Loscon was good for me.

I actually had moments on Sat where I felt like I would like to stay sober. Occasionally, throughout the weekend, there were times when I got to revisit my old self, things felt the same as they used to all the time. It was nice to know that I haven’t completely changed and that given time, I will probably get back to that mode of being. It was a nice taste that reminds me to continue working towards that state as a goal. It is a little sad when how I used to be is what I are working towards. Sort of like the stuff I have gone through as been a waste of time and backwards progress. But I still feel better for it rather than disheartened.

I received some of what I have been needing. I felt cared about, cared for, taken care of, seen, heard, accommodated. I felt like people were aware of how hard life has been for me right now without needing to have a reason that makes logical sense. I have no reason I can point to, but that doesn’t invalidate the uphill battle. I didn’t have anyone “cheering me up” but a lot of just being there for me. I felt like I got to soak in community sort of like those Palmolive commercials (“You’re soaking in it”). I feel somewhat fed whereas mostly I have felt like I was starving.

Thursday was a day of traveling and just putting one foot in front of the other.
Friday I was scared all day. Really worried that I couldn’t take care of myself the way I need to and that there wasn’t anyone else to do it either.
Saturday I was finally comfortable. I was able to process that my fears were unfounded and that I could be functional.
Sunday was a little shaky since I could see the end of the con and the need to go back home where things didn’t feel good.
Monday started badly with being too hot and on the edge of panic but turned out to be rather good. It helped having someone to tag along with and finding my kind of pretties to distract me from the internal feelings.
Tuesday I took off work (we were supposed to be really busy but it sounded like the same crunching and I would end up twiddling thumbs). I used the time to resettle myself back into my “normal” life.

This decompression day was good. I managed to get laundry done (4 regular loads, 7 double, 1 triple). When I would start getting shaky, I would just repeat to myself “tear down art show, tear down art show,” and I would go into strong mode and get things done. It was great. I don’t know what comes over me at the end of the con but I really love playing at being a locus and getting the con packed up. Part of it is that most of the other people at the con are surprised at how well and how fast Ops is when we are going strong. That feels good. It also keeps me distracted from the Shared Reality coming apart. I really hate that feeling.

I got to see friends that I don’t see often. I got to hang out with really cool people. I got to help in ways that I do well. I got to flirt a little bit. I was able to appreciate what I was given. It was good and very healing.

Sadly, it seems to have lasted only until about noon today at work. I fell back into an old pattern of not getting my lunch and glazing at things. But maybe the experience can be turned into some tools for future use. No matter what, it did a good job putting a bandaid on part of my heart/soul/whatever that has been hurting.