I got in at 10:30am. I think it was a number of items adding up together.

I managed to make it on time Mon and Tue. Was late but not badly so on Wed. Made it by the skin of my teeth on Thursday. I think being a success and it being important to me set me off to screw up today. I could have gotten up on time but I refused to. Same rebellious feeling as before.

I also had a minor baycon drama dust up. I felt I needed to defend myself and I got very worked up about it. It was hard to let go last night. I am probably the one that turned into drama with my conflicting desires to help, do things right, be informative, not get involved, and protect myself. Not that no one else is to blame but I probably own about 80% of the drama. It still feels like it isn’t my fault and not my drama but objectively looking at it points to the other conclusion.

I am planning on going to a show tonight. It is something I want to see and would love to have some friends with me. It has turned into me coordinating and Event. This is just the mode I go into when people are following my idea. In the past, this is no big deal. Right now, I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I am responsible not only for me (which I am having trouble with) but for making sure others get the information they need to be a part of it and meeting up.

I will be very disappointed if things don’t work and the only way to avoid that is to make things happen. I am good at making things happen but it costs me. This is usually worth it and I get paid back multiples of the original cost. Right now, this transaction is very risky. That account is very low in funds and the payback is could be good, could be great or could be more owed. I think I even have a filter on how much I can accept back.

I have been avoiding Making Things Happen because I have overdrawn the account too many times lately and the risk is high. It is safer to avoid the risk but then the account doesn’t grow well. This might actually might be a lot more relevant than I thought when I started writing this. Getting up in the morning draws on the Make Things Happen account. The baycon dust up was knocking on the door of the Make Things Happen account and I trying to steer it away.

I really wanted to go to the Browncoat Serenity showing at the Parkway last night. I enjoy the company of the Browncoats that I have met and really like the attitude the California Browncoats have. I decided not to go because I have this thing tonight and getting together with friends on Sat and hopefully working on unfinished projects on Sunday at ren_wench’s place. Trying to make another thing work I felt might be pushing it. And it was risky. I could get to the theater to find it sold out or worse, end up sitting by myself not interacting with anyone and feeling like and outsider. If you are quiet and sitting in the back, people don’t know they need to come and talk to you.

A possible model for why I didn’t succeed in making it to work before my cutoff time might be that I have evidence that I drew from the account earlier in the week and I had two pushes at the account yesterday and a need for it for this weekend. I hate being this fragile and having my normal responses go counter to what I need. I feel like I have a lesser version of the beginning of wynkat1313′s troubles without the physical evidence. All of mine are in my head and I look like I should be able to do better. I don’t get sick, I just become a behavior problem. Really, how reasonable is it for me to get into work no later than 9:30am?