I am exhausted. And I don’t feel I should be. I have a big project looming over my head for BayCon and I haven’t done anything on it for two nights. But I find myself having a hard time breathing. I need to actually focus on getting air in and out and not hyperventilating or stopping breathing. Both feel good (for odd values of good).

I have been trying to do much better job of getting to work on time. It seems to only happen for a short time after my boss has talked with me about it. Waaaa, I wan’t to be better at this.

So it appears that having the need to get to work on time and the work for BayCon looming over my head as used up spoons. This doesn’t feel right. If I was actually get those things done, then losing this many spoons to them would be appropriate. Just having them on my plate is not suppose to use up that many spoons. Having them on my plate is suppose to use up little tea spoons, not all my big heavy wooden working spoons.

Distraction doesn’t work as well as it used to. It seemed to and then ran out quickly. Obviously I am low in reserves and I can’t figure out why and what I need to to replenish them. I have tried to restock the backup tanks but it doesn’t seem to be working well. Maybe my backup batteries have developed a memory that won’t let them recharge. Or I just don’t have access to what it takes to recharge them. I have a feeling a lot of it is the latter but to get what I need, it requires other people. And I don’t have what it takes to make that happen. I have been trying for over a year and it still isn’t working. I only have the resources I can get my hands on and can’t depend on anything outside myself. I have been trying to rewire so those things are enough but it doesn’t seem to be working.

And today, I am exhausted.

I am glad I opted out of Costume Con. I don’t think I would be of any worth to anyone and would probably be a liability. I can pull it together if ren_wench needs me but beyond that, I don’t think I have anything to give.