A bit of a rambling update regarding my ability to be social.
I have been a little more social lately.
I called my dad Wen night and talked to him for a couple of hours. Thursday morning, Matt called and I got a chance to chat with him on my way to bart. That evening, I chatted with Mike and Kevin about B5 and I wouldn’t let Sparrow off the phone without some social chitchat.
Friday night, after work, I went shopping and had dinner with Fennifer. Sat evening was hanging with Crystal and Karen. I got to chat with Paul before he moved out of the state on Sunday. That night I talked with my brother and my Mom.
I left message for Ken, Aaron and Matt and haven’t gotten responses. I did skip out of dinner with Ken and meeting his girlfriend. Last week, I sent out a number of emails I haven’t gotten response to either.
My mom sent me a flurry of emails and they make me want to hide. She goes in spurts. Quiet for awhile then 5 all at once.
I have figured out that I am not doing parties. I has a lousy time at one about a year ago and am fully aware it was me that made it lousy, not the party itself. I think I have managed to not make a party of more than 8 people since then. Small dinner parties seem to be ok but large open parties seem to be more than I handle. I think I can but something seems to keep me from actually showing up. If ren_wench hadn’t nagged me to the point of irritation, there is a good chance I would have skipped out of going to Baycon at all. I appreciate her tenacity as it was very appropriate. I have some observations of social connections at Baycon that I am not too please about but am pondering. I tried something new and am sad about the results. But there is a truth there and I need to deal with it.
It looks like I am not going to go to Denver for Worldcon. The concept of another con right now is not exciting me. Denver in August with the heat is not good considering how badly I am doing with our heat waves out here. A main focus was to clean out my room at my Dad’s place and since I can’t even keep up on the trash where I live, I don’t think now is the time. Doing that in the heat seems to be a recipe for failure. The elements just aren’t lining up well. I need to aim for a colder time if this year at all.
I am hoping that I will be better in time for LosCon. Considering how good I felt with everyone at LosCon and how seeing/dealing with most of the LA crowd that came up for Baycon were highlights of my weekend, I think that even in the state I am in right now, it would be ok. I would rather enjoy myself than it just be ok but I am more than happy to accept ok. Just as long as the Art Show doesn’t mess up the Locus coming in to tear down. Funny that is what I am excited about.
I think doing demo work right now would be good for me. Too bad I don’t have any connections in that direction. I had a strange urge to chop wood this weekend.
*hugs* Which was just fine with me.
My schedule came out, and I am working every night this week, right up to the fourth. So I have to wait until next week to see you!
Sparrow
We’d let you chop wood, but after we put Safety Precautions on the axe, you wouldn’t get much kindling
We don’t have any wood that really needs to be chopped, but we do have large chunks that need to be broken into smaller chunks so they’ll fit in the fireplace.
I’m off to WesterCon at toodamnearly TH morning, but feel free to call the house and offer your services if the urge reappears.
*snicker*
Must make locust badges for those with baldrics….
I’m definitely hopeful of seeing you at Loscon, or if you want to run away for a visit sometime, Lydanta or I would gladly host you!
Are we going to be social tonight?
Hey Gina,
Are we going to see Alf tonight? I haven’t heard from you, so I’m not sure, and how and when to hook up. Let me know please. My email is lasirena23@gmail.com.
Thanks,
R
“I has a lousy time at one about a year ago and am fully aware it was me that made it lousy, not the party itself.”
How did you make it lousy?
I was very withdrawn and defensive. I felt very alone and like nobody was interested in me. When someone approached me, I felt I was putting a wall between us. I was doing lousy with small talk and they would hold up their end and I would let the conversation die with single word answers to questions. I didn’t feel I could insert myself into conversations.
It felt liked I lacked confidence, assertiveness and any kind of social ability. I was not the type of person people wanted to talk to. And when someone put in the extra effort to make a point of chatting me up, I shrunk into myself.
I knew I was shooting myself in my own foot but I felt I needed to do it for safety. And this was a party I have gone to for years and look forward to with great enthusiasm. While I don’t “know” everyone there, I recognize many from seeing them year after year and have a few friends that I don’t get to see often enough. It is a very safe space.
When I realized I couldn’t handle this party and I kept planning to go to other parties and finding that it just didn’t happen, I figured out that it is the mass of people that I am having trouble with, not the people themselves. It is no fun to go to a party and want to be involved and watch yourself keep yourself from being involved.