. This is what spills out of my head and probably has some screws loose that I would catch in reviewing it but I hate reviewing my work and it is so long that I am not willing to deal. PPP